Agents of SHIELD Parody
by MadTitan427
Summary: Coulson interrogates Spencer and sends Skye, Mack, Bobbi and Hunter on a mission. May and FitzSimmons try delving into the unknown, and Ward has to re-evaluate his place on the Political Spectrum
1. New Missions

Episode 1: New Missions

Coulson is filling out paper work in his office. Skye walks in carrying a cup of coffee and a donut for him.

Skye: Here's your breakfast, sir.

Coulson: Thanks for getting it, I couldn't be bothered when writing this.

Skye: My pleasure, _director_.

Coulson takes a drink of the coffee and spits it out.

Coulson: PPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFF… what the hell is wrong with this coffee?

Skye: I don't know, I made it just the way you asked.

Coulson: A teaspoon of milk?

Skye: Yes.

Coulson: Lucky Cinnamon?

Skye: Definitely Yes.

Coulson: One bag of _Sweet n'low_?

Skye stops for a moment.

Skye: I might've messed that up.

Coulson raises a brow.

Skye: I might've... put... put _Sour n'low_ in your coffee instead.

Coulson: WHAT THE HELL IS "sour n'low"? Why would you put that in coffee, better yet, why does that exist!?

Skye: I think FitzSimmons brought it from England, they said it gives drinks a "British style lemmony kick". Ironically, they were the first to use up all the Sweet n'low.

Coulson: Well, atleast I have the donut.

Coulson bites into his donut before dry-heaving and spitting it out all over the desk & Skye.

Coulson: Bleh, that donut was even worse!

Skye: Oh yeah, also Director I might've dropped the donut… in the trash can… in Agent Mack's workspace… the day he was working on that mold producing gun.

Coulson puts the Donut down.

Coulson: Thanks Skye, but maybe I just can get straight to work.

Skye: Sure thing director, can you tell the other Agents I nailed this? Sucking up to the current director is social currency in our friend group.

Coulson: Whatever Skye.

Skye leaves & Coulson puts his hands over his head.

Coulson: This is going to be a long season.

 **Eagle Icon… Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

The team is working hard. Fitz and Simmons and building the latest equipment, Agent Mack is helping out with the mechanical stuff. May is training with Hunter, while Skye, Bobbi and Trip are watching TV.

Skye: You think we should be training right now with May & Hunter?

Bobbi: No, we're already too good.

Skye: Fair point.

Simmons: But Fitz, that is completely illogical, we're scientists, and no one would want it!

Fitz: Simmons be realistic, if we made an Action Figure line for all of the villains we encountered on our missions. We would be billionaires, trillionaires we could finally buy that Rock-eating repellant!

Simmons: No, it has nothing to do with science!

Fitz: You are saying Simmons, you wouldn't buy a Mike Peterson action figure even if it came with a extra metallic appendages you could give to him? Both historically educational and fun!

Simmons: No, Fitz.

Fitz: Mack thought it was a great idea.

Mack: Fitz, I just said that because you asked me at 12:30 in the night.

Fitz: People always give strange answers at that time, I'm starting to think saving my questions for midnight may not be the smartest idea.

Simmons just looks at both of them.

Coulson: Alright team, stop what you're doing I've got an announcement.

Skye: Can you wait 10 more minutes, I want to finish this episode of Family Feud.

Trip: Dang, Survey asks what can you whip, and he says fish? They cast nothing but dummies on this show.

Bobbi: I agree, if we were on it we would win all the money easily, stop hogging all the doritos Skye, you don't want to look like Agent Mack.

Hunter: Hahahaha!

While Hunter giggling, May punches him from the side.

May: Always easy, who's laughing now?

Coulson just waits for them. They all group up in five minutes.

Coulson: We seem to have a new piece of dangerous equipment on our hands, you all remember Centipede?

Hunter: Actually I don't, I wasn't there for that, you mind explaining it?

Coulson: Uh, no. Anyway, there's a new piece of technology our radars have picked up called " _Spider"._

All: **Gasp**

Coulson: When it attaches to the back on your spine it gives powers similar to that of the centipede?

Skye: So, super strength and a bad attitude?

Coulson: That's the thing Skye, we don't know what it does. I need you guys to track down one of the only known people that have it. His name is Peter Pott he lives in LA.

Simmons: But wasn't Hydra responsible for Centipede? Wouldn't it be logical to assume they're also responsible for this Spider technology.

Coulson: A good theory Agent Simmons, but we can't go after Hydra without absolute proof it was them who did it.

Trip: Really? Now S.H.I.E.L.D. cares about having proof and whatnot? That didn't stop us before.

Coulson: Anyway, ignoring Trip questioning the ethics of our great agency, your job is to the find Spider and figure out exactly what it does, and I'll spice it up for you all.

All: Ah!

Coulson: Whoever finds Pott first and identifies what exactly Spider does, will get to have a special meal cooked by me and Agent May.

May: I'm a very good cook.

Trip: Neither of you have shown to have culinary talent, why can't we just do it together?

Coulson: I kind of just want an excuse to make my legendary Fist-Print cookies.

Trip: Fist print cookies?

Coulson: Yes, like Thumbprint cookies, except the hole is as big as a fist, all filled with blueberry jam, wear a bib.

Skye: We should probably get into the Quinjet to land.

Coulson: Exactly, time to roll out team.

Skye, Trip, Hunter, Bobbi, Fitz, Simmons, and Mack get in the Quinjet

Bobbi: I'm gonna crush this Spider, like a bug!

All: Not laughing

Bobbi: Oh come on, I spent literally two hours coming up with that, not one laugh?

Hunter: Spider won't cause trouble when S.H.I.E.L.D. gets it.

Everyone: Laughing

Bobbi: What? That wasn't even a joke, imbeciles!

The Quinjet lands, in the middle of the forests outside LA.

Simmons: You couldn't have dropped us anywhere closer?

She looks behind her to see the jet already gone.

Fitz: They already left.

Simmons: I know Fitz!

Mack: Well, let's get walking.

The team starts walking toward the city. Meanwhile, in the Globemaster

Coulson: So, what should we do now?

May: Don't you have paperwork to do?

Coulson: I finished it all, most of the time I just do work to look busy, if they see me having too much free time and being Director, they'll be a rebellion within the ranks. So I pretend to do work, when I'm really just reading Looney Tunes FanFiction.

May: Really, but since you just told me your plans, we can have fun now.

Coulson:... what do you mean?

May: Mario Kart!

Coulson: Melinda, you are a genius! Start the Wii up, I call Toad!

Meanwhile in the forest the whole team is still walking.

Mack: Walking is hard…

Bobbi: Tell me about it, I've had to go through an entire forest in high heel boots, why do I wear these anyway?

Hunter: Better question, why do I?

Bobbi looks down to see Hunter wearing her _high heel boots_

Skye: Yeah Hunter, why are… you know what, I don't wanna know.

Hunter: I sometimes like to feel as tall as the big guys.

Hunter puts his arm around Mack's neck.

Trip: Let's stop complaining and keep walking, we're almost to the city.

Skye: I can see it, well mostly the pollution, but that's the city.

Simmons: Let's not get too distracted in the glamor of the big city, we're here on a mission, to find Peter Pott and Spider.

Fitz: We've got our eyes on the prize Simmons, we're so getting that free meal!

Simmons: Right, but we can't let one of our coworkers beat us to it, how embarrassing would it be to get outsmarted by Hunter!

Fitz: I hear ya, back at the base he tried to open a mason jar with his mouth. Don't think he was joking either.

Trip: What's this I hear about trying to find Spider before the other Agents do?

Fitz: Of nothing, just typical Fitzsimmons stuff.

Trip: Man, I want in. The chance to one-up the other agents in front of the director, I need that man. This group is a Social-nightmare.

Simmons: Fine, you can help us, I have just the plan to get us that meal and Spider…

Back in the Globemaster.

Coulson: Oh you are so going down May!

May: No way Coulson, I can beat Rainbow Road in my sleep!

Coulson: Gah, why did I pick the freaking bike!? Ugh!

May gets 1st place, Coulson is in a close 2nd.

Coulson: May.

May (smiling): Yes, Phil?

Coulson: If you tell any of the other Agents about this, I will cut your not talking privileges!

May: How would you do that?

Coulson: I would… make you… talk, whatever!

May: I'm not going to embarass you, don't worry.

Coulson: Thanks, May.

May: Sure thing.

Coulson: Why though?

May: Because now I can use this as blackmail. Get me a Sunny D.

Coulson: Did you just tell the Director what to do?

May: I sure did, now go get it, or else the other Agents are going to hear about your Carebear collection.

Coulson: May, how much dirt do you have on me?

May: You really want me to say?

Coulson: ... probably not.

May: Good choice.

The S.H.I.E.L.D. team is standing outside LA.

Skye: Finally, my legs feel like melted chocolate bars.

Simmons: Well, let's get going (Winks at Fitz).

Trip: I ain't never been to LA.

Skye: Well, you're in luck I lived here for awhile and know all about it.

Mack: You know any celebrities?

Skye: No

Hunter: You know popular tourist destinations?

Skye: No

Bobbi: What DO you know?

Skye: One great Chinese restaurant in Pasadena.

Simmons: Can we just go!?

Mack: Right, we got to be on the look out for Peter Pott.

Fitz: And Spider

The team keeps walking until eventually getting into the city.

 **Shield Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

A man on a balcony in the city, and is watching the team through a pair of binoculars. The man looks at Skye especially, soon after he loads a gun laughing, and then leaving the balcony.


	2. Bugs and Drugs

Episode 2:

Bugs and Drugs

Skye: Finally, here in LA. We should buy some cheap souvenirs that break before we even get back to the Quinjet.

Hunter: Oh, I want a little Dodgers flag!

Mack: I'm so tired, let's just rest and than go find Spider or whatever.

Simmons: No, we should get looking now. The sooner it's found, the sooner we can _rest_ in the Globemaster.

Mack: I don't want to! We don't even know where to look!

The whole group starts arguing with themselves while FitzSimmons, and Trip go to the corner

Trip: So, Simmons? What's your plan for finding this thing?

Simmons: Well Trip back at lab I created a device.

Fitz: What does the device do?

Simmons: It tracks the highest amount of energy levels in a vicinity, which should definitely be Spider.

Fitz: Or Agent Mack farting.

Trip: What are we waiting for? Let's get looking then, I've got a craving for a fist full of blueberries!

Fitz: And wait, I'm the Engineer, you're a Bio-chem expert, why did _you_ build something?

Simmons: Nobody keeps track of our specialties, they just know we do science stuff.

Fitz: I guess that is true

Bobbi: And that's why the Avengers like me best, so suck on those feathers.

Skye: Looks like Fitz, Simmons and Trip are going off together, you guys want to just come look with me?

Bobbi: Sounds great.

Hunter: Fantastic.

Skye, Bobbi and Hunter leave.

Mack: Uh, guys?

Mack walks off on his own.

 **Eagle Icon… Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

The mysterious man on the balcony is continuing to watch Skye, Hunter and Bobbi as they walk across the street with binoculars.

Skye: So, should we search some neighborhoods?

Hunter: I'm still mad at you about what you said over there Bobbi.

Bobbi: Hunter, it was just the heat of the moment. Anyway, do the Avengers care for anything we do, our whole team pretty does what it isn't important enough for the Avengers to handle.

Skye: Don't say that, we handle important stuff.

Bobbi: Like what?

Skye: Like when we got that device from Peru, from a nice secure out a way ruin, into the Fridge where Hydra got it... you know I don't need to prove anything to you.

Bobbi: Sure, Skye.

Hunter: How did you find Mike Peterson?

Skye: I saw him jump of a burning building, saving the scientist who gave him the Centipede technology. I don't have a feeling that how we'll find Spider

Bobbi: No worries you guys, I have a plan.

Bobbi reaches into her bag.

Bobbi: This!

Skye: An expired Baskin Robbins coupon?

Bobbi: What? No.

Bobbi reaches back into her bag and pulls Simmons' energy-tracker out.

Bobbi: I took it out of Simmons' bag. Wait, that's expired? Coulson gave that to me as a gift for getting enemy secrets, what a ripoff! Anyway, this is Simmons Energy Tracker, she was going to use it in order to find Spider.

Hunter: That's what it was, I thought it was a really lame Nintendo DS.

Skye: So can it actually help us find Spider?

Bobbi: It can, we just have to follow the specific coordinates.

 _Fitz, Simmons, and Trip_

 _Location: Other side of town._

Simmons: We'll be getting that meal in no time, not to mention how much the other Agents will be jealous of us.

Trip: It is nice being the Director's best Agent, you get to send other people to follow Skye into caves and deal with all the Kree nonsense. _Sigh_

Fitz: Are you sure that tracker is leading us to the right location?

Simmons: Yes Fitz, it tracks the highest energy signal in the area, which must be Spider. Unless I'm using the counter-fit one.

Simmons looks in bag.

Simmons: Looks like Bobbi took it from my bag.

Trip: Why do you have a counter-fit energy tracker?

Simmons: Come on, if there's one thing the three intellectually challenged Agents know how to do, it's leech off me and Fitz's work, usually by just stealing our brilliant equipment and technology. But I made a counter-fit one that I knew they would take. It tracks the _lowest_ energy source in the vicinity, meaning they'll be lead away from Spider!

Fitz: What if they took the real converter?

Simmons: I didn't think of that.

The three of them stop to see themselves in the middle of an abandoned alleyway.

 _Coulson and May_

 _Location: The Globemaster_

Coulson: Here I fixed up your dorm, can I please go watch my cartoons now?

May: Not until I make sure this room is perfect to every last detail.

May jumps on her bed.

Coulson: I cleaned up all your dirty clothes, put all your weapons and guns back, and I even made your bed with a little chocolate thing, like in the hotels.

May looks and see the Chocolate crushed under her buttocks.

May: Coulson…

Coulson: Yes, May?

May: Take his chocolate off my butt please, using a toothbrush.

Coulson: Oh come on, seriously, I don't want to clean chocolate off your butt.

May: Fine, I'll tell all the other Agents how you cried for 45 minutes when Will didn't win Survivor.

Coulson: He played a terrible game, but damn he had the soul of a Survivor winner!

May just looks at him.

Coulson: *sigh* I will get one.

May: Get another chocolate too!

 _Skye, Bobbi, and Hunter_

 _Location: Beach_

Skye going to random people sunbathing.

Skye: Uh, Peter? Anyone here named Peter? Anyone? Someone have a piece of Spider technology, they want to show off?

Everyone ignores her and continues playing & sunbathing.

Skye: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas, what do you guys want to do?

Bobbi: How about, using the device.

Hunter: Where is it leading?

Bobbi: According to this, Spider should be somewhere in that Hotdog kiosk, how weird.

Skye: Let's not waste anytime, let's get three mediocre Hotdogs and find this badboy, am I right?

Hunter and Bobbi just look at Skye.

They walk to the Kiosk.

Clerk: Welcome to The Beach Hotdog Kiosk, how can I help?

Skye: You don't happen to have a piece of Spider technology with you by any chance?

Clerk: Are you high?

Skye: Are you?

The Clerk just looks at the three of them, before running out of the store.

Bobbi searches inside of it.

Bobbi: No sign of Spider here, just a very low energy Hot Dog oven

Hunter: Isn't that supposed to track _High_ -level energy?

Bobbi: Dang, Simmons must've given me a counter-fit one that tracks the opposite.

Skye: Well, since we now have no leads, you think we should just get dinner and call it a night? I mean, Spider will probably still be out there tomorrow, might as well enjoy ourselves and a sleep in a nice Hotel.

Hunter: Won't Trip, Simmons, and Fitz find it now?

Bobbi: Oh please, they won't find it. Trip doesn't do anything, while Fitz and Simmons are bumbling buffoons, who will probably just end up tripping on their own shoelaces, while getting lost before even getting close to it

Skye: Yeah, let's go eat.

 _Fitz, Simmons and Trip_

 _Location: Alleyway_

Fitz falls down

Fitz: What the, I tripped over my own shoelace.

Trip: Well, it's official. We're lost.

Simmons: Now, now let's keep following the tracker and see where it leads. Maybe that will get us to Spider.

Simmons walks while the others follow into a slum.

Fitz: Uh, Simmons where are we?

Simmons: According to the device Spider should be in this slum.

A short man dressed in a cheap suit walks up to Trip, Simmons and Fitz.

Man: Oh, you must be the new workers, right on time!

Simmons: I'm sorry, I think you might have us confused with someone else.

Man: You're them alright, two cooks and a dealer just who I wanted! Name's James Cook, but you can call me Captain Cook. Welcome to my Base of Operations!

Fitz: What is this place exactly?

Captain Cook: It's where I make the product, you see this city has a large demand for breathable gases, with all the pollution that has produced here over the years.

Trip: (Whispering) You lead us to a Drug base!?

Captain Cook: You see, if you hail just enough of the fumes from it, you can get a massive high, and the people will play big bucks to get it. So that's why you three need to get your asses working, right now!

Simmons: The monitor says Spider is in here, oh wait, the machines that makes gases give off high amounts of energy, and the tracker only goes after what gives the highest amount of energy.

Trip: Fudge.

 _Skye, Hunter, and Bobbi_

 _Location: Jack in The Box_

Skye: I can't eat my Jr. Jack right now

Bobbi: Why not, Skye?

Skye: That guy at the other table keeps watching me.

Bobbi and Hunter look over to see a man in a trench coat & fedora looking over at their table.

Bobbi: Who is he?

Skye: I don't know.

Bobbi: Can't you see him, maybe it's someone important that we should identify.

Skye: He is wearing a trench coat & fedora, haven't you seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bobbi? That means he isn't recognizable.

Hunter (Eating): She's right, we can't identify them while wearing that.

Bobbi: That makes no sense, I'm sure if we look hard… you know I think you're right I have no idea who that is.

Skye: Maybe we should just stay away from that guy.

Bobbi: Agreed, once I get my Soda re-filled, Hunter gets his Burger, and we all eat an Ice cream Cake, then we can maybe leave. As long as we don't have to dump in the Restroom.

 _Coulson & May_

 _Location: Globemaster_

Coulson: Alright, that's all the chocolate off your butt, I used Hunter's toothbrush so looks like my oral hygiene won't be in any troubles.

May: Thanks Phil, goodnight.

Coulson: Goodnight May.

He heads to his Computer and sees a new email.

As Coulson opens it he reads

 _Dear Agent Phil Coulson,_

 _It has come to the attention of myself and S.H.I.E.L.D. that the newest 0-8-4 piece of equipment "Spider" might contain huge amounts of power and is considered highly dangerous by experts, it is heavily suggested you don't send any Agents to seek it out until we find ways to successfully find out what exactly makes the Spider technology so deadly and find out a way to combat it securely._

 _Sincerely, Agent Maria Hill._

Coulson: Oh no!

Coulson runs into May's Dorm.

Coulson: May, you need to wake up!

May: What is it?

Coulson: I just got an email, Spider might be very dangerous we have to get the Agents back on the Globemaster ASAP!

 _Fitz, Simmons and Trip_

 _Location: Captain Cook's Factory_

Captain Cook: So here is your work station.

Simmons and Fitz see a broken wooden table with a 1st grade chemistry set

Fitz: We're supposed to make Pollution?

Captain Cook: Not just regular pollution, the kind that can be inhaled through the air.

Simmons: All pollution can be inhaled, what do you want us to do?

Captain Cook: Take out what makes it poisonous and keep what gives the high.

Trip: How much exactly are we being payed for this?

Captain Cook: I make a total of 75,000 dollars a day with this, so I will pay the three of you a hundred dollars.

Simmons: For a whole day?

Captain Cook: Which you can divide amongst yourselves.

Trip: We have to **share** that, I'm out man, S.H.I.E.L.D. might pay us nothing but atleast they don't insult us with being cheap punks.

Captain Cook: Not so fast, son.

Two guards come and grab Trip.

Captain Cook: I need two cooks and a dealer, and that's what you're going to do for me. Now sit right there and wait for FitzSimmons to be done with the product than ship it out!

Simmons (To Fitz): How does he already know our nickname?

Captain Cook goes over to Trip and ties him to a pole.

 _Skye, Bobbi, and Hunter_

 _Location: Motel Parking Lot_

Bobbi: Thanks for getting your old van Skye.

Skye: No problem Bobbi, missed this place anyway

Hunter: Oh, you have chocolate pudding in here, nice.

Skye: That's expired Coke! I must've left it in here from the day I went to join S.H.I.E.L.D.

Hunter (mouth already full): No wonder, it tastes like pickle-flavored applesauce, bleh.

Bobbi: We should check into the Motel.

Skye: Hopefully we have enough cash to get the suite!

While the three of them walk in, the man in the Trench coat and fedora is watching them from the end of the parking lot. He puts his Binoculars in a pocket and walks away.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Mack is walking into a diner and sits down at one of the booths. After reading the menu for a minute, someone walks up to it.

Guy: Mind if I join you?

Mack: Go ahead, man.

Guy: Thanks.

Mack: So, what's your name, what's your story?

Peter: My name is Peter, and I'm just looking for a warm Pancake dinner.

Mack: Well Peter you find the right man, let's get Hash browns too!

Behind Peter on his neck is a piece of technology that looks like a Spider.


	3. Spiderman

Episode 3: Spiderman

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Coulson: We've got a new piece of technology on our hands called Spider. It's owner is a man named Peter Pott, we need to send a S.H.I.E.L.D. team to LA in order to find him.

Simmons: Fitz, I made this new device to track the highest energy in the area, that way we can find Spider first.

Trip: Can I find Spider with you, I really want some Fist-Print cookies.

Fitz, Simmons and Trip go into Captain Cook's Slum.

Captain Cook: New Employees, just in time!

Fitz: Simmons, why did he call us " _his employees?"_!?

Bobbi: I took this from Simmons bag, it tracks high level energy items in the area

Skye: Great thinking.

Bobbi searches a Hot Dog Kiosk on the beach

Bobbi: Spider isn't here.

Hunter: I thought that was supposed to track high energy items?

Bobbi: Unless, dammit Simmons must've planted a fake one, and I took it!

Skye: Since we have no leads, let's eat dinner and rest up for the night.

Hunter, Bobbi and Skye are eating at Jack in the Box.

Skye: That man in the Fedora and Trench coat keeps watching me.

Bobbi: Let's just go to the Motel, I'm sure it's no one too serious.

The man watches as Hunter, Bobbi and Skye check into The Motel.

May: I beat you at Mario Kart, unless you want me to blab about this to the others Agents, you have to do what I say Coulson.

After Coulson is finished making May's room, he gets an email from Agent Hill that Spider is dangerous.

Coulson: May, Spider might be really dangerous, we can't let the other Agents keep looking for it without backup!

Mack goes into a diner.

Peter: Mind if I join you?

Mack: Go ahead, man.

Peter: Thanks

Behind Peter he has Spider attached to him.

Now...

 _Mack and Peter_

 _Location: Von Doom Diner_

Mack: So, what's your favorite breakfast food, Peter?

Peter: Pancakes, obviously.

Mack: Should've guessed, Von Doom's does have the best pancakes in Latveria.

Peter: You can say that again!

Mack: I'm getting Waffles though.

Waitress: Hi there boys, what can I get you?

Mack: Just a coffee for me, and a large Waffles.

Peter: Can I have your biggest pancakes with chocolate chips, blueberries and whipcream all inside of it, covered in maple & chocolate syrup. And if it's not too much trouble can you just straight up wrap it in a mushroom omelette too, thanks, you know what just throw in two more pancakes on top of it. And a Diet Coke would be lovely.

The waitress just stairs at them.

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _Trip, Simmons, and Fitz_

 _Location: Captain Cook's Slum_

Fitz and Simmons are working on the product while Trip is still tied to the pole.

Trip: Can we get some dinner please, I'm starving over here?

Captain Cook (Reading a Newspaper): Yeah, just let me finish reading the funnies. Let's see what's going in Family Circus today.

Fitz: Who even reads Family Circus anymore?

Simmons: Coulson does.

Fitz: Exactly.

Captain Cook: Here's your dinner.

Captain Cook throws a bag to Trip.

Trip: Horse chow, come on!

Captain Cook: You guys want something to eat?

Simmons: That would actually be lovely.

Captain Cook: Too bad, only got one bag.

Fitz: Can I use the bathroom?

Captain Cook throws Fitz a towel.

Captain Cook: You can keep that once you're done.

Fitz and Simmons look at each other.

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _Skye, Bobbi, and Hunter_

 _Location: The Motel_

Skye: Such a weird name for a Motel.

Hunter: Is there a vending machine here?

Bobbi: Yeah, here's one buck, buy us a snack.

Hunter: Thanks!

Skye goes up to the front desk

Skye (Ringing the bell): Anyone? I guess you don't want five dollars, and a mint!

A man turns walks over to the front desk

Motel Clerk: What do you want?

Bobbi: Well, we just wanted to see how you were doing and how the business was holding up.

Motel Clerk: Really?

Bobbi: No not really, we want a room!

Skye (To Motel Clerk): That, should've been a no-brainer buddy.

Motel Clerk: Alright, here's your key, that'll be ten Euros.

Skye: We don't have Euros, we aren't in Euria.

Bobbi: " _Euria"_ , really?

Skye: Why can't you just take our dollars?

Motel Clerk: Because I have to transfer the money back Portugal, to fund my Uncle's Mafia and... you know what I'll just take the dollars.

Skye: Dang, I was so into your story.

Bobbi: Rolls eyes

Bobbi walks over to Hunter.

Skye: Got the key!

Bobbi (to Hunter): Nice going blockhead, you totally wasted that buck.

Hunter: I wanted a box of Oatmeal Raisin cookies.

Skye walks over to Hunter & Bobbi

Skye: Oh, Chocolate Chip cookies, don't mind if I do.

Skye takes one of the cookies and has one bite before spitting it all over the floor.

 _Mack & Peter_

 _Location: The Diner_

Waitress (To Peter): Here's your Chocolate, Blueberry, and Whip cream pancake wrapped in a mushroom omelette and three extra pancakes, and one Diet Coke.

In 5 seconds at lighting fast speeds the whole meal is eaten and the coke can is empty.

Peter: BUUUUURRRRRP

Mack: Dang, I didn't even touch my food yet!

Peter: Waitress, can we get a large pie here.

Mack slowly starts eating his food, soon after the Waitress brings a large pie to their table.

Peter: Looks good, let's both try to eat it together.

Peter consumes the whole pie in 3 seconds.

Peter: Ah, that's good. want to get an after dinner run?

Mack: Man, I didn't even take five bites out of my waffle!

Peter: It's okay, I'll wait.

Peter starts really fast tapping his hand on the table.

 _Coulson and May_

 _Location: Globemaster_

Coulson: Why are none of them picking up their phones!

May: They're probably busy trying to look for Spider. Speaking of which, I'm wide awake now.

Coulson: How is that at all related to what I was talking about? Anyway, what are you implying?

May: Entertain me!

Coulson: Want to play some video games?

May: No, I'm bored of that, tell me a story.

Coulson: Okay, here's a story about a man named Moulson who is doing whatever his really annoying inferior Cay tells him to do...

May: Ohhh, I'm already hooked.

 _Skye, Hunter and Bobbi_

 _Location: The Motel room_

Skye (checking her phone): Wow, Coulson left us a ton of messages, should I call him back?

Bobbi: So, are we all sharing a bed?

Hunter: No, you & Skye can sleep on the pullout, I'll get the big bed, problem solved.

Bobbi: Wow, so thoughtful of you (rolls eyes)

Skye calls back Coulson

Coulson: And then Moulson threw her off the plane into the Atlantic Ocean, goodnight.

May: That sucked.

Coulson: Well sorry, when you're busy watching cartoons and sleeping all day, and every now and then have to run a top secret agency, your storytelling skills start to get stale

He feels his phone ring

Coulson: Oh, it's Skye I got to get this.

Picks up phone

Coulson: Skye, you and the other Agents need to stop looking for Spider.

Skye: Why we're (looks at Hunter and Bobbi arguing)... making so much progress.

Hunter: Ten dollars to rent a Porno, who do they think I am, Tony Stark?

Coulson: Was that Hunter?

Skye: No... that was... a Hydra Agent! Get out of here, scumbag!

Hunter and Bobbi looks at her confused

Coulson: Well, we found out from Agent Hill that Spider could be much more dangerous than we previously thought, so we need you and everyone else to head back to the Globemaster. Are all the other Agents with you?

Skye: No, just Bobbi & Hunter.

Coulson: Where are Fitz, Simmons, Trip and Mack?

Skye: Well Simmons, Trip and Fitz went off on their own.

Coulson: And Mack?

Skye: I'm not really sure. But we can try and turn around sir if that's what you want.

Coulson: Okay, thank you Skye, tell Bobbi and Hunter that too!

Skye: Will do.

She hangs up.

Skye: You guys, we have to go back to the plane, Coulson says Spider is too dangerous.

Bobbi: We can't just leave the FitzSimmons, Mack and that other guy.

Skye: His name is Trip!

Bobbi: If we look now, we could find them probably by sundawn

Skye: This is the middle of a huge city, and we don't even know where they are

Hunter: So let's get looking then.

As Hunter, Bobbi and Skye leave The Motel, they see the Fedora and Trench Coat man.

Skye: Ugh, this guy again. Listen pal, you need to stop stalking us.

Trench coat and Fedora Man: I don't think so, Skye. (He pulls out a handgun)

Skye: How do you know my name?

Hunter: Take it easy, you don't want me to get hurt.

Bobbi: Huh?

Trench coat and Fedora man: I can't let you S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents keep uncovering mysteries about Spider, kind of gets in the way of _our_ interests.

Skye: Who's interests?

Trench coat and Fedora Man: That's for me to know, and for you to find out.

Bobbi: Wow, he might be the darkest person to quote the Brady Bunch.

Hunter: That's racist.

Bobbi gives Hunter a dirty look.

Trench coat and Fedora Man: Now, you all should come with me.

Skye: We were going back to the Globemaster, not even going to find Spider.

Trench coat and Fedora man: I can't really take your word on that, especially considering how close you got to finding it.

Hunter: Who got close to it?

Trench coat and Fedora man: Stop asking questions and just follow me already

They all follow Trench coat and Fedora Man to behind The Motel.

 _Fitz, Simmons and Trip_

 _Location: Captain Cook's Slum_

Simmons: How much product do you have?

Fitz: About one Kilo of the pure stuff. I'm so tired.

Captain Cook walks over to Fitz and Simmons.

Fitz: Sorry if we've been slow with our progress I'm just so hungry and tired, and the smell from this towel is unbearable.

Captain Cook: This Kilo is incredible, completely pure Pollution.

Simmons: I don't think "pure" and "pollution" should ever be used in the same sentence.

Captain Cook: Whatever, this is amazing, for all this work I'm going to...

Fitz & Simmons: Ah

Captain Cook: Give you double work!

Fitz & Simmons: Aw

Captain Cook: Start working.

Fitz: We have to get out of this crazy place.

Simmons: Definitely, and I think I have a plan, a good one this time.

 _Mack & Peter_

 _Location: Outside._

Mack: Those were some good waffles.

Peter: So, should we do that after dinner jog? I'll race you

Peter runs around the street three times.

Peter: Wow, I'm tired now, but hungry again.

Peter eats something in Mack's pocket.

Mack: That was my phone, what the hell!? I even think someone was trying to call me during dinner!

Peter: Oh, well sorry. I'll run to the Apple Store and see if there are any phones.

Peter runs away and back in 2 seconds.

Peter: They thought I was Quicksilver and banned me from the store.

Peter pats Mack on the back really quick.

Mack: Why are you like, so... fast all the time?

Peter: Want me to let you in on a little secret?

Mack: Lay it on me.

Peter: I bought some thing called " _Spider_ " since my life was so busy, and I never had enough time to do everything. Now, I can do anything in a day.

Peter runs and comes back with some meat in five seconds.

Peter: Just stole that from Farmer's Market across the street. The only downside is this is I'm always hungry after I go places.

Mack: Wait... is that chicken seasoned with Rosemary?

Peter: Sure is!

Mack takes some

Mack (Mouth full): Oh yeah, and I work for an organization that's looking for Spider. You come with me, so we can study that.

Peter: I ain't going anywhere with you.

Mack: Look man, I work for the top secret Spy Organization called S.H.I.E.L.D. and if you don't come with me, I'll be very mad. _Why did I let Hunter borrow my Icer?_

Peter: I'm not letting S.H.I.E.L.D. get Spider, this thing is awesome. And I need it to keep doing chores.

Peter tries to run away but before gaining momentum suddenly slowing down.

Peter: What the hell?

Peter takes Spider off his back.

 _Low Batteries_

Mack grabs him by the arm.

Peter: No! I need to keep using this! What does it run on!

Mack: Yeah, I don't think the other Agents would be too happy if I came back with Spider depleted of battery. Come to think of it.

Peter: Look, I'll go with you to S.H.I.E.L.D., I just need to keep using Spider. Once you go fast, you never want to go back.

Mack: Alright, deal.

The two shack hands.

 _Coulson and May_

 _Location: Globemaster_

Coulson is reading the News.

Coulson: Hahaha, I love Family Circus.

He hears something going in May's dorm.

As he goes into it, he sees her playing Halo 4 Multiplayer against Billy Koenig.

Billy (Through microphone): Wow May, ten kills in a row, this might be my best game yet.

May: Oh shut up Billy! If I just didn't run so slow, wait, why am I playing this? I hate Halo.

May turns off the Xbox.

Coulson: Melinda?

May: Yes, Coulson?

Coulson: I just saw you make a complete fool of yourself while losing that Halo match.

May: You gonna tell the others?

Coulson: No, but I'm not gonna be doing what you want anymore.

Coulson leaves the room and purposely knocks down a bookshelf and spills her Diet Pepsi on the bed.

May: Well, that was just plain rude.

 _Skye, Hunter, Bobbi and T &F Man._

 _Location: Behind The Motel._

Trench coat and Fedora Man: Alright, here is good.

Skye: Where are you taking us?

Trench coat and Fedora Man: Somewhere you won't be able to find Spider. It is _mine!_ Well, technically my organizations, but that didn't sound as cool.

Skye: That's the thing, were weren't going to find Spider! I just told you, let us leave and we'll let you or whoever you work for have Spider

Trench coat and Fedora Man: Do I look like a schmuck to you?

Skye: Well, you might. I don't even know your face.

Trench coat and Fedora Man: Tell me if it does.

Trench Coat and Fedora Man takes off his hat and coat revealing himself to be Grant Ward, Agent of Hydra!

Skye: Ward, oh come on!

Ward: Damn, I walked into that one, didn't I?

Bobbi: And this one too.

Bobbi kicks Ward right in the underpants, while he walked up to her.

They all run off.

Ward: I really need to start thinking before I walk somewhere.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

While Fitz and Simmons are working on the product, and Trip is sleeping. Captain Cook goes outside, while the sun is rising and gets on the phone.

Captain Cook: Hey. Yeah, it's going great, they're actually making the product faster than I thought. We'll have a sustainable batch probably by tomorrow if they keep working on the clock. Of course I didn't tell them what the product really does, do I look like a schmuck to you? Yeah, I know you can't literally see me, it's a figure of... whatever. Yes sir, I understand, I will work them until we get every last piece we need, thanks.

Captain Cook hangs up and goes back into the Slum.

 _All New, Next Tuesday_

 _Skye: How are we go to get away from Ward?_

 _Hunter: We avoid him._

 _Bobbi: Oh, no kidding, really, I thought we were going to try and walk right to him. Rolls Eyes_

 _Simmons: If we can distract Captain Cook for long enough, we might be able to get out of here, with this device._

 _Fitz: I'm still Engineering, the one who invents stuff._

 _Peter: I can research possible things that Spider runs on, but in the mean time you need to take over my store._

 _Mack: Say what now?_

 _Ward: I am going to find Spider at any cost, even if it means terminating S.H.I.E.L.D.!_

 _Cashier: You want fries with your Big Mac?_

 _Trip: Does anyone remember what our original mission was?_

 _Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Next Tuesday._


	4. Dog Days

Episode 4: Dog Days

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Mack: Why are you... so fast?

Peter: I got this piece of technology called " _Spider_ ", I can do everything really fast with it.

Mack: I need to return that to S.H.I.E.L.D., the organization I work for.

Peter Never!

As Peter tries to run away, he slows down before gaining super speeds. He looks to see why Spider isn't working.

 _Low Batteries_

Mack: I can't go back to the Globemaster with Spider out of batteries.

Peter: I have a deal, you help me find out how to get Spider charged and I'll come with you quietly to S.H.I.E.L.D.

Skye, Bobbi and Hunter are eating at Jack in The Box.

Skye: That man keeps staring at me.

The Trench coat and Fedora man is waiting for them outside The Motel.

Skye: Listen Pal, you need to stop stalking us.

The Trench coat and Fedora man talks off his hat and coat revealing himself to be Grant Ward!

Bobbi: Watch where you're walking.

Bobbi kicks Ward in the underwear while he walked towards them.

Ward: Walked right in that one.

Coulson walks in on May making a fool of herself playing Halo against Billy Koenig.

Coulson: Now since I have dirt on you, I'm not doing what you say anymore.

FitzSimmons and Trip walk into a slum.

Captain Cook: My new employees, get right to work.

FitzSimmons are cooking product for Captain Cook.

Captain Cook: Wow, this batch is really good, do another, now.

Fitz: We have to get out of here.

Simmons: I have an idea, and It involves a device I have been working on.

Captain Cook (on phone): Yeah, everything is going as planned. Don't worry, I didn't tell them about the product's actual purpose. You're telling me, I told you before, I will work those two until we get every last piece we need. Thanks, bye.

And now...

 _Skye, Bobbi, and Hunter_

 _Location: LA_

The three Agents are running from Ward.

Hunter (Tired): Are we far enough yet?

Bobbi: Considering we've been running for maybe a couple seconds, and I can still see Ward in the distance, I don't think so.

Hunter: Someone's salty today.

Skye: It took you this long to realize it?

Bobbi: Will you both shut up, we have to get away from Ward!

They continue to run through the street, holding up local traffic.

In the middle of street they stop to catch their breathe again.

Skye: Is this why Coulson didn't pick us to be on the S.H.I.E.L.D. track team?

Bobbi: Ward's going to catch up to us, we need somewhere to go.

Hunter: I've got a plan guys

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _Coulson & May _

Location: Globemaster... for a change.

They are both sleeping in their cabins, while May sneaks into Coulson's.

There, she tapes him sleep talking.

Coulson (sleeping): No Colonel Fury, I don't want to teach Thor his the alphabet, he's a grown man

As May is about to leave someone is calling her phone. The default ringtone on her phone, a high pitched screaming.

May (whispering): Who is it!?

Mack (Using Peter's Phone): May, it's me. I lost my phone (looks at Peter), and need to ask you something.

May: Can't it wait until the morning?

Mack: Nah, if Spider was re-charable what do you think it would run on?

May: What kind of question is that?

Mack (To Peter): I don't think she knows.

Peter: Than hang up.

Mack: Okay, sorry for bothering you.

Mack hangs up.

She looks at Coulson to see he is still sleeping.

As May tries to walk she knocks over the camcorder against the ground. SLAM!

May: Grrrrr

As she tries again to walk to the door she steps on a toy _Darth Vader_ mask which starts making the breathing sound

Coulson still looks asleep.

She gets out and quietly closes the door.

Coulson jumps out of bed after hearing it close

Coulson: What the hell was that?

 _Mack & Peter_

 _Location: Gas Station_

Mack: Spider definitely does not run on gasoline.

Mack is putting the fuel pump on Spider, spilling gasoline everywhere. Everyone is staring at them.

Peter: Maybe you should stop doing that then...

Mack: Whatever you say.

Peter: Listen, Alphonso is it?

Mack: I prefer " _Mack_ "

Peter: Whatever, I can research things that Spider runs on in my own time but the only problem is...

Mack:...

Peter:...

Mack... why are we not saying anything?

Peter: Sorry, my mind is slow after being fast with spider for so long. But the only problem is I have a business, which needs running.

Mack: What's your point?

Peter...

Mack: This is going to take awhile isn't it?

Peter...

Mack:...

 _FitzSimmons and Trip_

 _Location: Captain Cook's slum_

Captain Cook walks over to Trip.

Captain Cook: Yo, get up!

He blows a horn.

Trip: Ah! What do you want?

Simmons: He just has a horn with him, why?

Fitz: I always thought the less we ask questions here, the better.

Captain Cook (To Trip): We have a batch that's full, you need to sell it around the block.

Trip: Okay, I guess.

Captain Cook unties Trip and puts a giant sack of purified pollution on his back, attached with duck tape.

Trip: What the hell is on my back?

Captain Cook: 99.1% Pure LA pollution buddy. And you're going to sell that to the people of the slums.

Trip: First of all, why would anyone buy pollution, that isn't even a real drug. Second of all, why would I do that for you?

Captain Cook: Because if you don't, I'll put you latrine duty.

Captain Cook points to Fitz's towel

Trip: Okay, I'll do it.

Captain Cook: You got to sell all of that, I don't want even a huff of pollution left in that bag once you're done, you understand?

Simmons: Fitz, if we distract Captain Cook long enough, I can use the device I've been working on to get us out of here.

Fitz: I'm still engineering Jemma, I should've invented the device.

Simmons: Uh, blame lazy writing Fitz.

Fitz: What is the device anyway?

Simmons: It's a re-paired Night Night gun, I made one in secret with our cooking equipment.

Fitz: Impressive, so we fire one at Captain Cook and get out of here?

Simmons: Exactly, but we must wait for the right time, distract him somehow.

Fitz: Don't worry, I'm the master of seduction.

Fitz tries to make a sexy face.

Simmons: Oh boy...

 _Somewhere else_

Ward: I don't care what it takes, I will find Skye and her friends. S.H.I.E.L.D. can run as much as they want, but I will never stop chasing after them. I am the wolf they are the fox, I am the hunter they are the hunted. Soon those Agents will feel the wrath of a truly powerful assassin of Hydra and will regret the day they ever crossed me or any of associates. Hail Hydra!

Ward puts his arms up.

Cashier: Sir, I don't know why you're telling me this, do you want fries with your Big Mac?

Ward: Definitely, and a Happy Meal. That better come with a toy.

Ward looks on his phone. He placed a tracker on Skye, and saw her location.

Ward: Run, run, run little Skye, but the big bad Ward will always find you.

Cashier: That's kind of creepy, dude.

Ward: No one asked you!

 _Mack & Peter_

 _Location: Gas Station... still_

Peter: I need you, Mack to...

Mack: I'm walking away if you don't say something, man.

Peter: Work at my store, there!

Mack: What do you mean "work at your store"?

Peter: I mean, I have a business that needs running. If I am spending my time finding out what Spider runs on, someone needs to be managing my shop, you.

Mack: What kind of business?

Peter: A pet store.

Mack: A what now?

Peter: A pet store, it's not very busy, called _Pott's Pet Emporium. That's trademarked by the way_

Mack: I guess I can do a little work in there.

Peter: Excellent, I'll drive.

Mack: Great.

Peter and Mack get in the car

As Peter starts the car he sees the gas is empty.

Mack: Maybe we should've spent less time arguing, and gotten gas.

Peter looks at Mack.

 _Trip_

 _Location: LA_

Trip: Can't believe I'm doing this, carrying a heavy sack of pollution on my back, walking through this gross street, why am I always doing this crap? Skye never has to. (Imitating Skye's voice) _Save me Coulson, I'm Inhuman and need to find my parents, everything I do is perfect and everyone loves me!_ _Every plotline in the series revolves around me!_ Just shut up already and let's get some interesting Trip action, who's with me? Who am I talking to?

He keeps walking, until he gets to somebodies door, a man answers.

Doorman (To Trip): Are you some new type of Jehovah's witness?

Trip: What the hell, no! I'm selling pollution, you want to buy?

Doorman: Oh, sounds exotic! I'll take one pound.

Trip: First guy who hasn't slammed the door in my face. Okay, coming right up.

Trip tries to open the bag.

Trip: How do you even take pollution out a bag? What do I do, put it in a bowl?

Trip opens the bag and all the pollution rushes out, shooting him into the sky.

Trip: AHHHHHHHHHH!

Doorman:...

 _Skye, Bobbi and Hunter_

 _Location: Grauman's Chinese Theatre_

Tourists are taking autographs of them

Skye: This is gross! It smells like a sewer here, and I'm pretty sure that guy in the Deadpool costume just stole something from my purse.

Bobbi: What the hell are we doing?

Hunter: Blending in, people think we're celebrities.

Skye: It's not pretending when you obviously are, since when are S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents not famous?

Skye poses for a picture.

Bobbi: Because we keep on the down low, now everyone here knows we are spies and about S.H.I.E.L.D.!

Skye: No point in going through all the stuff we do for no payback, besides I always wanted to be a celebrity. Getting into exclusive night clubs, the interviews on talk shows, it's my dream to be on Hollywood Squares one day.

Bobbi: Is that show even still on?

Skye: Not since the 80s.

Bobbi:... back to my previous point, what are we doing here?

Hunter: Trying fit in so Ward doesn't find us.

Bobbi: Hunter, we're disguising as S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents? In public, to hide from Ward, who is _looking_ for S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents?

Hunter: Exactly.

Bobbi: Unbelievable, come on Skye, let's get some real disguises and let Hunter go on with his "brilliant" idea.

 _Ward is watching from the balcony._

Ward: Is that them? In the middle of the theatre, in their S.H.I.E.L.D. outfits? Nah, it's too obvious.

Ward takes a bite of his McDonalds and keeps looking around.

Ward spits it out.

He sees that his Happy Meal Toy was put _into_ the Big Mac.

Ward: Oh, I am so blaming that cashier for this

 _Mack & Peter _

_Location: Pott's Pet Emporium_

Mack: Say that three times really fast.

Peter: So this is where I keep the birds, I'm especially proud of the Canaries.

Mack: Can I pet one?

Peter: Sure, if you want to lose a finger. (Whispering) They're biters.

Mack: Is that it?

Peter: Pretty much, just feed the animals, keep them comfortable, and deal with any costumers that come through. You'll also need to wear _this._

Peter puts a pink shirt with writing on Mack.

Mack: What is this, "I love Hedgehogs"? Why do I have to wear this?

Peter: Hedgehogs are one of the least popular pets here, we have to increase moral for them in any way possible. I made them myself this morning, you also have to wear this.

Peter puts a _Sonic the Hedgehog hat on Mack_.

Mack: People aren't going to buy them because I have these clothes on.

Peter: Maybe not? But, I already made it for you, so I'm going to pretend you didn't say that!

Mack: Hold up, you don't have the time to run a pet shop and research stuff Spider might run, but you _do_ have time to tailor a shirt and hat for me? How did you even know my size?

Peter: I... mismanage priorities a lot?

Mack: Fine, just let me do my thing here.

Peter: One more thing, it's craptime in 1 minute. Ciao!

Peter leaves.

Mack: The the hell is...

All the animals in the store "relive" themselves.

Mack: Crap

 _FitzSimmons_

 _Location: Captain Cook's Slum_

Simmons: Okay Fitz, now is your chance. Captain Cook is right there, Ice him now!

Fitz: The first thing I'm going to do when we get out of here is pick up this month's issue of Monkey Weekly. I missed it thanks to him, they're going to interview a rare african breed that...

Simmons: For the love of god Fitz! Shoot him!

Fitz shoots a Icer blast at Captain Cook.

Captain Cook: Wow, my shoes are untied. Better tie 'em so I don't trip.

As Captain Cook bends down the blast hits a tin can which reflects back to Fitz, Icing _him._

Simmons: Fitz, hello?

Captain Cook: I feel like the only drug Kingpin who still wears lace shoes, hey, why is he sleeping?

Simmons: Uh, he's not sleeping, he's trying to make drugs with the force!

Captain Cook: Okay, wait. He's not a Jedi, you liar.

Guards surround Simmons, while Captain Cook finds the Night Night gun.

Captain Cook: A gun huh, very well. Guards!

The guard fire at Simmons with their _Paintball guns_

Simmons: Paint!? I've been trapped here with Fitz and Trip in this Pollution lab, and I could've left the whole time!

Captain Cook: Not unless you wanted to get pelted with yellow, green, and red paint! But yeah, we couldn't afford real guns. Our business ain't so good anymore, with all that talk of cleaning up the environment

Simmons takes the Night Night gun and Ices the guards and Captain Cook. She picks Fitz up on her shoulder and walks out.

Simmons: Why is he so light? It's unsettling.

 _Coulson and May_

 _Location: Globemaster_

Coulson and May are drinking coffee in the kitchen.

Coulson: Someone was in my room, last night, they apparently tried to record me sleeping. Either, Hydra has really run out of ideas on how to spy on us, or you planted that there!

May: Fine Coulson, I'm sorry.

Coulson: I just have to ask, why would you try to record me sleep talking?

May: I needed to catch you doing something embarrassing, to blackmail you, it was so nice having someone do whatever you want.

 _Flashback_

May (Dressed in women's 70s disco costume): Come on Coulson!

Coulson (Not on screen): May, I don't want to do this.

May: You don't want me to tell the other Agents about the _embarrassing stuff_ you do when no one is looking, do you?

Coulson: Fine!

Coulson walks out wearing an afro, elvis suit and elevator shoes.

May: One, two, three, ready!

A disco comes down from the ceiling and Coulson & May do the "staying alive" dance.

Coulson & May: Stayin' alive, stayin' alive, oh oh oh, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

 _Present_

Coulson: Shutters

May: You knew I always wanted to do a 70s disco number.

Coulson: May, those days are over. You're my subordinate and I want you to stop this nonsense.

May: Ever since Bahrain you never do anything with me, it's unfair.

Coulson: May, what are you talking about?

May: You think just because I don't talk, it means I don't want to do anything. But I do, a lot of things.

Coulson: How was I supposed to know? You gave up being a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent to work in a cubicle, that isn't really what someone who wants to do 70s disco numbers in spy planes does!

May: Well, having you doing things for me, made me realize I do want us to do stuff together.

Coulson: We can still do stuff you like May. I want you to be happy, but I also want to not be blackmailed by you.

May: Really, well, I have a lot of things I've wanted to do since the day of Bahrain!

Coulson: What did I get myself into?

 _Mack_

 _Location: Pott's Pet Emporium_

Mack is cleaning out one of the dog cages, he got some of it on his hand.

Mack: This is crap!

Someone walks into the store.

Mack: Hello, welcome to Pott's Pet Emporium, I'm Mack, how can I help you?

Costumer: Where's Peter, he usually helps me with my... let's see... _Cat needs._

Mack: You can tell me what you need, I'm taking over the shop while he's working on something else.

Costumer: My name is Spencer, and I need to see Peter right now!

Mack: Okay, let me get him.

Behind the shop, Peter is on a computer watching Pewdiepie Let's Plays.

Peter: Oh, Mack what are you doing here? I am very busy researching things Spider might run on

Mack: Someone needs to talk to you.

Peter and Mack walk into the shop.

Mack: Here he is.

Peter: Do I know you?

Spencer: No, but I know you. Captain Cook wants his money, you've hoarded the product for over a month, it's time to pay up.

Spencer pulls out a taser.

Mack: Captain who?

Peter: Woah pal, no need for any violence. Hey's what that on your shirt?

As Spencer looks down Peter pushes his chin up.

Mack: Ha!

Peter: But seriously, what's that on the wall?

As Spencer looks at the wall Peter and Mack run away.

Spencer: Hey, get back here!

Spencer chases after them

 _Skye, Hunter and Bobbi_

 _Location: Grauman's Chinese Theatre_

Skye and Bobbi are wearing Fedora and Trench coats.

Hunter: Oh sorry, you two, those spots are taken!

Bobbi (taking off hat): It's me you dunderhead!

Hunter: Oh, neat disguises.

Skye: It was my idea, since Ward did it to us, why not give him a taste of own medicine.

Hunter: Clever.

Skye: Damn right, clever.

Bobbi: Why are we still waiting here, we have our disguises, let's look for Spider.

Skye: You know where we can find it?

Bobbi: Actually I do, we know who has it, Peter Pott, and I have a little thing called a _phone_.

Bobbi searches Peter Pott.

Bobbi: Looks like Peter Pott owns a Pet Shop here in the city, it's called _Pott's Pet Emporium_.

Skye: Try saying that three times.

Bobbi: Mack already did that joke.

Hunter: Get with the times Skye.

Skye: So, we head to this pet shop and get Spider?

Bobbi: Bingo.

They all get up and head into the alleyway.

Ward jumps off of the rooftop and holds them up.

Ward: Not so fast S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents!

Skye: Ward! How can you recognize us!?

Ward: It's just a hat and a long coat, I'm not a moron.

Skye: Well, that doesn't make me feel very smart.

Bobbi: Same

Hunter: I don't know how you found us again Ward, but don't aim for my abs, they're the only thing this one has going for her (points to Bobbi).

She elbows Hunter, but starts awing from his muscles.

Ward: I heard you know where to find Spider, lead my there.

Bobbi: Okay, you first.

Ward: I'm not falling for that again, I think before I walk into things now!

Bobbi: Dang.

Skye: Did you eat a Big Mac earlier?

Ward: Yeah, I did, wasn't too good though, my burger had a toy in it, and the McDonalds refused to give me another one, how did you know?

Skye: I can smell it on you, and I know you Ward, better than you think.

Skye uses her _Quaking_ power to knock Ward back.

Ward flies backward, and Bobbi with Hunter fall down.

Ward: Now, it's on!

The two of them fight, while Bobbi and Hunter and still on the ground.

Bobbi: We need to help, come on Hunter.

Hunter: Ah, this puddle I fell into is just _so_ comfortable.

Ward manages to overpower Skye, he pulls out his gun.

Ward: Sorry Skye, but brawn beats Quake powers. Any last words before I knock you out?

Skye: Well, your face is dumb.

Ward: Odd choice for last words, but okay.

Before Ward is about to shoot a car drives by and hits him.

Driver: Sorry.

Ward lies on the ground.

Ward: I'm okay, I'm okay!

The driver comes back around, hitting him again.

Driver: Sorry, I'm looking for a lost raffle ticket, you guys see it.

Hunter: Found it.

He gives the driver his ticket.

Driver: Yes, three in a row, I won... a free Denny's paperclip?

Skye runs to Ward.

Ward: Skye, It's all flashing before me.

Skye: What is?

Ward: All the stuff that happened to me, leading up to this moment. Especially the stuff that the readers didn't see or already know!

Skye: Oh god, not a flashback episode.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Mack and Peter (holding Spider) are running from Spencer.

Spencer: I'll get you.

Mack: He's gaining on us.

Peter and Mack run into a dead end.

Peter: Spider is out of batteries and Spencer is going to destroy us, what do we do?

As Spencer gets closer to both of them, Trip falls out of the sky and lands on him.

Trip: Dang, Mack?

Mack: Trip, what are you doing here?

Trip: This stupid bag made me fly for like an hour!

Suddenly another burst of pollution comes out of the bag, and completely _re-charges_ Spider.

Peter: Got to go!

Peter (grabbing Mack) quickly uses Spider and speeds out of there.

 _Next Tuesday..._

 _Ward (Weak): I need to tell you all, why I'm looking for Spider._

 _Skye: Really, it's going to be one of those episodes?_

 _Ward is at a bar._

 _Hydra Agent: You need to serve your nation Ward._

 _Ward: By working for a organization bent on destroying said nation._

 _Hydra Agent: Exactly!_

 _Ward walks into the Hydra base in Cuba._

 _Ward: Wow, I forgot what a dump this place was._

 _Find out Ward's secrets._

 _Ward: So why does Hydra want me back?_

 _Man in shadows: My loyalty is not towards Hydra, but rather another organization._

 _Next, episode, is, all, about, Ward!_

 _Are you happy fangirls?_

 _New Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Next Tuesday..._


	5. Agents of Hydra

**The following chapter contains spoilers from Avengers 2: Age of Ultron and the latest episodes of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Read at your own discretion.**

Episode 5: Agents of Hydra

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

A mysterious man is watching the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents.

Skye, Bobbi and Hunter leave to look for Spider.

Hunter: We can't find Spider, let's just get dinner and call it a night.

Bobbi, Hunter and Skye are eating at Jack in The Box.

Skye: Creepy guy in the fedora and trench coat staring at us, two on the dime.

Bobbi: What the hell does that mean?

Skye: I don't know, I just wanted to sound like a spy.

The Trench coat and fedora man holds up the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents with a gun.

He takes off his hat and coat revealing himself to be Grant Ward.

Skye: Ward?

The group escapes Ward and goes into disguise into Grauman's Chinese Theatre... As S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents

Bobbi: Which is extremely stupid (Looks at Hunter)

Skye: It worked fine, until you made us change disguises.

Hunter: She's got you there Bobs

Bobbi gives Hunter a dirty look.

Ward confronts them in the alleyway and defeats Skye.

Ward: Any last words?

Skye: Watch out.

A car hits Ward... twice.

Ward: It's all flashing before me, everything that happened up until this point, especially stuff the readers didn't see.

And now...

Ward: I can see it all happening, I must remember all of it.

Skye: So, this means we're doing a flashback episode?

Ward: We are doing a flashback episode.

Bobbi (To Ward): No one cares about why you're here, let's just continue on with the story. What's going on with Agent Trip?

Hunter: He's still in this story, could've fooled me.

Skye (To Bobbi): Not true Bobbi, people care about Ward. Have you seen all the Skyeward shipping in the fandom?

Hunter (Whispering in Bobbi's ear): _Hashtag stand with Ward!_

Bobbi slugs him.

Skye: He's right though, Ward is totally going to get redeemed at some point, just so you wait.

Bobbi: And the two of you are also going to fall in love?

Skye: Who says we aren't already?

Everyone: You!

Skye: Oh...

Ward: Will you all be quiet already? I need to focus.

 _Flashback._

Ward (Narrating): I never had friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?

 _Present_

Bobbi: You're ripping off Stand By Me, seriously?

Ward: Let me have my flashback!

Skye: What do your friends when you were twelve have anything to do with the plot anyway?

Ward: Oh, I guess they don't, okay let me try that again. It all started after I was trying to work for Hydra again.

 _Flashback_

Ward is sitting in a bar, drinking his troubles away.

A Hydra Agent walks in.

Hydra Agent: It looks like all of Hydra's leadership has been destroyed, the organization is disintegrated.

Ward: Wouldn't there be a backup protocol for this type of situation? Strucker should've atleast had a plan in case this happened.

Hydra Agent: You would think, but no. Strucker was unorganized as all get out, have you looked at the man's desk? It was full of papers, food, spilled drinks, surprised he got any work done.

Ward: That bites. I guess let bygones be bygones, I've moved on from Hydra anyway.

Hydra Agent: To the lovely life of Mercenary Work and Terrorism?

Ward: Pretty much.

Ward drinks his whiskey.

Hydra Agent: Come on Ward, you're the one who called us. We can't let Hydra fail like this. You need to serve your nation.

Ward: By working for an organization that is bent on destroying said nation.

Hydra Agent: Exactly.

Ward continues to drink, ignoring the man.

Hydra Agent: Pweese

The Hydra Agent Makes _Puppy Dog_ eyes.

Ward: Fine, I'll lead Hydra then. I'm done flying solo anyway, I missed having a team.

Ward bangs the Hydra Agent's head on his whiskey glass.

Other Hydra Agent: Uh, why did you do that? He wasn't arguing with you like in the actual show.

Ward: It was getting boring in here, what's your name?

Other Hydra Agent: Spencer.

Ward: Spencer, take me to the Headquarters, I'm going be the best leader Hydra's ever had, since Red Skull of course!

Spencer: As long as you promise to bring back Taco Tuesday.

 **Octopus Icon... Marvel's Agents of Hydra**

 _Present_

Bobbi: Okay, hold up. First of all, didn't _you_ proclaim yourself the leader of Hydra? Why in this "Flashback" was it just offered to you.

Skye: And by being leader of Hydra that means your name is technically Baron Ward. Or maybe Baron Wardo, that sounds better.

Ward: Both of you, shut up and let me finish do this Flashback in peace!

 _flashback_

Ward and Spencer go into the Hydra Headquarters.

Spencer: This is the headquarters. That's the front desk, these are the stairs.

Ward: I wonder who pays for the upkeep of this place. I mean, Hydra is technically defeated.

Spencer: It's all from our stockholders.

Ward: Who in the world has stocks in Hydra?

Spencer: I don't know, rich Nazis I assume.

Ward: Can you just take me to the head office please?

Spencer: Of course, sir.

The two get into an elevator.

Spencer: I thought you might need some help with leading Hydra, so I made a few phone calls.

Ward: Who did you call?

Spencer: Absolutely nobody's favorite character.

The elevator opens.

Ward: Sunil Bakshi

Bakshi: Hello Ward, I heard you're now running Hydra.

Spencer: I'll leave you two to your work.

Spencer goes into the elevator and heads downstairs.

Ward: So... Bakshi... How's life?

Bakshi: It's been good, I especially enjoy not being brainwashed!

Ward: Look, Bakshi, I'm sorry I beat you... and brainwashed you after all that, only to then want help from you. But it was all for my girlfriend, you did brainwash her after all.

Bakshi: I was under orders, it's called being loyal to the organization. If it wasn't for that loyalty to Hydra and the plot demanding it, I would never help you.

Ward: Bakshi, take a deep breathe and clear your mind, your compliance _will_ be rewarded.

Bakshi: Ah, I feel better already, are you seriously trying to brainwash me!?

Ward: I'm just here to run Hydra okay. You have some experience in this, so help me figure out what to do first.

Bakshi: Lucky for me, I'm not the only one helping you here.

Kara: That would be my misfortune.

Ex-S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent turned Hydra Agent Kara Palamas walks out of the elevator.

Ward: Kara? What are you doing here?

Kara: Save it Ward, I'm only here for Hydra.

Bakshi: It seems that the _I hate Ward_ club has volunteered to help put Hydra back together again.

Ward: There's an club dedicated hating me? And Kara is a part of it?

Kara: I founded it. After you shot me thinking I was May, idiot. Our slogan, _Don't_ Stand with Ward.

Ward: Okay, now that a club literally built on hating me is helping me run Hydra, where do I start from here?

Bakshi: Have a seat, despite our qualms against you, we will both still try to run Hydra as best as we possibly can.

Kara nods.

Ward sits at the desk.

Bakshi: Back when the Council was running Hydra we were working on a few things.

Ward: Okay, name some of them.

Bakshi: We were trying to expand into the entertainment industry, particularly the amusement park business.

Ward: Amusement Parks? We're a team built on world domination and we're spending our money on Amusement Parks!?

Bakshi: They thought it would generate more profit for our world domination plans.

Ward: Really, what were you going to call the park if you finished building it?

Bakshi... _Hydra World_.

Ward rubs his temples with his finger and thumb.

Ward: Anything else?

Kara: Another big project was these Four Tentacles for weapons. They attach to your spine and are coated with Vibranium.

Bakshi: In addition to Enhanced Strength from them.

Kara: Exactly, the wearer could be a... Doctor Octopus if you will.

Ward: That sounds idiotic, Octopus Tentacles as weapons. That would never catch on, in any universe.

Bakshi looks through his files.

Bakshi: Oh yes, we were also planning on building our own Nuclear bombs.

Ward: Finally, something useful. Let's look into that.

Bakshi: Unfortunately, none of our scientists know how to build Nuclear weapons so it was kind of a dead-end plan.

Ward: Of course it was.

Kara: But the Council still got a pat on the back or effort.

Bakshi: One more thing we were working on was improving Centipede, with a more advanced piece of technology.

Ward: Go on.

Bakshi: We realized right before Strucker's defeat from the Avengers that since we have the technology that created the original Centipede, plus the DNA of the Twins for their powers, if we mixed that together into one compact unit Hydra could make an army of super soldiers.

Ward: Sounds like we should be funding that. We'll take over in no time with a superpowered army, who's working on it?

Ward, Kara, and Bakshi enter the Lab.

Bakshi: One of our greatest Scientists, James Cook. He is especially skilled in engineering.

Ward: You had to make us walk all the way to the labs to tell me that?

Bakshi: Dr. Cook, can you explain to our new Hydra leader Grant Ward what you're working on?

Captain Cook: Sure thing, this here is called Spider.

Captain Cook shows Ward a piece of technology that looks like a Spider.

Captain Cook: I got it from the DNA of the twins and the technology of...

Ward: Yeah, yeah Kara and Bakshi told me this already.

Captain Cook: Anyway! I had the choice to make them with Quicksilver's super speed or Scarlet Witch's reality warping powers.

Ward: You could make an army of Reality Warpers!?

Captain Cook: I could, but putting that into Spider was a lot of work, so I did the super speed instead!

Ward: Of course you did. Rolls eyes

Kara: He's making a lot of progress with his research.

Captain Cook: Oh, yeah, sure. The only thing missing is Extremis, the energy that powered up Centipede, the only issue is our batch got depleted back when we were working on _that_.

Ward: So buy more. Simple.

Captain Cook: Oh, sorry I didn't check on Amazon. They probably have a bunch of Neckbeards trying to sell super rare chemical-compounds left and right. Buy some off the internet he says, you're probably one of those Neckbeards.

Kara: He got you good.

Ward: I'll just leave you to working.

Bakshi, Kara, and Ward walk away.

Ward: You still got plans for that Theme Park?

Bakshi: Always keep them in my pants pocket.

Bakshi pulls out a big blueprint out of his pocket.

Ward, Bakshi and Kara go back into the elevator to the Head Office.

Kara: Dr. Cook is the best of the best for what he does. Though he does also smell like Baby shampoo.

Bakshi: Doesn't he? It's so weird, and this guy (nudging Ward) doesn't notice it.

Ward: I don't know what "baby shampoo" smells like.

Ward, Kara and Bakshi go into the office to see all the lights off.

Ward tries to turn them on.

Ward: Bakshi, did our stockholders decide they don't want to pay the electric bill anymore? I can't turn these lights on.

Bakshi: No, according to my papers they still are.

Someone moves in the shadows.

Man in Shadows: That would be.

Ward, Kara, and Bakshi look at him.

Kara: Who are you?

Man in Shadows: Who I am is irrelevant, Agent 33.

Kara: I have a name you know!

Man in Shadows: I work for the organization of Advanced Idea Mechanics, better known as _A.I.M._

Ward: A.I.M.? You mean that science company ran by that crazy guy who pretended to be a Chinese Terrorist to cause the Government to support a bigger War of Terror to get billions for him and his company just because Tony Stark snubbed him at a science meeting in Bern?

Man in Shadows: Yes, that A.I.M., We see a lot of potential for the Spider project, and would like to buy it from Hydra.

Bakshi: It's not for sale. If you want to buy some Hydra clothing and merchandise however, it is in the lobby.

Man in Shadows: We will give Hydra one hundred million dollars plus twice as much in weapons. In addition to a good relationship with our great company.

Ward: Hydra doesn't take bribes, we won't need money once we perfect Spider.

Man in Shadows: Don't you understand fool? It's already perfected. I had a feeling you three were too stubborn to make a deal. I will be claiming Spider again, in due time. Hahaha

Man in Shadows tries to go out the door, but the hallway is illuminated.

Man in Shadows: Damn, everyone look away.

Bakshi, Ward and Kara all look away.

Man in Shadows quickly leaves and closes the door.

Kara: You think maybe we should've looked? I mean, we would've found out the identity of the guy who was just threatening us.

Bakshi: And sacrifice our integrity? I don't think so, we may be trying to take over the world. But I see a Hydra where we practice world domination, with honor.

 _Present_

Hunter: Why didn't you look at the security feeds? He obviously went through the hallway in front of all the recording devices.

Ward: We, didn't think of that.

Hunter: I'm kind of a dolt, but even I would know to do that.

Skye: He's got a point there Ward, doesn't say much about Hydra.

Ward: You gonna let me finish this, or keep interrupting me?

Bobbi: We're still just waiting to move on with the actual plotline.

Ward: This IS an actual plotline, now, back to remembering.

Bobbi: Groan!

 _Flashback_

Ward: What does he mean "It's already perfect"?

Kara: Maybe Dr. Cook is connected to A.I.M. somehow.

Ward: We should go ask him right now, I don't want this stuff going on in my Hydra.

Bakshi: "You're" Hydra.

Ward: Yeah, that's what I'm calling it now. Deal with it.

Kara: And he wonders why we're in the "I hate Ward" club.

Ward, Bakshi and Kara go down to the Lab... again.

Ward: Dr. Cook how is Spider going?

Captain Cook: Same as you asked five minutes ago, Einstein.

Ward: We heard from an Anonymous source that Spider is actually completed.

Captain Cook: I-I don't know what you're talking about! Let me work.

Kara: The "Anonymous Source" my boss is talking about is an Agent for the Advanced Idea Mechanics or _A.I.M._ , you wouldn't happen to be involved with them would you?

Captain Cook: Uh, uh... hail Hydra?

Ward: Why don't you come with us.

Ward, Captain Cook, Bakshi and Kara go into a room with a seal that says "Brainwashing Room" (with a piece of paper over that, which says "Play Pen")

Captain Cook: I love play pens.

Bakshi: Tie 'em up.

Captain Cook: This isn't a play pen, dang, our cover is blown everybody!

Suddenly a bunch of "Hydra" scientists stop doing their work and take out their weapons.

Ward: What's going on!?

Spencer breaks into the Brainwashing room and unties Captain Cook.

Spencer: A.I.M. is happening, we've had moles in Hydra for the last couple months. We gave you the chance to play nicely and sell Spider to us, but you decided against it. So we're taking it for ourselves.

Ward: Spencer, Dr. Cook, you were traitors this whole time? Wow, is this what S.H.I.E.L.D. felt like when Hydra was undercover in their ranks? We deserve this.

Kara: Preach it.

Captain Cook: I was serious about working for Hydra, but Spencer offered me tons of money to work on Spider with A.I.M., so I did. About a month ago we did just that and perfected it.

Spencer: You see, we have huge supplies of Extremis in our pollution, which powers Spider. We wanted to make a deal with Hydra and officially gain the rights to Spider, avoid lawsuits and whatnot, to work with you in our world dominations plans so to speak. But you three rejected it, so now we just have to take it _ourselves_.

Bakshi: Is every Science Company in the Marvel Universe trying to take over the world?

Spencer: Probably.

Kara: Where is the perfected Spider?

Captain Cook: We rented it to some guy named Peter Pott in LA, we need to get it out there and see it's effects on people.

Spencer: It's almost been a month, he should be giving it back soon.

Ward: You won't get away with this. Once you cut off one head, a a lot more grow back, or something.

Spencer (to Captain Cook): James Cook, you are now a Captain in A.I.M., you're next mission is to pose a Drug Dealer that sells pollution to keep the Spider Fuel flowing for us.

Captain Cook: Me, a Captain? Awesome, Captain Cook, that's got a nice ring to it.

Spencer: We've got an organization to run, see ya Hydra losers!

Spencer throws a smoke pellet and runs off with Captain Cook.

Ward: Hack, cough, was that really necessary?

Bakshi: We're not losers.

Kara: Nah, we just fail at everything.

 _Present_

Hunter: I didn't think this show could get so complicated.

Skye: A.I.M. is responsible for Spider this whole time? I guess you're not so bad after all Ward, maybe you're on your way to... redemption?

Ward: No, Skye. Hydra is still evil.

Skye: Oh biscuit buttons.

Bobbi: Why did A.I.M. try to buy Spider from Hydra, if they already had Captain Cook working for them, who perfected and sold it on their behalf?

Ward: They wanted to legitimately get the rights to it before they sold anymore of them, to avoid any legal action from us. We're both businesses after all.

Bobbi: You world-domination companies have very strange morals.

Ward: Don't we all?

Bobbi: Point taken.

Ward: But once A.I.M. revealed all their spies in Hydra, they stopped caring about getting the rights to it legally, as did we.

Hunter: That's awfully convenient for the plot.

 _Flashback_

Ward, Bakshi and Kara are cleaning up the Hydra building from the riot.

In the head office.

Ward: I can't believe I ran Hydra right into the ground the day I started leading.

Kara: Not surprising, you had no experience with running the company. I'm actually amazed we lasted as long as we did.

Ward: It was one day, how long did you think we would last?

Kara: I kind of had a feeling the second you would become the leader the building would just collapse. Not from an Earthquake or anything, just 'cause.

Ward: Are you done?

Bakshi: I didn't read this letter yet. It just came five minutes ago.

Bakshi reads the letter.

Bakshi: Looks like our Stockholders want to pull out!

Ward: Really, so Hydra's leadership being completely wiped out was fine with them. But if we have a couple spies in our ranks that's too much?

Bakshi: What we need to do is find Spider again, that's our key to success.

Ward: Didn't you pay attention to Spencer the Traitor? A.I.M. now has it, and all three of us are too lazy to sue them for stealing our invention.

Bakshi: Then we take it back, I've done some research and apparently S.H.I.E.L.D. knows Spider is trouble and are looking for it. Follow S.H.I.E.L.D., and it should lead right to Spider.

Ward: That's actually kind of smart. They're probably wondering around the city looking for it, I just need to find them and see if they get Spider, and snatch it for us. Get back our stockholders and put Hydra on it's feet again.

Bakshi: We have a plan now.

He smiles gleefully.

Kara: Ward, won't they recognize you?

Ward opens a wardrobe with a Trench coat and fedora in it.

Ward: I believe this should help.

Ward puts the Trench coat and Fedora on.

Bakshi (whispering to Kara): Where did Ward go?

 _Present_

Simmons: Captain Cook, a fellow scientist, who would've thought.

The group looks behind them to see Simmons standing behind them holding a knocked out Fitz on her shoulder.

Skye: Simmons, you're here.

Simmons: Yes Skye, me and Fitz have been held hostage by that psychopath Captain Cook.

Hunter: Speaking of that, why is Fitz sleeping?

Simmons: Don't ask.

Skye: What are you doing here then?

Simmons: I escaped Captain Cook and I tracked you guys to this alleyway thanks to the low-energy device Bobbi has, ironically it gives off a lot of high energy signals.

Ward (looking at himself): What do you know, my flashback was so long it looks like I've healed from my wounds.

Ward uses his Grappling hook and zips off.

Skye: Has he always had a grappling hook?

 **S.H.I.E.L.D. Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Peter slows down holding Mack.

Mack: What just happened back there?

Peter: Spencer was after us because the guy I borrowed Spider from wants it back.

Mack: I mean, why does Spider have full batteries now, from Trip's pollution?

Peter: It runs off of Extremis, a main energy-type in pollution from the A.I.M. building here in LA.

Mack: It runs off pollution, I can't tell if that's good for the environment or not.

Peter: I forgot how good it feels to be fast, I'm going to run to Paris just for the hell of it.

Mack: Ah, hell you are. We had a deal, hand it over to S.H.I.E.L.D. right now Peter!

Peter: No!

Mack: Give it to me.

Mack quickly takes Spider off of Peter and puts it on himself, zooming away.

Peter: Double crossed, by my own employee, and he even took the shirt and hat. That's Pott's Pet Emporium property you jerk!

 _All New, Next Tuesday_

 _The mission is complete._

 _Mack walks into the Globemaster holding Spider._

 _Coulson and May are dressed like Australian Aboriginals playing a didgeridoo._

 _Coulson: Mack... didn't expect you be back so early._

 _May: Come join us, Agent Mack._

 _But there is still more the Agents need to do._

 _Simmons: Captain Cook is still out there, working for A.I.M._

 _Skye: And Ward with Hydra, we need a plan to stop them._

 _Fitz: But we need supplies for any of that._

 _Bobbi: How about we go back to the Globemaster and explain our situation to Coulson, like we were going to do chapters ago!_

 _While a new threat emerges._

 _Spencer: Where did Spider go?_

 _Trip: Man, I don't know anymore than you do._

 _Spencer: You're coming with me._

 _Trip: Out of the frying pan into the fire. Wonderful._

 _Ward walks into the Hydra headquarters._

 _Bakshi: You don't have Spider do you? I guess I owe Kara two dollars._

 _All new Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. next tuesday..._


	6. Feast of Pros

Episode 6: Feast of Pros

The Agents are playing Cards on the Globemaster.

Mack: I'll go with, Pikachu.

Bobbi: This is Go Fish, Mack. Not Pokémon.

Simmons: Coulson, do you have any eights?

Coulson: Go fish.

Simmons picks up some more cards

Trip: Skye, do you have any Aces?

Skye: I hate this stupid game.

She throws all her cards in the air.

Skye: Back to trolling Reddit.

Hunter: Mack, do you have any Kings

Skye: Hunter, you have all four kings.

Hunter: Oh sorry, I mean ones.

Mack facepalms.

Hunter: Is that a yes or no?

Fitz: I fold.

Bobbi (to Fitz): Again, Go Fish, what's so hard to understand?

Suddenly all the Agents hear an ear piercing scream.

May walks in with the left side of her face and hand covered in cream.

May: Who did it?

Mack: Why do you want to know?

May: So I can slowly beat them without mercy, no one pranks me.

Skye: Now I definitely don't want to say anything.

May: So it was you?

Skye: No, but if it was. Now I definitely don't want to confess, the more you know.

Coulson: Huh?

Simmons: May, it's not a big deal. Just go to the bathroom and wash off, I'm sure it was just a harmless bit of fun.

May: Fine!

As May leaves, everyone looks at Fitz.

Fitz: What?

Bobbi: We all know it was you.

Fitz: Okay fine, I admit it. But May started it, if the sleeping quarters are fair game for pranks, I'm taking advantage.

May (screaming): WHY IS THE WATER NOT WORKING

Fitz: I also turned off the water in her bathroom. And the cream is too gooey to be wiped off normally. I spent weeks working on it in the lab, just for this prank.

Mack: Wow, Fitz, that's kind of bad. Like, really bad.

Skye: Totally, I never realized until now, but you're sort of a villain.

Fitz: You know what they say Skye, hell hath no fury like a Scottish Scientist scorned

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _Skye, Bobbi, Hunter, FitzSimmons_

 _Location: LA_

Skye: I can't believe Ward just got away, and is leading Hydra now. And A.I.M. is behind Spider, and Captain Cook was...

Simmons: We were all here Skye.

Bobbi: Maybe if we moved on with the plot and didn't listen to that dumb flashback he wouldn't have escaped.

Simmons: Oh, shut up about that already.

Skye: Anyone have any idea where the Hydra base is?

Hunter: Didn't Simmons go undercover in there base?

Skye: She did didn't she! Why have we never confronted them there, to the Hydra base!

At the Hydra Base, Ward walks into the lobby. The building is a mess, the lights aren't working, and almost everything is broken and (or) destroyed. Bakshi comes down the stairs, after he finishes kicks a rat off his leg.

Ward: What happened?

Bakshi: Well, it's a long story. But after you left to go after Spider A.I.M. began to cause us some trouble, in quite interesting ways. They broke into the building and beat down everything. After that, most of our shareholders pulled out their funding & stocks and put them into A.I.M instead, which is why the electricity went isn't working. Since all the food in here would go bad we had to preserve it with Kara's salt collection. And all that food left out in the open caused the rats. And I think that is everything, I also have been sleeping on your bed.

Ward: Ew, what the hell?

Bakshi: It's more comfortable than that cot you make us sleep on. Anyway, we really didn't think this whole adventure of yours would work out, I was prepared to start leading Hydra. But you're here again!

Kara comes downstairs.

Kara: Bakshi, you owe me 20 different foreign salts. And two bucks since Ward here managed to survive.

Bakshi: Oh right.

Bakshi takes out his wallet and pays her.

Ward: You bet two dollars on if I would survive this mission or not? I don't know rather to be insulted you bet on that, or that the money involved was so low. What can you even buy with two dollars?

Kara: I'm going to buy two small bags of chips. Obviously.

Ward: Let's get up to the office. Put me on the phone with our Shareholders, I'll fix this.

Kara: Our building is a mess, most of our employees were either spies for A.I.M. or left, they're not going to want anything to do with us.

Ward: Now that's not very positive Kara, I think the stockholders would be interested in what our organization still has to offer.

Kara: Which is?

Ward looks around.

Ward: Rats, lots of rats, in case they want to make stew with it, give there kids something to play with, we're there guys

Kara just stairs at him, speechless.

Bakshi (To Kara): I think he's lost it.

Meanwhile, Mack is running through LA.

Mack (Running): Wow, Spider is awesome. I'm as Fast as Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog, is Peter purposely putting Hedgehog thoughts in my head? This shirt and hat must really work.

Mack stops running when he is outside of the city. He flags down the Quinjet.

As he flies up to the Globemaster he walks right in.

Mack: Guess who's got two thumbs, and a Spider device that gives you super speed, this...

Mack walks into the main hall to see Coulson and May dressed in traditional Aboriginal clothes and each playing a didgeridoo.

Mack: ...guy. What the hell are you doing?

Coulson: Well we're...

May: We're doing what I want for a change, and I always wanted to do a traditional Aboriginal music festival. Isn't that right, Coulsie?

Coulson: I'm just trying to be nice.

Mack (To Coulson): She calls you Coulsie now? Phelinda shippers are going to _ship_ themselves over that.

Coulson: Mack, what's your problem? This is a _Prime Time_ network. Don't make those filthy jokes.

May: Not cool at all.

Mack: Sorry.

Coulson (To Mack): I'm surprised you out of all the Agents found Spider. I was expecting Skye to, since she does everything important on this show anyway.

May: Thank you Mack for finding Spider. You just earned _this._

May hands Mack a piece of paper.

Mack: _Feast of Pros Gourmet Restaurant_ , what is this?

May: Remember how we said the Agent who finds Spider first gets a free dinner on us? Well, you're officially invited to a meal at our great restaurant!

Coulson stands there for a second.

Coulson: May, can I talk to you in the other room.

Coulson and May escort themselves.

May: What do you want?

Coulson: May, I didn't think we were serious about that cooking thing. Neither of us know how to cook anything, how are _we_ going to make a whole dinner?

May: We'll figure it out. We're resourceful if anything, remember you said you wanted to do things with me? I want to do this, imagine how much respect the Agents will have if I, er, we nail this? I'll be S.H.I.E.L.D.'s very own Gordon Ramsay.

Couson: Fine, but can I be Graham Elliot?

May: Why would you want to be Graham of chefs?

Coulson: His kind demeanour and can-do attitude speaks to me!

May: Fine, you can be Graham. let's do this.

Coulson and May discuss what they will make, before walking out.

Coulson (To Mack): You're getting a free meal big guy.

Mack: Thanks Coulson!

Coulson: Please, call me Graham.

May: And me Gordon.

Mack: So, what are you making?

May: For an appetizer you'll get fresh baked bread & butter with a fine wine, and for the Main Corse a nice honey-roasted ham with baked potato.

Coulson: Finally for desert you'll have some of my special _Fist Print Cookies_ , all given to you by the Kitchen of Philinda Maulson.

May: Can just stick with Phil Coulson and Melinda May?

Coulson: Whatever, May.

Mack: This is the menu? It's just the book _Feast of Crows_ with the "crows" replaced with Pros. If the speciality here is Fist-print cookies, I've got to atleast try one of those. I'll come to your restaurant.

May: Great. We'll tell you when your table is ready.

 _Trip and Spencer_

 _Location: LA, Slum corner._

Trip: What the hell just happened?

Spencer: I was about you ask you the same question, where did Peter & Agent Mack take Spider?

Trip: Man, I don't know anymore than you do.

Spencer: Fine then, you're coming with me.

Trip: Out of the frying pan into the fire, lovely.

Spencer picks up Trip.

Trip: Where are we going?

Spencer: Somewhere, where you're wanted.

Trip: S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Spencer: I said, somewhere you're _wanted_.

Trip: That was needlessly mean.

 _Bobbi, Hunter, Skye, FitzSimmons_

 _Location: Downtown LA._

The Agents are walking through the street.

Skye: Yay, more walking, haven't done much of that in a while.

Simmons: We need to wake up Fitz.

Skye: Why? Not like he'll weigh us down. Seriously, he's a like three-quarters helium when it sleeps. It's weird.

Bobbi: I agree with Simmons, if we all need to walk through this entire town why should Fitz get to be carried.

Simmons puts Fitz down.

Hunter: I know how to wake him up.

Hunter goes up to Fitz.

Hunter (shaking Fitz): Get up buddy, it's time to find Ward.

Fitz is _still_ _asleep_

Hunter: I got nothing.

Skye: Maybe we just need to reverse-ice him.

Bobbi: What is that?

Skye: You know, the icer is what put him to sleep by slowing down his immune system, right? Because I'm not sure, I sleep through all of Fitz & Simmons' science lectures.

 _Flashback_

Simmons: The thing that makes gravitorium so strong is it's extreme density, nothing like it can be found on Earth.

Fitz: And with that intense pressure comes it's own manipulation of gravity in the vicinity, hence why it's called _Gravitonium._

Bobbi, Hunter and Mack stare at them, while on the lab table Skye is fast asleep with a blanket, pillow and teddy bear

Skye: Snore

 _Present_

Simmons (To Skye): You might have a point, if I drain the Icer effects out of his body, he'll surely return to a conscious state

Bobbi: How are you going to do that?

Simmons: We'll need to suck it out of him!

Skye: Like, with straws?

Simmons: Ew, no! With my suction device, I never leave home without it.

Simmons powers up the device and gets it working on Fitz.

 _Coulson, May and Mack_

 _Location: Feast of Pros Gourmet Restaurant - Waiting Room_

Mack is sitting.

Mack: What's taking so long? I've been waiting here for 45 minutes.

May comes out.

May: We're sorry for the wait Agent Mack, it is a very busy night

Mack: I'm your only costumer, we're on a spyplane over the Pacific Ocean, can I just sit down at the table please?

Coulson (Background): May, come to the kitchen, now!

May: I have to do see what Coulson wants, just wait here, your table should be ready soon.

May walks into the Kitchen to see Coulson nervously pacing.

Coulson: May, we have a problem.

May: What?

Coulson: I got really caught up in this Sudoku puzzle and overcooked the bread!

Coulson throws May the loaf of bread, which is now black and hard as a rock.

May: Ow, Coulson, how could you have been this oblivious?

Coulson: I kept putting letters in it to spell something, but nothing was making sense.

May: You don't spell things in Sudoku, those are crossword puzzles!

Coulson: I know, once I figured that out the bread was a goner.

May: Alright, well I still have Mack in the waiting room, but we need an appetizer.

Coulson goes through the fridge.

Couslon: What do we have? Oh, I've got an idea.

Coulson takes out a loaf of _Wonder Bread_ and a dozen Eggs.

May: You're making him eggs and toast?

Coulson: No, I'm making him _Egg Sandwiches._

Coulson cracks a raw egg on top of a piece of wonder bread, and covers the top with another one, making a sandwich.

May: We can't oven-bake this, it will take too long, and Mack is getting a little restless.

Coulson: Just put it in the microwave for 5 minutes, that should cook the eggs.

May: That's not how Egg Sandwiches are made. But whatever.

May gets them ready.

May (Slight British Accent): I can't believe you would mess this up. What were you thinking!? These "Egg Sandwiches" will never pass in our restaurant.

Coulson: What's with the accent?

May: I don't know, something just came over me there. Better serve these to Mack.

 _Ward, Bakshi and Kara_

 _Location: Hydra Base - Baron's office_

Kara: You're not going to talk our stockholders into giving us more money, they were very clear last time we talked

Ward: Nonsense, I've talked my way out of way worse situations than this, just sit back and let the leader do his job.

Kara: Name one thing you've talked yourself out of this entire series.

Ward: When S.H.I.E.L.D. Captured me, I talked Fitz out of lowing my oxygen... I mean, I talked Bobbi into apologizing to you... I mean, be quite.

Bakshi (To Ward): I have no idea why we follow you

Ward: I don't know either.

Ward starts using the rotary dial phone on his desk to call up one Hydra's Ex-Shareholders.

Shareholder: Hello, who am I speaking to you?

Ward: This is Grant Ward, leader of Hydra. I was informed by colleagues that you and many others pulled stocks out of Hydra. So, I wonder what can we do to motivate you to continue working with us?

Shareholder: It's easy, we want to make as much profit as possible, and Hydra sucks now. You guys have barely done anything note-worthy in months, other than let your invention plans be stolen by your competitor. A.I.M. on the other hand has been making scientific advances up the whoopihole, so I felt it was more appropriate and practical to support them. Clearly, I'm not alone in this idea.

Ward: Wait... did you just say " _whoopihole"_?

Shareholder: We're done here Ward, if you want to see me and the others returning our stocks to Hydra you need to improve the company, in a lot of ways.

Ward: How would we do that?

Shareholder: Take over a country or something, make a machine that steals candy from babies, I don't know. Just do something Evil and Hydra-like, but most of all profitable.

The Shareholder hangs up

Kara: Not good, huh?

Ward: Actually Kara, I know what we have to do.

Bakshi: What's that?

Ward: We're going to make Hydra evil again! Hahahaha

Lighting strikes behind him.

Kara (Looking out the window): There's not even a storm outside

 _Mack, May and Coulson._

 _Location: Feast of Pros Gourmet Restaurant_

May walks into the waiting room.

May: Alphonso Mackenzie, your table is ready.

Mack gets up and sits down.

Coulson: You like breakfast foods.

Mack: I guess so.

Coulson: For your appetizer, there were some technical difficulties in the Kitchen. So we made you Egg Sandwiches.

May takes out the Egg Sandwiches and puts them near Mack.

Mack: This looks disgusting. Are those raw eggs in that bread

Coulson: Not raw, microwaved.

Mack: Even better.

Mack takes a bite of a sandwich.

He spits it out.

Mack: Bleh! It's burning hot in the middle, but why does it feel lukewarm around the sides? I hate this confusing bread.

May: Your main course will be out soon. Now back to the waiting room.

Mack: Oh, come on.

Mack walks to the waiting room, muttering to himself.

Coulson and May walk back into the Kitchen.

Coulson: Mack didn't seem too pleased out there.

May: An appetizer is never the main part of a meal, it's okay if we mess it up a bit.

Coulson takes the Ham and throws it into the oven.

May (More British accent): Don't roughouse the ham? What do you think this is, a four star restaurant? Take that ham out right now and put it into like a professional!

Coulson: Again, why do you have an accent?

May: That's weird, almost like my Inner, Gordon Ramsay is coming out.

Coulson: Well, tell your "inner Gordon Ramsay" to cut it out, I don't like being yelled at when I'm learning.

 _Bobbi, Hunter, Skye and FitzSimmons_

Simmons, draining the "Icer" juice out of Fitz.

Skye: Why isn't he waking up?

Simmons: Give it some time, his body needs to reassemble it's self before he can wake.

Fitz (waking up): Ughh

Hunter: Leo, buddy, get up.

Fitz: AHHHHH, THE MONKEYS ARE ATTACKING US! Oh, hi Hunter.

Bobbi: What the hell was that?

Fitz (To Bobbi): Sorry, I was having a dream I ran a Monkey farm and there was a mutiny.

Skye: Listen Fitz, we have to find Ward.

Fitz: Ward? He's here, speaking of which this doesn't look like Captain Cook's slum.

Simmons: I broke us out, and apparently Ward & Hydra are also looking for Spider.

Skye: A.I.M. is also involved in this somehow.

Bobbi (To Fitz): Don't ask, it's a long story.

Skye: Seriously, you and Simmons go do science-y stuff, and find them.

Fitz: How are we supposed to do our "science-y" stuff without the comfort of our lab?

Simmons: Fitz is right, I've never done science outside the lab. It makes me nervous.

Hunter: Well, there's no lab here so suck it up, not literally though the ground is quite dirty.

Bobbi: Why don't we just go back to the Globemaster, there we can tell the Director about Ward, Hydra and A.I.M. while FitzSimmons can try to track them down, with a lab!

Skye: Bobbi, that's a great idea. Why didn't you say anything before this happened?

Bobbi: COULSON ASKED TO COME BACK TO THE GLOBEMASTER CHAPTERS AGO!

Skye: Oh yeah, he did, no need to get so angry about it.

 _Trip and Spencer_

 _Location: Alleyway outside Captain Cook's slum._

Trip: Oh man, why are you taking me back here?

Spencer (To Trip): I need to see Captain Cook.

The two enter the slum.

Captain Cook: Spencer, whaz up? And look who you brought back, how much did you sell?

Trip: Nothing, it's fuel for Spider, not even a real drug.

Captain Cook: Well, you have to understand why I lied.

Trip: No, I don't think I do.

Captain Cook: I lied because if you guys knew you were making fuel for Spider, you would've either refused or tried to take it.

Trip: I actually, never cooked any of it.

Captain Cook: Under the guise of selling a drug of the fuel, it gets it out into the world without you knowing what it's for. Makes sense, huh?

Trip: Still doesn't.

Captain Cook: Well, whatever that's how we did it.

Trip: So, I can go back to S.H.I.E.L.D. please? I am seriously considering going into office work after this entire fiasco .

Captain Cook: Can't let ya. You know our secrets, which means we have to keep you at our top secret A.I.M. building.

Spencer (To Captain Cook): Speaking of that, I need you to take me there. The boss said you knew where it was.

Captain Cook: 'course I do, hop into my ride and I'll take you two right in.

Spencer grabs Trip up.

Trip: Where exactly is the building?

Captain Cook: You'll know soon enough where.

Trip: The Pronoun game, I guess that means you're the villain.

Captain Cook: You bet I am!

Spencer takes Trip with Captain Cook to the A.I.M. mobile.

Captain Cook: Off we go.

 _Feast of Pros Gourmet Restaurant - Kitchen_

Coulson: I've got the Ham in the oven.

May: Don't play Sudoku this time.

Coulson: I won't, but we do have another issue.

May: What's that?

Coulson: We promised Mack a fine wine with his meal. Well, it turns out we can't bring wine on the Globemaster. Something about air pressure or something and going really fast.

May: What are we going to do, Mack wants his wine. Look at him.

Mack looks at his drink.

Mack: Root beer again?

Mack throws it against the wall and sits down pouting.

Coulson looks throw the fridge.

Coulson: Yes, it's in here, we're saved.

May: What are you talking about?

Coulson: When we first started doing missions in here Fitz used to drink a lot of grape juice, he thought it made him smarter. Apparently Simmons told him to stop drinking it since it made him gasey. I think one of his old bottles is still in the fridge, it's got to be like two years old or something. _That_ can be our wine.

May: You can't just pour old Grape Juice and pass it off as Wine. That's not how the drink is made, use your head Coulson! Sorry, calming down.

Coulson pours the chunks of grape juice into a wine glass.

May walks out to the table.

Mack: Is that ice cream?

May: No, it's your wine. Now drink up.

Mack: Wine? Oh, whatever.

Mack drinks the Grape Juice.

Mack: Oh wow, that, is terrible. It's barely a drink, it's got the texture of wow that buzz hit me fast. Another!

May smells something burning in the kitchen.

May: Hold on one second.

May walks into the kitchen to see Coulson pacing again.

May: What happened this time?

Coulson: I thought Mack hated the wine, so I tried to turn up the heat to make the Honey Roasted Ham cook faster. Looks like it burned.

May (Stronger British accent): You fool, that's not how baking in an oven works! You put it in, set and the time and wait! Why would you even do such an ridiculous action, Mack enjoyed his wine, and I was going to get him more! But now we're going to be even longer because of your incompetence!

Coulson: You're accenting May, and it's freaking me out.

 _Trip and Spencer_

 _Location: A.I.M. Building_

Captain Cooks parks the mobile in front of the building.

Captain Cook: End of the line, fellas

Spencer walks Trip into it, handcuffed.

Trip: So this is the A.I.M. Building, I expected this place to be a little more, intimidating. Grey carpets with yellow rectangles on them, gross.

Spencer: Be quite, he needs to decide what to do with you.

Trip: Oh, more pronouns. Awesome.

Spencer takes Trip into a dark room. A man is sitting down.

Man in shadows: Antoine Triplett, it's good to see you finally captured by A.I.M.

Spencer (Bowing): Sir, I await your command for what I shall do to him.

Man in shadows: I know, you don't need to tell me.

Trip: What are you gonna do to me, don't make me work for Captain Cook again.

Man in shadows (Laughing): I like you, you're an outsider, like I was. Give him the prison.

Spencer takes Trip up.

Spencer: Let's go.

He takes Trip to his cell.

Spencer (yelling into cell): I've got you some company.

Trip: Someone else is gonna be in there?

Spencer throws Trip in the cell. As he looks up he sees _Peter Pott_ sitting in there, the original holder of Spider.

Peter: Hey bunk buddy

 _May, Mack and Coulson_

 _Location: Feast of Pros Gourmet Restaurant - Table_

Coulson: What are we going to do, Mack is expecting his dinner.

May: Just get honey all over this, it should mask the flavor.

Coulson pours honey all over the Ham and hands it to May.

May runs out.

May: Here is your main course Agent Mack.

Mack: Oh, this looks kinda dark.

May (Nervously laughing): What are you racist or something? Eat up!

May cuts some meat off and puts it into Mack's mouth.

Mack: Strong honey in that.

Mack keeps eating it.

Mack: This tastes like a fireplace. What on earth are you people feeding me? I'm outta here, this whole dinner has just been awful.

May: I can't believe this! For one night I just wanted to make a good dinner, feel like a... a Masterchef.

Coulson walks out with a covered trey.

Coulson: You don't have to abandon that dream just yet, May.

May: What are you talking about?

Coulson takes the white covering off the trey to show a batch of Fist-Print cookies with blueberry filling. Perfectly made.

Coulson: My legendary Fist Print cookies, made with all-natural blueberries. I had been working on them for hours, all to culinary perfection

May: Coulson, thank you, these look amazing.

Mack (banging the table): I want me some Fist-Print cookies.

Coulson: Dig in.

May hands him a spoon.

Before Mack takes one bite of it, all the Fist Print cookies blow up, covering Coulson, Mack, and May.

May:...

Mack:...

Coulson:... the air pressure must have made them all explode. Guess it wasn't too smart to bake so high in the air, eh?

May (British Accent): You... slaghaggling, plonker licking, hobknocking buffoon! I wanted one thing, to make a good dinner for Agent Mack, and you have managed to mess up every little thing! Making bread, you screwed it up, serving wine, you screwed it up, baking a damn ham, and you even managed to screw that up! I am livid with you Phil Coulson for ruining my reputation as a chef in S.H.I.E.L.D., but not only that the name Feast of Pros and the book that name is based off of! Just get out, you're done here, get out of my kitchen now!

May slams against the table.

 _At the same time, Hunter, Bobbi, Skye and FitzSimmons get on the ship._

Hunter: Uh, did an angry British Ghost just possess May?

 **S.H.I.E.L.D. Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Ward is looking at a list in his office.

He sees a bunch of names on there and smiles. Ward uses the intercom.

Ward: Bakshi, Kara come in my office.

Kara & Bakshi come into the office.

Kara: What do you want?

Ward: Send a message out.

Bakshi takes out his notepad what.

Kara: What "message"?

Ward gets up and looks out the window, than dramatically looks at the camera over his shoulder.

Ward: Auditions start now.

 _Next Time on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D._

 _Trip is taken by the enemy_

 _Peter: Your name's Todd, right?_

 _Trip: Nope._

 _And the Agents need to find a way getting comfortable in S.H.I.E.L.D. again_

 _Fitz: Let's get our lab working again._

 _Simmons: I need to check my emails._

 _Simmons opens her Computer._

 _Simmons: Why is Club Penguin on my computer? Has Coulson been using this?_

 _Skye: Has anyone seen Trip?_

 _Hunter: Who?_

 _And Hydra is once again, being Hydra._

 _Ward: Auditions start now._

 _Some kid is on stage doing the robot dance_

 _Ward and Kara give a zero, and Bakshi gives a ten._

 _Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. All New next time_


	7. Try it Out

**The following contains possible spoilers for the most recent episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and other Marvel Cinematic Universe films, it might also contain some (slightly) offensive jokes, though is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I am not related to the Cast, Crew or anyone involved with Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC, or Marvel Entertainment. With that said, viewer discretion is advised.**

Episode 7: Try it Out

A Real Estate Agent goes into a " _For Sale"_ house.

Real Estate Agent: This is the Grand Hallway.

Hunter and Bobbi follow her in.

Hunter: I can't believe me and Bobbi have to be a couple again for this top secret mission.

Bobbi: Can you scream that a little louder Hunter? I don't think all of the neighbors heard you. (Whispering) You know the mission, we disguise as husband and wife while investigating this house S.H.I.E.L.D. thinks Hydra is hiding secrets in.

Real Estate Agent: Now coming upstairs to your right there is a stash of Hydra Secr... uh, the child's bedroom.

Hunter tries to open the door. The Real Estate Agent stops him.

Real Estate Agent: You can't see in there, it's not finished yet.

Hunter: Oh, right that's bad luck.

Bobbi: That's for seeing the bride before a wedding

Hunter: Does this place have a big yard? We're expecting children. _Looks at Bobbi_ Twins more likely.

Real Estate Agent (To Hunter): You can do some construction in the yard to expand the playarea for children.

Bobbi (To Hunter): What are you doing, we're not having children, we're not even a real couple. And did you just call me fat?

Hunter: I'm trying to add character, you've been acting like a robot this entire time.

Bobbi: What did you just say to me? I'm more realistic than you've ever been on these missions.

Hunter: Oh please, when it comes to spying missions I am the top pick, watch and learn.

Hunter puts on his cowboy hat.

Hunter (Southern Accent): 'scue me ma'am. You know where any Hydra secrets are?

Real Estate Agent: What are you talking about? And why are you putting on a southern accent all the sudden?

Hunter takes off the hat.

Hunter: Oh yeah, we were already undercover.

Bobbi facepalms.

Real Estate Agent: Undercover? You're working for S.H.I.E.L.D.!

The Real Estate Agent takes out a gun before _coulson_ jumps threw the window, knocking her out with the back of his gun _._

Coulson: Nice going you guys, you blew the whole mission.

Bobbi (To Coulson): You could've just jumped in here this whole time and knocked her out? Why did we have to do any of this undercover stuff?

Coulson: Bobbi, are you questioning my leadership?

Bobbi: No, I'm just asking why we had to pretend to be a couple, when clearly you could've just jumped in here and gotten the plans.

Coulson: You _are_ questioning me! You're not getting an apple pie.

Bobbi: Not like you were going to take us to McDonalds anyway.

Later, at McDonalds.

The whole gang (except Bobbi) are eating apple pies, while Hunter is eating two of them.

Hunter (eating): He did.

Bobbi: I hate you.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Skye: I can't believe A.I.M is behind Spider.

Fitz: Or that Ward and Hydra are involved in this.

Simmons: We need our lab in order to track any of them down.

Bobbi: Someone suggests going back to the Globemaster in 3, 2, 1...

Skye: I have an idea!

Bobbi: Groan

Ward goes into the Hydra building.

Ward: What happened, looks like a tornado went through this place.

Bakshi: A.I.M. destroyed stuff and our shareholders stopped funding us.

Kara: Someone needs to get them back!

Ward: I'll talk to them.

Ward gets off the phone with one of the shareholders.

Ward: Guess we need to start some auditions.

Bakshi: Try outs start now.

May: I want us to do stuff that I like for a change.

Coulson: What do you mean, May?

Mack walks on to the Globemaster with Spider.

May puts on a chef hat.

May: Making a dinner for Agent Mack!

Coulson: This should end well.

Coulson and May make three gross meals for Mack.

Mack: Those were crap!

Coulson: I have another trick up my apron.

Coulson comes out with a trey of Fist-Print Cookies.

They all explode.

May (British Accent): Get the hell out of my kitchen!

Trip gets thrown in a cell.

Trip looks up seeing Peter Pott.

Peter: Don't, I know you?

And now...

 _Peter and Trip_

 _Location: A.I.M. Facility_

Peter: I _do_ know you! You're Mack's friend, Todd right?

Trip: Nope.

Peter: Uh, well, how about Tom?

Trip: Not that.

Peter:... I think I've got it this time, Marion.

Trip: Not even close.

 _Globemaster Lounge_

Skye, Bobbi, Mack and Hunter are all sitting at the table.

Mack: I found Spider. You know it makes people run fast?

Bobbi: Like, a reverse centipede? Instead of strength, it's speed? That's lazy.

Skye: I can't shake this feeling like we're missing someone.

Mack: I agree, but what? Oh yeah, Trip isn't here.

Hunter: Who?

Skye: Guys, we can't just leave Trip looking for Spider, we need to go find him.

Coulson comes out of a shadow.

Coulson (To Skye): And that's exactly what we need to do, Skye.

Bobbi: Ah! Coulson, where the hell did you come from?

Coulson: In the corner of the room, I'd been standing there for three hours straight waiting for one of you to bring up Agent Trip. Totally worth it.

Skye: Where is he?

Coulson: My sources believe he's been kidnapped, by who though is unknown. We assume Hydra.

Hunter: A.I.M. might have done it too, those buggers do seem to be causing a lot of trouble lately.

Coulson: How do you know about A.I.M.? That name is classified. Only level 8 Agents can know about them.

Skye: I'm Level 8, can I know?

Coulson: No Skye, you're level 7 and a half, major difference. You get to decide what color we paint the new interrogation room.

Skye: Oh, I was thinking a hot pink.

Mack (To Coulson): Since we all know about them anyway, we don't we just go after them? No need to waste time on levels and whatnot. What if they have Trip, and _not_ Hydra?

Coulson: That's a good point Agent Mack, we'll just need to split up. Lucky for us, FitzSimmons managed to find out the general area of an A.I.M. base from Spider, before they even got in there lab.

Bobbi: So much for needing to come back here. _Rolls Eyes_

Coulson: Bobbi & Hunter you two will be investigating A.I.M. Skye, myself and May will go undercover in Hydra.

Hunter: Why can't me and Bobbi go undercover again?

Hunter takes out his cowboy hat.

Hunter: This guy still has a little action left in him, I think.

Coulson: No way Hunter, I'm not trusting you guys with another spy mission again. Don't you remember last time?

Hunter: Oh, right. We did kind of blow that, didn't we?

Coulson: Yeah.

Bobbi: Come on, that pre-show skit doesn't count!

Skye: Why are you complaining? You get to go investigate crap, we have to go _undercover_ in Hydra, with Ward.

Hunter: Is that bad thing? I thought you still loved Ward?

Skye: I do, but sometimes I don't. I think I'm in the " _don't like Ward_ " stage right now.

Coulson: You guys have an hour to prepare.

Mack (To Coulson): What about me? I want to do spy stuff.

Coulson: Right, you Mack can help FitzSimmons with their research, there's still more they need to do with the Spider technology, head to their lab for details on it, and how you can be useful.

 _FitzSimmons._

 _Location: Their lab... technically it's S.H.I.E.L.D.'s lab, but don't tell them!_

Simmons plops down on a stool next to her desk.

Simmons: Ah, back to work again.

Simmons pushes all the science equipment off her desk, and starts playing Club Penguin on her computer.

Fitz: It's so weird to be working in a real lab again. I feel like Doctor Who!

Simmons: Doctor Who doesn't work in a science lab, Fitz. Haven't you seen the show?

Fitz: Doctor Who is the show with that cranky Doctor who has a cain, right?

Simmons: No, that's _House._

Fitz: Really? What's Doctor Who then?

Simmons: It's about an alien who travels through time and space, doing missions.

Fitz: And I thought _that_ was Glee.

Simmons: I have a lot of work to do Fitz, so I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

Mack walks in.

Fitz: Can we help you?

Mack: Apparently I'm here to help you two actually, Coulson said I'm going to work with you guys when they're doing their missions.

Simmons: Excellent, we've needed an assistant for a long time.

Mack: I'm not going to be your assistant, I'm just here to help a little bit, we also need you to look at Spider.

Mack puts Spider on the desk.

Simmons: You found Spider?

Mack: Yeah, I did. No one told you?

Fitz: We kind of keep to ourselves.

Mack: But... it was big news around S.H.I.E.L.D.

Fitz: We _really_ like our privacy.

Simmons: Why do I need five thousand coins to buy an igloo? Fitz is lying, we've just played games since we got here.

Mack: Not too surprising.

Mack looks around to see Simmons yelling at her computer, while Fitz plays with a yo yo.

Simmons: We should work on Spider, it is our job after all!

Fitz: Just some more play time Jemma, please?

Fitz swings the yo yo and hits the ceiling. Mack catches it.

Mack: Stop goofing around buddy, time for some real work.

Fitz and Simmons go to the table.

Simmons: Let's take a look at Spider.

Fitz: Since the three of us here together, and I kind don't want to do work right now, I have an idea.

Mack: This should be good.

Simmons: What is it Fitz?

Fitz: Instead of _just_ studying up on Spider, and since the Director is going to be doing other things, we should have a sleepover.

Simmons: Brilliant idea, when was the last time we had this entire ship to ourselves? We can stay up late, gossip, it's going to be a blast.

Fitz and Simmons giggle.

Mack: Yeah, except I'm not a 12 year old girl. I don't want to do any of that, you need to spend your time studying Spider.

Fitz: It makes you go fast, we already know about Spider.

Simmons: Besides, we'll get to it. Why not let loose a little and have fun?

Fitz: Exactly Simmons, we were working out butts off in Captain Cook's weird lab, I need a break from science. Let my wild animal side out!

Simmons: Preach Leo.

Mack: Whatevs, I don't got anything else to do on here.

 _Ward, Bakshi and Kara_

 _Location: Hydra Headquarters... the only evil organization that has it's headquarters in the middle of an urban metropolis._

Ward: Try outs are starting today. Which means we're going to get a lot of new staff here. People are going to come in through the Theatre, and try out to join Hydra, and three of us are the judges to see who can join. Any questions?

Bakshi raises his hand.

Ward: Bakshi, what?

Bakshi: Have we always had a theatre in the Hydra headquarters?

Ward: Yeah, we have. Anything else?

Bakshi raises his hand again.

Ward: Yes again, Bakshi?

Bakshi: It just seems strange an evil group bent on world domination would have a Theatre built into their base. What would it ever be used for?

Ward: Bakshi, it's there. And we're using it for auditions so we can re-stock our staff here, any other questions

Bakshi raises his hand yet again.

Ward:... that are _not_ about the theatre?

Bakshi puts his hand down.

Ward: Good, now let's go.

Ward, Kara and Bakshi walk down to the Theatre. All sitting in their respective judge chairs.

Kara: My chair feels weird.

Ward: Check it out if it's bothering you.

Kara gets up and looks at her Cushion.

Kara: There's an old piece of gum on a seat, ew, It's all over my pants.

Ward: Oh right, staff used this room for parties. Watch where you sit, this place is probably a mess.

Kara: Why didn't anyone clean it before?

Ward: We got no staff, remember, that's why we're doing this.

Kara sits back down and the first person comes onto the stage.

Audition Guy: Hello, my name is Klaus, and I would like to audition for the role of Hydra employee.

Bakshi: What can you do that's evil?

Klaus: I can make scary faces!

Klaus sticks his tongue out, and waves his arms around.

Klaus: Evil enough for you?

The judges get their judge cards out.

Ward gives a three.

Kara gives a five.

And Bakshi gives a two.

Ward: We're done here. Next!

The next Audition comes on, a girl in pigtails.

Audition Girl: Hi, my name is thindy.

Ward: Aww, a lisp, cute.

Kara smacks him.

Kara: Cute? You're the Baron of Hydra for goodness sakes. Show a little cruelty.

Ward: Oh, I mean (Deeper voice) show me your use!

Audition Girl: I'm going to thing the thong from high thcool muthical.

Bakshi: This isn't actually for singi...

Audition Girl: We're all in thith together...

Ward: Okay, this isn't cute anymore. GET OFF THE STAGE! This isn't a singing competition! We want evil employees for Hydra, if you can't do anything evil, get out.

Audition Girl leaves.

Bakshi: Ward, That was just wrong, she's a little girl.

Ward: I can never win with you two, can I?

Kara: Hashtag, don't stand with Ward!

 _May & Coulson_

 _Location: May's Cabin... one of the only three places Coulson has even spoken to her._

Coulson walks into her Cabin.

Coulson: May, you should start getting ready for our next mission together.

May: Go away, Coulson!

May throws her pillow.

Coulson: I'm sorry I was a... well.

May: Total dimwitted buffoon incapable of preforming the simplest of culinary tasks?

Coulson: I was going to say, well that.

Coulson sits on her bed.

May: You know it took me three hours to stop speaking like a 40 year old Englishman?

Coulson: I know, I was totally off with that dinner. But remember May you convinced me to do it.

May: I wanted to do my things for a change, but apparently that can't happen, atleast not with you.

Coulson: Well, how about we do this mission and maybe that can get you out of this funk.

May: Fine, let me just... who says "funk" anymore?

Coulson: You know, hip people, like me.

May: I'll do it, but no more cooking, we should go back to basic missions.

Meanwhile, Bobbi and Hunter are getting prepared for _their_ mission.

Hunter gets on his gear.

Hunter: You think I should take the bulletproof underwear? Or the bulletproof gloves?

Bobbi: Go for the underwear, no telling what A.I.M. has in store for us. If you know what I mean.

Hunter: I do, I've seen 21 Jump Street. You keep the gloves.

Bobbi takes the gloves.

Bobbi: Thanks, now I can catch bullets.

Skye (To Bobbi): What are you guys going to do exactly?

Bobbi: We need to track down the only two known associates of A.I.M., James Cook and Spencer.

Hunter: And I'm hoping if we find them, Spencer actually has a last name. Imagine going through your life just being known as "Spencer", confused with all the people who have that name? Sounds quite bad, doesn't it?

Skye: Uh, okay. Well I have to go undercover, in Hydra. Yay!

Hunter: You're going like that, I don't think that's a very good cover.

Skye: No, I didn't get in disguise yet Hunter. Gosh, you're being dumber than usual, what's up?

Hunter: Sorry, I get nervous when we have to go on these missions.

Bobbi: You should've seen him the day the Inhumans attacked the boat, made Patrick the Star look like Einstein.

Skye: Wow.

Coulson walks in.

Coulson: Skye, I just talked to May, she's on board. Let's get into the Quinjet soon.

Skye: You got it boss.

Coulson (To Bobbi & Hunter): You two need to skydive out.

Bobbi: What? Why can't we use a Quinjet like you guys?

Coulson: We have two missions and one Quinjet Agent Morse, do the math.

Bobbi: Fine, just let me get my parachute.

Coulson: Actually, we only have one parachute, good luck.

Coulson throws it on the ground and walks off.

Bobbi: One parachute? It's a spyplane, why do we only have one parachute?

Skye: I think FitzSimmons are doing some experiment with the other ones.

 _In FitzSimmons' lab._

Fitz finishes building a fort with all the Parachutes.

Fitz: Finally, come on Simmons. Now we have to play Truth or Dare.

Simmons: Finally, let's go. I need to ask you guys about a shipping pair called Skimmons, why do so many people ship me with Skye?

Mack: Shouldn't we get working on Spider now? All you two have done is giggle over nothing, and now you want to play Truth or Dare after thirty minutes, they haven't even left yet!

Fitz: You can play with us. Isn't there anything you've ever wanted to ask us or action you want us to preform, now your chance.

Simmons: We'll give you a fair turn, even if you are, well, an assistant.

Mack imagines that.

 _Daydream_

Fitz and Simmons skydive off of the Globemaster after Bobbi and Hunter.

Simmons and Fitz open their parachute.

Simmons: Atleast we did our dare.

 _Reality_

Mack: Okay, I'll do it.

Coulson, May and Skye get ready.

Skye: We need disguise, right now.

May: They're going to apply them on the Quinjet.

Coulson goes to Bobbi and Hunter:

Coulson: You ready?

Bobbi: Ready to jump out of a plane while tied up to my ex-husband, sure.

Hunter: I'm all for doing it.

Coulson: Excellent.

Coulson opens the plane door.

Coulson: GO NOW!

Bobbi and Hunter jump out, Coulson closes it.

May: That was quite unpleasant.

 _Trip and Peter_

 _Location: A.I.M. Facility_

Peter: What's your story, new blood?

Trip: Don't get fresh with me, Peter. You've been in here, how long?

Peter: Three hours.

Trip: Figures, let's just sit here, in silence.

Peter: Okay.

Peter starts tapping his hands on the ground.

Peter: I wonder how the Pet Shop is doing? Did the Canaries get out? Did nobody clean up on craptime?

Trip: I said stop talking to me.

Peter: I'm talking to myself. I'm lonely in here. Just wish I had my Spider again, my precious.

Peter makes a Gollum face.

Trip (To Peter): That's perfectly normal & sane.

Peter: Why Mack, why did you take Spider?

Trip: Wait, Mack has Spider, nice!

Peter: Yes, why is everyone shocked by that? He's had it for chapters.

Trip: I've been locked locked away in my plotlines for so long, I can't even remember what my mission was. We were supposed _play with Spider_ or something.

Peter: That's sad, you seem like a nice guy.

Trip: Nice doesn't cut it with S.H.I.E.L.D., ever since that whole debacle with the Obelisk back in season 2, no one treats like I'm an actual member of the team.

Peter: Well, you did die.

Trip: Ahem right in front of you.

Peter: Oh, sorry.

Trip: Whatever, I'm not the type of guy to feel bad for myself.

Peter: ...we have to get out of here.

Trip: How, they have guards everywhere?

Peter: Then we take them out, I know this place Trip.

Trip: Oh so, _now_ he gets my name right?

Peter: I had to go in here and make a deal with that creep in the shadows, that's how I got Spider, well that and Captain Cook had to tell me about it.

Trip: I might be able to slip out of my cuffs if I rub them hard enough against that iron door, something about the sweat on my hands makes it comes right off.

Peter: Sweet! I'll do it too.

Trip: Don't be copying me fool, find your own way to get those off.

Peter: Really? You're doing this now?

Trip: Fine, but I get to copy something _you_ do when we get out.

Peter: Deal, lemme do it first!

 _Hydra Base_

Ward: Okay, next.

A kid comes on the stage with a radio.

Kara: What's your na...

He turns on the radio and starts doing the robot dance to the song.

Ward gives a one.

Kara gives a one.

Bakshi gives a ten.

They both look at Bakshi.

Ward: Next! Where the hell do all these kids keep coming from?

A man in a unitard and a hola hoop gets on stage.

Man: Hello, my name is Ben, and I will be auditioning, with the song Friday by Rebecca Black. Done with gymnastics involved...

Kara: For the last time, this is not singing competition!

The Man gets off the stage.

Bakshi: Twenty-Five auditions, not one new employee out of any of them.

Ward: You guys think we should just close this up? Everyone is either under the age of eight, physically and/or mentally, or thinks we're doing a musical.

Bakshi: Maybe, we should.

Kara: I thought this idea sucked from the beginning.

Coulson, Skye and May walk are standing outside.

Coulson: How do you guys like your new disguises?

Skye (Blonde Wig, blue contacts): I'm Jordana Smits, an accountant from Canada?

May (Short blue wig, green contacts): I'm Lola Landry, a hipster rocker from Texas?

Coulson: Get into character, we're going in soon.

Skye: Coulson, who are you supposed to be exactly?

Coulson (dressed in a beanie, sunglasses, dreadlock wig and a rainbow blanket over him): I'm a Caribbean stoner and folk-dancer named Khenan Karlton. (Accent) Now let's go inside and rock the judges a new one, eh fam.

Skye: That's _so_ racist, I'm not even touching that.

Coulson: I haven't washed it in weeks, so you definitely shouldn't. Why is it racist though?

May: Be realistic, you're a fifty something year old white guy dressed in a rainbow blanket, a beanie and sunglasses, doing a Caribbean accent. That doesn't strike you as slightly offensive?

Coulson: No.

May: I'm not arguing with you, let's just go in.

The three of them walk into the Theatre.

Ward: And who are you three?

Coulson: He's doesn't recognize us, awesome. (Accent) Yo, man, I'm Khenan Karlton, Caribbean folk dancer man.

Skye: I'm, Jordana Smits, a like, banker or something from Vancouver.

May: I'm the hipster, name's Lola, I think.

Ward (To Kara & Bakshi): Am I the only one who thinks these guys are acting weird?

Kara: Yes.

Bakshi: He says "man" twice in the same sentence, must really know what he's talking about!

Ward: What can you do that's evil, or Hydra-esque?

Skye: We can, do scary things.

Coulson: Like scare people, you know what I'm saying fam?

May: Definitely bro, you three just watch and learn.

Coulson, May and Skye start making scary faces at each other, pretending to be scared of them.

Ward: I don't know you guys, the Caribbean one is a little on the racist side.

Bakshi: We can't kick someone out of Hydra for being racist, we were originally part of the Nazi Party after all.

Kara: Besides, who else here has been even villainous at all?

Ward: Both good points, we might have to take, I feel a strange kinship with them as well. Weird, huh?

Bakshi (To S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents): We think you're right for Hydra.

May: Really, not that I care.

Skye: Oh golly gee, that's fantastic.

Coulson: That's a wonder fam, thanks a bunch.

Ward: Three new employees, something feels odd about them, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Kara: Meh, I don't notice it.

 **S.H.I.E.L.D. Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Bobbi and Hunter are Skydiving out of the plane.

Hunter: BOBBI!

Bobbi: WHAT HUNTER?

Hunter: I'M PRETTY SURE I LEFT THE FRIDGE OPEN BACK ON THE PLANE!

Bobbi: GREAT!

Hunter: I TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF A SANDWICH BUT I REALIZED MACK HAD USED UP ALL THE SALAMI AND THEN DECIDED I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO IT. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY JUST TAKING IT ALL FOR HIMSELF, OTHER PEOPLE WANT SALAMI YOU JERK! WOW, MY THROAT REALLY HURTS FROM THIS SCREAMING.

Bobbi and Hunter expand their parachute, but land into a mud puddle, which breaks their fall.

Bobbi: Gross, is this mud? Atleast it broke our fall.

Hunter checks his pockets.

Hunter: Good my Apple Pies didn't get dirty.

Bobbi: You brought Apple Pies?

Hunter: Yeah, two of them actually, from McDonalds I'm pretty hungry and didn't eat my sandwich. Decided it would be nicer for both of us to bring two though.

Bobbi: Hunter, thank you.

Before Bobbi can grab one Hunter puts both of them in his mouth.

Bobbi looks at him.

Hunter: What?

 _All New, Next Tuesday_

 _Ward: I don't know who you are, or what you want, but I know you have no place in Hydra. I have a very specific skill set, that I will use to find out who you and your buddies are!_

 _Coulson (Accent): Good luck fam._

 _The Agents are looking for one of their own._

 _Bobbi and Hunter are walking through the forest._

 _Hunter: Where exactly did we Skydive from?_

 _Bobbi: I don't know, I assumed somewhere near an A.I.M. headquarters._

 _They see an abandoned cabin._

 _Hunter: Gulp._

 _While others are looking for some fun_

 _Fitz, Mack and Simmons are playing Scattergories._

 _Simmons: Letter is F and category is a type of exercise._

 _Mack: I'm not gonna say it._

 _Trip and Peter are wondering through the halls of the A.I.M. Facility_

 _Trip: Who's coming up to us?_

 _Man in shadows: That would be me._

 _Before he can be revealed..._

 _Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D._


	8. Spies, Lies, and Party Guys

**The following contains possible spoilers for the most recent episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and other Marvel Cinematic Universe films, it might also contain some (slightly) offensive jokes, though is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I am not related to the Cast, Crew or anyone involved with Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC, or Marvel Entertainment. With that said, viewer discretion is advised.**

Episode 8: Spies, Lies, and Party Guys.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Coulson: Bad news guys, Trip has been captured. By who though is unknown, I think Hydra is behind this, somehow.

Mack: or maybe it's A.I.M.

Coulson: Good point. Bobbi and Hunter, you go after A.I.M., Skye and May you're with me.

May: We're playing dress up, aren't we?

Coulson (Dressed as a Caribbean Stoner): Way ahead of ya, man.

Trip and Peter are in the A.I.M. Facility.

Peter: I still can't remember your name. Was it like Trout or Tuba?

Trip: Not this again!

Peter: Anyway, we should try to get out of here. I have a business that needs running, and crap that needs cleaning.

Trip: Great idea.

Ward, Kara and Bakshi are holding auditions for new members of Hydra.

Ward: A dozen kids and a few clowns later.

Coulson (Disguised as a Caribbean Stoner), May (Disguised as a rockstar hipster), and Skye (disguised as a Canadian accountant) go into the Hydra building.

Skye: I'm Jordana.

May: I'm Lola.

Coulson: And I'm Khenan, fam.

Kara: I like them, they seem like Hydra material.

Ward: Personally, I feel a kinship from all of them.

FitzSimmons are studying in their lab and Agent Mack walks in.

Mack: Coulson said to help you guys out, what's going on here?

Fitz: Slumber party time! (To Mack) Come join us!

Simmons: We'll play some really fun games.

Mack: Better than being a lab assistant.

Hunter and Bobbi land from the Globemaster in the middle of a forest.

Bobbi: Now, to find A.I.M.

Hunter: I have a feeling, they're around here somewhere.

Bobbi: Duh.

And now...

In the middle of a forest late in the night.

 _Bobbi and Hunter are walking._

Hunter: Can I tell you something Bobs?

Bobbi: Knock yourself out, Hunter.

Hunter: I'm hungry.

Bobbi: Why didn't you eat on the plane?

Hunter: I don't know, I wanted a sandwich, but Mack ate all the Salami.

Bobbi: Pretty sure you just told me that. Go in the bag and gets some bars if you're hungry.

Hunter looks to his side, seeing no bag there.

Hunter: You might laugh about this.

Bobbi: Will I? Have I ever?

Hunter: It looks like, I well, left the bag of supplies on the plane.

Bobbi: WHAT!? Hunter, that had all the stuff we needed for this mission. Not just our food, but weapons and trackers, we don't have anything now!

Hunter: Can't we just get back on the Globemaster and get them?

Bobbi: How, we don't have our phones!

Hunter: Well, this is indeed a predicament. Let's go buy some more phones.

Bobbi: We're in the middle of a forest in Idaho, we need to find shelter, it's late and it's going to be freezing soon.

Hunter: People still need to buy phones in Idaho!

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

Ward walks out of the bathroom.

Ward (Humming): Baby... baby, baby, ohhh. Like, baby, baby, baby, ohhh!

Ward looks to see Skye sitting behind him.

Ward: Jordana! To what do I owe thy?

Skye: Owe thy? You're not Thor, listen so before I go joining Hydra and all, I need to look at any prisoners you might have. Just to know who I'm gonna need to bag and tag out in the field.

Ward: Sure, they're in the basement. I'll walk you there.

Ward walks Skye downstairs.

All the cells are empty.

Ward: Oh yeah, we don't have any prisoners, do we? I guess A.I.M. took them all.

Skye: So Trip isn't here.

Ward: Don't think so. I haven't seen old Trippy in awhile. Wait, how do you know who he is?

Skye: Uhhh... lucky guess.

Ward:... Whatever, I need you and the new recruits to help with something, Jordana.

Skye: Anything, Mr. Ward, sir. Who I definitely don't know and am not in a in-love not in-love relationship with.

Ward: Hydra as you may know is bent on world domination. So I thought it was about time we actually did some world dominating.

Skye: Makes sense.

Ward: But, we have to start small. First, we take over the city. Which you where you three come in.

Skye: Yep, me Jordana Smits... and, what are there names? Oh yeah, Lola and Khenan!

Ward: I need you three to try and get some votes for my campaign.

Skye: Your campaign?

Ward: Yes, you see my family has always been very involved in politics. My brother being a senator and my parents currently working as the Bush family's housekeepers, I thought what better way to get Hydra back into power than gaining some political power.

Bakshi jumps out of the Wastebin.

Bakshi: Which me and Kara think is an extremely idiotic idea!

Ward: What the hell Bakshi!

Ward turns around and Bakshi jumps back in.

Skye: Was Bakshi hiding out in there this whole time?

Ward: Yeah, we're a odd bunch.

Skye: Okay... what do you want us to do?

Ward puts his arm around Skye.

Ward: You see Jordana, I need to secure the votes and ensure I win.

Skye: Why us, I don't want to do a mission inside a mission.

Ward: It's just trying to get votes for m... wait, another mission?

Skye: I'm gonna go now.

 _FitzSimmons and Mack_

 _Location: Globemaster - Not May and Coulson on here for once._

Fitz is swinging his arms around making a "face fish".

Simmons: Aren't we having so much fun playing charades?

Mack: I guess, but what the hell is Fitz trying to be? Is it a bird? A salmon? A turtle?

Simmons: Time!

Fitz: I was an amoeba Mack. Haven't you ever studied the microcellular origins of the human race?

Mack: When is it gonna be my turn?

Simmons: After you successfully guess one. Now, you be the judge.

Mack: This is so boring, can we play something else?

Fitz: Sure, why not? We can play twenty-questions chemistry edition.

Simmons: Great idea, I'll start.

Fitz (To Simmons): Are you radioactive?

Mack: Yes.

Simmons (to Fitz): No.

Fitz: Are you a compound made with sodium?

Simmons: No.

Fitz: Mack, help me out here.

MacK:... can we go back to playing charades?

 _Trip and Peter_

 _Location: A.I.M. Facility... make sure to stop by the Gift Shop and get the limited edition M.O.D.O.K. Plushy._

Trip opens the door, and looks both ways.

Trip: Coast is clear, let's move out.

Peter and Trip leave the cell.

Trip: Do you know the way out of here?

Peter: Hell no, I've been in prison for hours now, I'm a changed man.

Trip: Knock off that crap, we have to get out of here before the guards notice we left.

Peter: Look a Janitor's closet! Maybe we can put on some spare outfits and gets out of here.

Trip: Good thinking.

Trip and Peter go into the closet.

Trip: A.I.M. must not care much about keeping a clean workplace. This water is black, and the mop is just a bunch of paper tied to a broom without a shaft. This place is weird.

Peter: They have two outfits in here. Let's go Janitor Tom.

Trip: I'm not even going to respond to that.

 _Bobbi and Hunter_

 _Location: Forest... the trees look really nice this time of year._

Hunter and Bobbi are sitting down by a tree, Bobbi is rubbing sticks together.

Hunter: I know what we can eat for dinner...

Bobbi: Really?

Hunter: Yes, if you like Pinecones.

Bobbi: It's hopeless. These are just plastic sticks I pack for gags anyway. I can't believe I am going to freeze out here in the forest, with you.

Hunter: I'm awesome. You're lucky to be here with me.

Bobbi: Sure I am. Your name is hunter, can't you find _some_ way to get edible food?

Hunter: I've never hunted in my life. Besides, there's no meat in this forest. Only a bunch of animals, weird huh?

Bobbi: Yeah, whatever.

Hunter: I don't want to die out here either. My DVR on the Plane is going to be full after a week. I tape Dr. Phil everyday, not to mention all the crap the other Agents have on there.

Bobbi: Why on earth does a 30 something year old British Man watch Dr. Phil?

Hunter: His name is dope, Phil isn't his last name. It's not proper to call yourself a doctor and not go by your first name, silly goose.

Bobbi: That doesn't really answer my question.

Hunter: Sorry. Am I the only person who in the world who's never eaten Frozen Yogurt?

Bobbi: I don't think so, Hunter. We should rest up, probably have a better chance of finding civilization after we replenish our energy.

Hunter: Got it Bobs.

Hunter rolls over and heads to bed, so does Bobbi.

Bobbi: Hunter?

Hunter: Yes, Bobbi?

Bobbi: How long have we been in this forest?

Hunter: About thirty minutes.

 _The Hydra Base... the home of all things Hydra._

Skye walks into the Break Room.

Skye: You guys won't believe what I found out!

May: That Penguin publishing isn't really published _by_ Penguins? That really messed me up too Skye.

Skye: Uh, no. Trip isn't being held here, they don't have any prisoners.

Coulson (Accent): No way, fam. That's just a boon if I've ever heard one, I'm gonna go catch some fast ones of my board, outback.

Skye: Coulson, no one's here you don't have to keep doing that ridiculous accent.

Coulson: Sorry, once I start I can't really turn it off. They really have no prisoners?

Skye: No, according to Ward. A.I.M. Must've taken them all out.

Coulson: I hope Agents Morse and Hunter can find the A.I.M. base. Anything else we should know?

Skye: Ward wants us to campaign for him, he's running for Mayor.

May: What, he can't do that. He doesn't have any political experience.

Skye: He's doing it, and he wants us to help rally the votes. What a mess.

May: Should we do it?

Skye: It would be working for Hydra.

Coulson: I knew this was a bad idea, why did you guys talk me into this?

May: You talked us into this, take some responsibility. Anyway, I have a plan on what we can do.

Skye: What is it?

May: We try and campaign for the other guy Ward is running against, how can he be worse than the leader of Hydra?

Coulson: May, that's genius. But, being your superior I'll be talking credit for it when we get back to headquarters.

May: Wow, just wow.

Bakshi walks in.

Bakshi: Are you three ready, the Hydra Mobile is all warmed up.

Coulson (Accent): To the Hydra mobile Fams.

 _Hydra Icon Batman-esque transition._

Ward pats the car.

Ward: This thing sure is a beauty. I remember when we first got it.

 _Flashback_

A man is driving a van, Ward jumps in the street and stops him.

The man quickly gets out of the van.

Man: What the hell, bro?

Ward: Sorry, that van just looks amazing. Can I buy it from you?

Man: How much we talking here?

Ward: Let's see, I've got ten bucks in my pockets, and a jolly rancher. I will give you the Jolly Rancher.

Man: Go to hell.

Ward: Need more, fine I'll rip this dollar and you can have the smaller half too.

Man: Get lost ya chump, before I run you over.

Ward: I didn't want to do this, but you're leaving me little choice.

Ward drives off with the car.

Man: Thanks! (To Kara) I'm so glad he volunteered you to be my personal maid for a week.

Kara: The van is pretty awesome though. But I'm still mad at you for this, Ward! And I will especially hold it against you if we try and lead Hydra together!

 _Present_

Ward: Let's get going.

Coulson, May and Skye get into the van.

Ward is driving.

May: Hydra needs a new base.

Ward: Why do you say that?

Skye: Uh, it's kind of just a dumpy office building in the middle of a Metropolis, not very cool, or villainous.

Ward: Noted. Anything else?

Coulson: When are we gonna be there, lad?

Ward: We'll be at the Local Community Centre in around twelve minutes, once you're there try and advocate for the campaign in any way you can, I'm counting on you all.

Skye: We'll do good Ward, don't you worry.

Coulson (Whispering): Do you have all the posters for our mission?

Skye (To Coulson): You bet.

Coulson: Who is he going against?

Skye: Wouldn't you know, I forgot to research that.

Coulson: You've got to be kidding me.

Skye: Nope, none of my posters mention the opponent, only Ward.

May: I guess that will do. Well, Politician dude, you're going to get a lot of support soon.

 _FitzSimmons and Mack_

Fitz is telling a scary story with a flash light under his eyes.

Fitz:.. and then while he was asked the answer in front of the entire University Science Committee, he got accidentally thought AU was silver!

Simmons: Ah, ah! I'm going to have nightmares for weeks. You're so good at this Fitz!

Mack: What the hell is "AU"?

Simmons: Mack, you should go now.

Fitz: Yeah Mack, I want to hear some stories from your view.

Mack: Okay, hand me that.

Fitz hands him the Flashlight.

Mack: Once there was a man who lived alone, he never saw anyone, all he knew anymore were the bunch of creepy woods outside of his house. One night when he was eating dinner he heard a strange noise, as he went out to see what it was, he was captured by an unknown creature. Nobody knew where he was, but sometimes in the forest people can still hear his cries, the cries of the captured man!

Fitz: Mack, I'm telling you this as your friend. That was quite lame.

Simmons: It really was.

Mack: Come on, it was better than the crap you guys were saying.

Simmons: Not really. Our stories relied on the horror from everyday practical events that would be horrible for someone in our line of work. You did something that any five year old with a knowledge of storytelling would say.

Mack: Fine, keep telling your stories. Last time I try to entertain you geeks.

Simmons: My turn now!

Fitz: We're not geeks, would "geeks" have an awesome slumber party when they're supposed to be studying Spider?

Simmons: Touch me!

Fitz and Simmons awkwardly fist bump.

Mack: Wait, who's driving the Globemaster?

Fitz: Oh, it's on Autopilot.

Simmons: Now, for my _creepy_ story. It all started at a Spelling Bee...

Mack: Groan.

 _Trip & Peter_

Trip and Peter start cleaning the floor in their new uniforms.

Trip (Whispering): Okay, we keep cleaning until the the guards leave, then we bolt out that door.

Peter: Understood.

Peter and Trip start moping, and whistling in unison.

Guards keep coming through

Peter: This isn't working, we can't find a way to get passed all these freakin' guards.

Trip: Then we need new disguises.

Peter sees a door with a door with a seal that says _Changing_ _Room_.

Peter: There, maybe we can find some new guard uniforms and just slip by them. They won't notice a thing.

Trip: Good idea, let's go.

Trip and Peter go into the _Changing Room._

Trip: It's empty good, let's go put on some Guard uniforms.

Peter and Trip get them on.

Trip: How do I look?

Peter: Wow, I have to say. You are rocking that thing.

Trip: Oh, stop it.

Peter: Seriously, you could be in magazines.

Trip: Really, wow, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me Peter, thank you.

Peter: I mean it, you're kind of awesome.

Trip: I'm gonna try on some other outfits, you tell me how I look.

Peter: Deal.

Peter turns on the radio that just happened to be there.

They start playing _Girls just Want to Have Fun,_ whilst Trip tries on outfits.

Trip: Ah, so much fun.

Peter: You were amazing.

Trip: Let's go see if there are any other outfits.

As Trip tries to walk out, he sees three guards speechless with that whole thing.

Trip: Uh, it was his idea.

Both Trip and Peter get thrown into the hallway.

In front of the them is the Man in Shadows standing above them, not in the shadows. The camera pans over his face, though

Trip: You've got to be kidding me, it's been you this entire time?

Peter: Though that does answer a lot actually.

Trip: Yeah.

Man in Shadows: Silence, both of you. You escaped from my prison, I see. Guards, how were they found?

Guard: I can't even...

Man in Shadows: I see, well, I wasn't lying when I said I admired you Antoine Triplett. So, I will give you a chance to make it up to me.

Trip: How?

Man in Shadows: Give me the location of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s team, the one that sent you to steal my precious Spider.

Trip: Oh, that's easy, it's the Globemaster.

Man in Shadows: The flying plane base, ah yes. You have been very helpful to me.

Trip: Hey, don't mention it, those dirtbags were crap to me. I hope you screw them over.

Man in Shadows: Hahaha, anyway, take them to... the lab.

The guards start taking them to the lab.

Peter: No, not the lab!

Trip: What's the lab?

Peter: Gulp, you don't want to know Trip.

 _Bobbi & Hunter _

Bobbi is walking around.

Bobbi: There needs to be some water around here, come help me look Hunter.

Hunter: There's water in the air, they're called clouds.

Bobbi: Come on, Hunter, we need to survive out here. Atleast until the other Agents come looking for us.

Hunter: Fine, let's look for some _liquid_ water.

They both walk off into the woods.

Hunter: These woods sure are creepy now.

Bobbi: Nice observation, Sherlock. Got anything else useful to say?

Hunter: Yeah, there's a cabin.

Bobbi looks to see a Cabin in the middle of the forest.

Bobbi: Good, let's go ask them for directions.

Hunter knocks on the door.

Hunter: Hello, anyone in there? We're two Agents looking for direction to a top secret base, can you help?

A man opens in the door in his PJs.

Cabin Owner: What do you kids want?

Hunter: Hello, we're looking for an A.I.M. Base around here, you think you can help us?

Cabin Owner: I don't know no "A.I.M. base" around here, why are you wondering around these woods?

Bobbi: It's a long story, but we were trying to find something else and seem to be lost. I can explain it all over a few steaks, maybe some chicken too, and water.

Cabin Owner: Fine, come on in.

Hunter: Thanks!

Bobbi walks in, Hunter follows.

The Cabin is full of weird rocks, and very little of anything else.

Bobbi: This is a little creepy.

Hunter: Why? Maybe he makes stuff with these rocks? And sells it to the animals, I don't know.

Bobbi: Oh Hunter, sometimes you have it so easy, being a dolt and all.

Hunter: Aw, thanks Bobbi.

Cabin Owner: You can stay the night, but I would like to hear your story in the morning. Do you two want any tea?

Hunter: And we just got some beds and food the night, I rock!

Bobbi: Whatever, (To Cabin Owner) no thanks. Just a whole chicken would be great

 _Skye, Coulson, May and Ward_

Ward:... you guys remember your objective?

Skye: You betcha Baron Wardo.

Ward: Only Skye called me that.

Skye: I mean, Baro Wardon? Because that's what I, Jordana Smits says.

Skye (Whispering to Coulson): Crisis averted.

Ward: This is where I drop you guys off, good luck in there. I expect a sharp increase for me in the polls by tomorrow.

Coulson (Accent): We gotcha buddy. See ya later boy guy.

Ward drives off.

May: So, where are the posters, let's see 'em.

Skye takes out the posters.

Skye: Are these cool or what?

Coulson looks at one.

Coulson: Skye, this is just a picture of Ward with boobs and long hair drawn on it.

Skye: Yeah, he's a boy. And I'm making him look like a girl, so yeah.

Coulson: I don't think that will work too well.

May: Another one just says "THIS GUY SUCKS" on a blue piece of paper.

Skye: Well, if you could do so good make your own.

Coulson: Fine, we'll hang them. But this one that just has Ward with a photoshopped Justin Bieber CD in his hand might need to go.

May (To Coulson): Who says it's photoshopped?

Coulson: Really? Wow, I never took Ward as a Belieber. A Fanilow maybe, but wow.

May: Oh yeah, you didn't think I just had dirt on you, did you?

Coulson: I didn't think about it, honest.

Skye: I guess we don't need these posters anymore, May, what else do you know about Ward?

May: Well.

Meanwhile, on the Globemaster.

Simmons: ...and then he had spelled " _coagulate"_ wrong!

Fitz: AHHHH!

Mack: That's it, I'm done with this. You guys can tell all the stupid scary stories you want, I'm out!

Simmons: Mack what happened? I thought we were having fun.

Mack: No, you two were having fun. I have never been so bored at a so-called party in my life.

Fitz: You didn't even like pin the brain on the Peacock head?

Mack: Yes Fitz, I especially hated that one.

Simmons: What do you want us to do then?

Mack: How about study Spider, like you were supposed to.

Fitz: I guess we can.

Simmons: Right, anything to get our mind off those horror stories.

Mack: You want a real horror story, let me tell you about the time I walked in on Coulson taking a bath.

Fitz and Simmons get their science equipment out

Mack: It was after a really intense mission and I had just eaten five tacos, so naturally...

Someone comes on the Lounge TV.

FitzSimmons and Mack go in there.

Man in Shadows (voice changed and face hidden): Hello, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., allow me to introduce myself. I am the acting Director of the _Advanced Idea Mechanics,_ due to the help of your once Agent, Antoine Triplett our technology has discovered the location of your Globemaster, bypassing any cloaking devices you may have activated.

Simmons: Who is that guy?

Fitz (To Simmons): We aren't supposed to know yet, something about building suspense.

Simmons: That's kind of dumb, just show us who he is!

Man in Shadows: We have also taken the liberty to hack into the database of the S.H.I.E.L.D. network and are now controlling your Autopilot, we will now send you off of your previous course circling around the United States to a base of our own control. Don't try to turn off Autopilot, we control the ship now, the technology in the cockpit is fully unoperational. Good luck Agents, hahahaha.

Mack: Trip sold us out, that little

Before Mack can finish his sentence the plane makes a loud noise, changing directions.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Skye, May and Coulson go into the building. And are talking to people.

Skye: Ward's favorite movie is Cars 2, don't vote for him.

Coulson: Ward thinks that fish just water dogs, don't vote for him.

May: Ward sucks in bed, don't vote for him.

Coulson: This is going great, everyone is trying to vote for the other guy. Hydra ain't getting ahead of us.

Skye: Speaking of which, who is Ward _running against_?

May: Let's go check, maybe it's like Captain America or something.

Coulson, May and Skye go to the opponent's poster.

Coulson: Who is that?

Skye: I think I recognize him? That's James Cook!

The camera shows the poster which says James "Captain" Cook for Mayor!

May: That little

Before May can finish her sentence the audience cheers.

 _All New, Next Time_

 _The Agents thought they'd seen in it all._

 _A scientist gets his equipment ready._

 _But nothing will prepare them for what's to come._

 _Trip: What are you guys going to do to me._

 _Scientist: Just a few... tests._

 _Peter: I told this place is bad news._

 _Trip: Yeah, I kind of got that._

 _Cabin Owner: You see, I'm looking for a real particular stone in these parts. You guys help me, I might tell you where the base is located._

 _Hunter: Should we do it, Bobbi?_

 _Bobbi:... yeah._

 _Ward: What's going on, I'm doing terribly now. And how are Coulson, May and Skye at the Centre and not Khenan, Lola and Jordana. What a weird turn of events for me._

 _The man in Shadows look over the A.I.M. Facility, sitting in a leather chair._

 _Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., all new coming._


	9. Test Dummies

**The following contains possible spoilers for the most recent episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and other Marvel Cinematic Universe films, it might also contain some (slightly) offensive jokes, though is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I am not related to the Cast, Crew or anyone involved with Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC, or Marvel Entertainment. With that said, viewer discretion is advised.**

Episode 9: Test Dummies.

Fitz and Simmons walk into Italiano's restaurant.

Simmons: Wow, Fitz. I'm so excited we are going on a date tonight.

Fitz: I knew Italiano's would be the perfect place. You're paying right?

Simmons: Of course I am.

Fitz: I'm so happy to finally stick it to all those nay sayers.

Fitz walks up to random couple

Fitz (To Random Couple): Me and Simmons are going on a date.

Both Fitz and Simmons then have a seat.

Fitz: I wonder if they have Italian-Tacos here.

Simmons: Or even Italian salsa. How unorthodox!

Hunter, the waiter, comes over with a fake mustache on.

Hunter: Hello, everybody. My name is Lance Hunter, and I'll be the waiter tonight.

Fitz: That's strange... waiter's don't usually say their full name.

Simmons: Fitz, it's Hunter. What are you doing here, as a waiter no less?

Hunter takes off his mustache.

Hunter: I bought out the place with S.H.I.E.L.D.'s money and made myself the waiter, just to make sure you two have the perfect night.

Fitz: Who's serving the other tables?

Hunter: I'm... not sure.

Costumer: Hey, where's my breadsticks?

Hunter: Order quickly. Maybe, pasta with meatballs?

Simmons: I'll have the Salad.

Fitz: And for me the Pizza.

Hunter: Okay, well those both sound good, but I think I'll just give you both pasta with meatballs.

Hunter walks away.

Fitz: So, Simmons, how have you been?

Simmons: You know, same old same old, doing typical Simmons-y stuff.

Fitz: That's good. I finally beat Mass Effect 3 today, amazing ending.

Simmons: Good for you. I just realized today that I might've left my Retainer on the Kree Planet. So much for having model teeth _sigh_

Fitz: That bites. Oh, look what I did there. Haha.

Hunter comes out with the Pasta and Meatballs.

Hunter: Here is your food, all prepared by the Iron Man Chef himself, Philip Coulson.

Coulson bows to them in the background.

Fitz: This pasta & meatballs are oven burnt.

Simmons: Yes, how does someone do that to pasta?

May (Background): Don't even get me started.

Hunter: Sorry about that lovebirds. Have some warm, non-alcoholic beer that I found under Mack's bed to make it to you.

Simmons: Can you please leave, we wanted to have time to take a break from you guys, not take part in _another_ cooking skit.

Hunter: I'm sorry, we'll return the restaurant after tonight. Enjoy your meals and drinks however.

Fitz and Simmons start trying to eat their dinner.

Simmons: You want to hear something weird? I found my Retainer in this pasta.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Couslon: We think Trip might've been captured by Hydra.

Skye: Costume time!

Coulson (To Bobbi): That means you and Hunter need to go investigate A.I.M.

Bobbi: Can we get some details on where the A.I.M. base is?

Coulson pushes Bobbi and Hunter out the plane and throws a parachute.

Coulson: No.

Skye is talking with Ward.

Ward: Three new Agents, I need your help with my newest campaign to run for mayor.

Skye is now talking with May & Coulson in the lounge.

Skye: We can't make Ward mayor!

May: We don't we use this as an opportunity to screw up his campaign!

Coulson: Damn, that's good. Pretend I said that.

Skye, May and Coulson are slandering Ward's campaign.

May: I wonder who Ward's running against.

They all see an opposing poster of Captain Cook running for Mayor too.

Hunter and Bobbi are wondering around the woods.

Bobbi: Where is the base!

Hunter: I don't know. Look over there, a cabin.

A man lets them into the Cabin.

Cabin Owner: I'll let you stay here for the night, if you help me find a certain rock.

Bobbi: Color me surprised, I have yet another another mission with Hunter. Great!

Trip and Peter are in the A.I.M. Prison cell.

Trip: We got to get out of here.

Peter and Trip escape their cell.

Peter: We're in a dressing room? Dress up party!

Trip: Hell yeah.

A.I.M. soldiers catch them and take them to Man in Shadows.

Trip: Really, it's you?

Man in Shadows: Tell me the team's location.

Trip: It's the Globemaster.

Man in Shadows: Oh, that was easy. Take them to the lab, now!

FitzSimmons and Mack are at a slumber party.

Fitz: Time to play Cards against Humanity... physics edition!

Simmons: Oh goody.

Mack: How does _that_ even work!?

The Man in Shadows hack the Globemaster.

Man in Shadows: I have now hacked the Globemaster thanks to information given to me by Antoine Triplett. Now, I will go into it's Autopilot and redirect the plane to a lair of my own controlling.

Simmons: Oh boy.

And now...

 _FitzSimmons and Mack_

 _Location: Globemaster, heading to unknown destination... you know that's actually the name of a Hotel in Greece_

Fitz: This is terrible, this is just the worst, do you know what this is Agent Mack?

Mack (Annoyed): Let me guess, "terrible"?

Fitz: No, it's very inconvenient. Gosh Mack, if you're not going to be serious here. Let me and Simmons do all the talking.

Mack: You asked me.

Simmons (To Fitz): I know it truly is. Being captured by A.I.M. our ship hacked by that Man in the shadows, we're as finished as a defeated Mortal Kombat character!

Mack: Just settle down, the both of you. We'll get out of this.

Simmons: How?

Mack: We need to re-gain control of the ship.

Simmons: Yes, but did you hear what he said on the TV? They hacked into our computer database, we can't get them out!

Fitz: Yeah, if it's not in our lab we have no knowledge of how to use technology.

Simmons nods in agreement.

Mack: Alright, I guess I'll have to get us out of this mess. First, I need to re-gain control of the Plane's central computer system. Anyone here know how to hack through any firewalls A.I.M. has put up?

Fitz and Simmons say nothing.

Mack: Okay, anyone here know what a "firewall" is?

Fitz: A wall of fire?

Simmons and Fitz clap hands.

Mack: Guess you two "geniuses" will be no help, no worries I'll be a hero once I do this. _Cracks knuckles_ wish me luck!

Simmons: Don't forget this!

Simmons gives Mack a fire extinguisher.

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _Trip & Peter_

 _Location: A.I.M. Facility Lab... Ah! That experiment just got out of it's cage!_

Trip and Peter are both in giant guinea pig cages.

Peter: Look at me, I'm a bowling ball.

Peter knocks his cage into a bunch of test tubes. He only knocks some of them over.

Trip: Ow, a split. I hate those.

A scientist walks in.

Scientist: Really, you two are my test subjects? A.I.M. must _really_ be lowering their standards.

Trip: Hey, I'm an awesome test subject. You take that back.

Scientist: Fine, I guess I'll test on you first

Peter (To Trip, whispering): You've got to learn to control your big mouth, dude.

Scientist: I'm so glad we're finally moving forward with the experiments, shall we begin?

All: No.

Scientist: Rhetorical question... imbeciles.

The Scientist takes out a Giant Needle.

Trip and Peter: AHHHH!

The Scientist uses it on himself.

Scientist: Now that I gave myself a seasonly flu shot we can begin. Can't be too careful now a days.

The Scientist takes out a gun.

Trip: Oh my god, please don't!

The Scientist uses it on the door hinges, it's a nail gun.

Scientist: That squeaking door has been driving me crazy. Now, what was I going to do?

The Scientist takes of a giant sword.

Peter: That looks really freaking sharp.

The scientist cuts a bagel in half.

He takes a bite of it.

Scientist: Sorry, didn't have a big breakfast this morning.

Trip: Who uses a giant sword to cut a bagel, that had to have been on purpose.

Peter: Whew

The scientist takes out a flashlight.

Trip: Let me guess, you need to find your glasses or something?

Scientist: Nope, I have 'em here.

The Scientist shines the flashlight on Peter & Trip, it is very bright.

Trip: Ah, what the hell?

Peter: That was the item I _least_ expected him to use on us. Waaaa

Scientist: Well, it looks like your eyesight is in good standing. That's a check for sure. Now, let us truly begin the testing process.

 _Bobbi & Hunter _

_Location: The Cabin... not a single piece of technology in this house, this is going to be a looong week!_

Bobbi is sleeping in her bed, nice & relaxed.

Hunter goes up to her and starts blowing as hard as he can into a trumpet.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Bobbi: Ahhhhhh! Hunter, what the hell was that for!?

Hunter (Panting): Wow, that really takes the wind out of you. Breakfast is ready. I'm so happy the one I item I remembered to bring was my very own Trumpet.

Bobbi: Groan.

Bobbi and Hunter go into the kitchen.

Cabin Owner: Finally, you're awake. I made some Pancakes for you, hope you like Pumpkin.

Hunter: Do you have any syrup for these pancakes?

Cabin Owner: No, but I do have some Cranberry Tart sauce.

He pours it all over Hunter's Pancakes.

Bobbi: So, last night you told us we need to find a rock for you? You have any more information on it, Mr...

Cabin Owner: Oh please, call me Greggie. And yes, the item is actually not really a rock, more like a Crystal.

Hunter: It sure looks like you enjoy those things. This place is more creepy rock collection, more than creepy secluded cabin, which is just weird.

Greggie: I do, now that I answered your questions, I would like for you two to answer mine.

Bobbi: Our questions were kind of just asked to find out how we can further help you, but fine, ask away.

Greggie: What are two young kids doing out here in this " _top secret base_ " anyhow?

Bobbi: We're both in our thirties first of all, and second of all it's classifie...

Hunter: We're Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and we're trying infiltrate an evil organization called A.I.M. that plans to take over the world. S.H.I.E.L.D. by the way is a top secret spy agency dedicated to protecting the world from aliens, terrorist groups, and Mutants. But nobody can know about those things, or us for that matter so that is why we need to keep this all a big secret.

Bobbi (To Hunter): Why do we tell you anything?

Greggie: That's... _rubs eyes_ all very interesting. But you should get going and find my crystal, and I don't know nothing about any of this "spy" nonsense you're going on about. Come on, I'll lead you there.

Bobbi and Hunter get up and follow Greggie outside.

Bobbi: To the rock mines, or wherever it is.

 _Coulson, May and Skye_

 _Location: The Community Center... Where local Politicians campaign and school Volleyball Tournaments take place._

Skye: This is totally bad you guys, we can't help Captain Cook's campaign! That guy is bad news.

Coulson: We totally beefed this. There aren't many candidates worse than Ward for mayor, but I think the Drug Dealer and A.I.M. Puppet is probably worse.

May: Maybe we should just call this mission a failure and move on, Ward is going to find out sooner or later that we're frauds.

Coulson: We're too deep in, May. And think about all the secrets we can get from Hydra if we keep this up, they're still our enemies after all. I just found out yesterday that Daniel Whitehall used to be a rapper, what a nerd right?

Skye: Guys, aren't you missing something here?

Coulson: Like what?

Skye: Ward doesn't know who were the ones who made these posters, we can tell him someone else did it.

May: Good idea, call him up now.

Ward at the Hydra Base.

Ward (To Kara): For the last time, I didn't touch your copy of Three Ninjas. I don't even watch that crap.

Kara: Oh really, like you didn't touch my Copy of Cars 2?

Ward: That was one time! And you should feel sorry for me.

Kara: Why?

Ward: Because I watched Cars 2!

The phone rings.

Ward picks up.

Ward: Yhello.

Skye (On Phone): Hey Ward. So, it looks like your campaign might've taken a hit recently.

Ward:Oh, Jordana, what happened? Did Khenan do something? I swear those White-Jamaicans dudes really weird me out.

Skye: Not him someone put up a bunch of slanderous posters against you. _Skye covers the speaker_ who should I say put up the posters?

Coulson: Hydra!

Skye: I should say Hydra put up the Anti-Hydra posters?

May: Inhumans.

Coulson: Sokovians.

May: Iguanas.

Skye (uncovering the speaker): Inhuman... Sokovian... Iguanas?

Ward: That's odd, why would Inhuman Sokovian Iguanas know about my secrets and want to take me down? This whole thing sounds fishy, I need to get to the bottom of it.

Skye: Okay, but we'll be here... campaigning for you.

Skye hangs up.

May: You think he believed any of that crap?

Skye: Seems like it, but he might know something is up.

Coulson: Maybe it's best if we try to advocate for Hydra, just this once and to try and revert some what was caused with these posters.

May: Sounds treasonous to me.

Coulson: It's for the greater good, besides S.H.I.E.L.D. has been disbanded and divided so many times I don't think anyone knows the difference anymore.

May: Fine, but I don't like it.

 _Trip & Peter_

Scientist: For the first experiment I will be testing our newest invention on the both of you.

Peter: And what would that be?

Scientist: This is Fly.

The Scientist takes out a piece of technology shaped like a Fly.

Trip: You've got to be kidding me, I get that Centipede was a nickname for the one that makes you strong, and Spider was just a weird design for the one that makes people run quick, but do you guys actually just name and design all your inventions after bugs?

Scientist (To Trip): Of course. Gimmicks are important to a brand, that's some business 101 for you. I just saved you the money it would take to go University and learn that.

Trip: Wow, thanks _Rolls eyes_.

Scientist: Now to get these on you guys.

The Scientist opens the cells and puts Fly on Peter & Trip.

Scientist: Act how you normally would, while I watch the results.

Peter: I don't know man, I feel fine.

Trip: Yeah, nothing weird about this one.

Peter: Maybe it's just a tttttttteeeeeesssssssstttttttt

Trip: wwwwhhhhhhhhhyyyyy aaaaaaaarrrrrrrreeeee wwwwweeeeeee ttttaaaaallllkkkiiiiinnnngggg ssssssoooooo ssssssslllllllloooooowwwwwwlllllllyyyyyy?

Peter: iiiiiiiiiiiii ddddddoooooonnnnnnn'tttttttttttttttt kkkkkkkkknnnnnnnnnnoooooowwwww!

Trip: ttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssss fffffffffeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllssssssss ssssssooooooooo wwwwrrrooonnnggggggg!

Peter: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Scientist: Interesting. _On Recorder_ The Fly technology appears to have successfully reversed the speeding effects of Spider. The question is, why did we want this? What purpose would it seriously serve for our soldiers in the field, so many questions.

The Scientist takes Fly off of Trip and Peter.

They both start breathing heavy.

Trip: I haven't felt this winded since Bobbi made me do that _Rodney Yee_ work out with her, last time I bet on a game of Lacrosse.

Peter: What's next Doc?

Scientist: This is _Butterfly_ , it has a similar effect to Fly, enjoy!

The Scientist puts it on the Trip and Peter's necks.

Trip (High pitched voice): thisonereallyworksfastwowIamtalkingsuperquickaren'tI?

Scientist: This one kicks in much faster, in case you didn't know.

Peter (High pitched voice): thisisawesomeIsoundlikeacutelittlebunnyrabbitIwatchattheshop!Ialwayswantedtosaythiswithahighpitchedvoicereadyareyou listeningofcourseyouare"ALVIN!"yougetitfrom?fromAlvinandtheChipmunks?

Trip (High pitched voice): onlyDavesaysthatandhehasanormalvoiceyoudolt!

Scientist: Hahaha, humorous, but still not actually helpful to the Agency. Let's try Beetle now.

Trip: This is getting old, fast!

 _Bobbi, Hunter and Greggie_

 _Location: Forest_

Hunter and Bobbi are walking through the forest, being lead by Greggie

Hunter: Where are we going?

Bobbi: Good question. Where _are_ we going, Greggie?

Greggie: I'm taking you to the location of the rock.

Hunter: The Wrestler? I think he's ways away from here.

Greggie: Not Dwayne Johnson you pinhead, the rock I need you two to get for me.

Bobbi: If you knew where it was this whole time why are _we_ going to get it for you?

Greggie: Because the way to it is a very dangerous one. That is why I need two trained Agents like you guys to find it.

Bobbi: How dangerous are we talking?

Greggie: Dangerous enough that even a group of trained warriors never made it out of there in one piece!

Hunter: Ah, that doesn't sound too hopeful for us. There were others before?

Greggie: Yes. Quite a few, why not try another one? Am I right or what?

Bobbi: You better have the information we need.

Greggie: Trust me, I know a lot about these woods and that secret base. I will be more than willing to share everything I know if you get this stone. You have my word on that.

Bobbi: I guess I can't ask for much more.

Hunter: Is that where the stone is? Above that hill.

Greggie:... yes.

The camera looks over at a Cave in the middle of the woods. Bats fly out of it.

Hunter: Bats!? It's looks scary in there.

Greggie: I never said it would be easy, but if you want that info you need to get the rock for me.

Bobbi: When we get in there, can you explain what the rock looks like?

Hunter: Yeah, is it any rock we find?

Greggie: The rock looks like a long crystal, you'll know it when you see it. I will be keeping in contact with both of you via this Walkie Talkie.

Greggie gives Bobbi a 1960s Walkie Talkie.

Greggie: That has about seven minutes of battery, so use it wisely!

Bobbi: Thanks, I don't want to know what this blue stain on it is.

 _FitzSimmons & Mack_

Mack is hitting the computer with the Fire Extinguisher.

Mack: I don't understand.

Simmons: Wait, I have a radical idea. Maybe the "firewall" Mack was talking about before is a term for something preventing us from hacking into the software.

Fitz: Simmons, if you're going to joke around go join the S.H.I.E.L.D. comedy club. Isn't it more likely it's meant a wall of fire the bad guys can make?

Simmons: No Fitz, it's not.

Fitz: Whatever, I'm engineering anyway. Skye's forte is hacking.

Mack: You're telling me, Fitz & Simmons the team's geniuses don't know how to hack into this database and get through a simple piece of malware? I still can't get over that.

Fitz: Mack, you don't know anymore than us. Were you not just smashing the Extinguisher onto the computer?

Mack: Touché. But I never claimed to be a genius, you two do.

Simmons (To Fitz): He's right Fitz, the least we can do is try.

Fitz: Alright, maybe I can re-program the whole plane's network and that might throw the A.I.M. hackers off.

Simmons: And I'll go... study animal cells, because I am Bio-Chem.

 _Skye, Coulson & May._

Coulson: Ignore those posters, go Ward!

Skye: He's going to be redeemed one day! Elect him and maybe it will happen in office.

May: He... makes a really good Ice Cream Sundae? I can't do this. Advocating on behalf of Ward feels wrong.

Coulson: I agree, not to mention how many good things can we say about him? Ward has done like two good deeds on the show, and most just as a ploy to warm up to us. Change of plans, let's listen to Captain Cook's rally and maybe if he is _less_ evil than Ward, we can campaign for him. Sound like a plan?

Skye: Or maybe someone from S.H.I.E.L.D. can run against those two?

Coulson: It's too late in the election for that. Now, let's go.

The three of them walk up to Captain Cook giving a speech to undecided voters.

Undecided Voter: Mr. Cook, if you are elected into office how would you handle the increasing taxes on average citizens in the community?

Captain Cook: Well, I would do whatever the great citizens of this nation asked me to do. Because if they don't like it, I don't.

The audience starts cheering. Along with Coulson and Skye.

Skye: Wow, he really wants to be a servant of the people. What a swell guy!

May (To Skye): You can't seriously be falling for this?

Skye: What's wrong with it?

May: He's using an obvious politician tactic of avoiding the question, and using big buzzwords to make himself seem smarter.

Coulson: He said he would _do_ whatever the people wanted him to do, like a Democratically elected leader should. Look up Democracy some time May, it could help out with this.

May: Did you forget Captain Cook is working for A.I.M.!?

Coulson: Yeah, I know, and we're not going to support him in the long run. But if the choice is just between him and Ward, why not pick the guy who respects the people?

May: Because he doesn't " _respect the people_ " he manipulating you all!

Coulson: You know May, I've been doing whatever you wanted for days now! I'm taking back control and S.H.I.E.L.D. is going to support Cook's campaign! Come on, Skye.

Coulson grabs Skye.

May: We've been following your leadership for years now, and look where it's got us! Our two enemies being chosen for government on one of the countries major cities. We should support Ward's campaign. Come on, Skye.

May grabs Skye.

Skye: Guys... guys...

Coulson & May: LET'S GO SKYE!

Skye gets dragged by both May and Coulson he arms are stretched out.

Skye: Ow, ow, dang. Why am I so unflexable? I knew I should have done those _Rodney Yee_ workouts with Bobbi.

 _Trip & Peter _

The Scientist puts Beetle on Trip and Peter. They both turn into liquid.

Peter: Is this what spilled milk feels like?

Trip: Ugh, this is disgusting. I had a dream about this.

Peter: Really?

Trip: Hell yeah, it was really weird I turned into liquid just like here for some reason. Hunter tried to drink me, it was a nightmare.

Scientist: Impressive, it completely liquifies a physical structure. (To Trip and Peter) Try and move.

Trip and Peter move around in liquid form.

Trip: This is kind of trippy, pretty smooth though.

Peter: Ha, trippy!

Scientist: Excellent, can you move fast?

Trip: Watch and learn.

Trip starts showing off by swirling all around his cell, Peter does the same.

Scientist takes Peter and pours him into Trip's cell.

Scientist: Now race across the cell together?

Peter: Fine by me.

Trip: What the hell is this? What does it have to do with science?

Trip and Peter start mixing together.

Trip: Oh my god, ahhh, Peter... you're... all over me. Ugh!

Peter: No, you're all over me.

Trip and Peter argue and Scientist takes Beetle off of them. They turn to normal.

Trip: That was unpleasant.

Peter: Please stop this! We'll do whatever you want, just don't make us turn into dung or whatever you're planning on doing next!

Trip: Don't give 'em any ideas!

Scientist: Don't you understand? You're never stopping these tests, there's a reason the Boss asked for you two to be our subjects.

Trip: Why?

Scientist: Because we have plans for you, plans that would not approve of if you heard them. This is only the beginning of the Technology Advanced Idea Mechanics has in plan for you all. Assuming all goes as planned, you two will be the test subjects to a lot more abilities. Stick around, and try to enjoy yourselves. Better for everyone that way.

Peter: As long as we don't have to turn into that soup again.

 _Bobbi and Hunter_

They are all standing by the cave entrance.

Hunter: Are we getting any other supplies for our journey in there?

Greggie: Of course.

He throws them a bag.

Bobbi: Expired milk, two raw fish, a ripped blanket, and a bucket. Thanks.

Greggie: It's all I could spare for your little adventure. Well, I'm going to be heading out, bye.

Greggie walks off.

Hunter: Well, better get moving.

Hunter wraps the ripped blanket around his back and heads in.

Bobbi turns on her flashlight and follows.

Hunter: Hope there aren't any more bats.

Bobbi: Looks around, I imagine the crystal would be somewhere growing on the ground. _Using Walkie Talkie_ Where would I find the Crystal?

Greggie (Over Walkie Talkie): Deep in the cave.

Bobbi (Over Walkie Talkie): That's not specific enough, these caves can get pretty complex.

Greggie (Over Walkie Talkie): The Walkie Talkie doesn't have the technology to contact with me deep in the cave, you're on your own now. Good luck!

Bobbi: But where's the... dammit Greggie!

Hunter: Look, a pebble!

Hunter picks it up.

Bobbi: Put that down, we can't waste time here.

Hunter: I'm going to name him Pebbie and tell him stories, watch movies, and take showers with him. He'll be like the dog I never had.

Bobbi: I wonder how big this cave is?

Bobbi suddenly walks into a giant room full of Crystals.

Hunter: I think I know where the crystal is.

 _Coulson, Skye and May_

Coulson and May are playing Tug O-War with Skye.

Coulson (Pulling): She's mine, May.

May (Pulling): Not a chance, Coulson.

Skye: Enough of this!

Skye uses he quake powers to knock them away from her.

Skye: You two need to calm down, and discuss this rationally!

All the voters are staring at Skye, in shock. They just witnessed her cause tremors with only her fingertips.

Voter: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!

All of them start running away in panic.

Coulson:...

Skye:...

May:...that was pathetic.

Captain Cook runs over to them.

Captain Cook: Which one of you did that?

Coulson and May both step away.

Captain Cook walks over to Skye.

Captain Cook: Thank you so much. Oh man, those questions were getting hella intense out there. Only so long I could keep giving Politicia... err logical answers! To there ever so great questions. Can I count on you three for a vote?

May: He doesn't know we're S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents, wow.

Coulson: You definitely can.

May: Not! We're with Ward.

Skye: I support you Captain Cook, and you're welcome.

May: Oh, you have to be kidding me. You Skye of all people are supporting Cook? Aren't you always the one babbling on about how Ward is going be redeemed and you're going to fall in love!?

Skye: It will happen! Until then why not associate with someone who likes my powers.

Skye does another Quake.

Captain Cook: Brilliant, just brilliant. You two will do good for my campaign.

May walks off.

Coulson: We're happy to help!

Captain Cook: Pleasures, all mine.

Captain Cook puts his arms out.

Captain Cook: Hail A.I.M.!

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Bobbi and Hunter are searching the room.

Hunter: There's nothing in here but the same types of Crystals. Pebbie and I think we should turn around, ask the Cabin dude to be more specific.

Bobbi: That's not necessary, I bet there's one in particular he's looking for. Look for one that's kind of stone like.

Bobbi uncovers some Crystals and finds a _Terrigen Crystal_ beneath them.

Bobbi: Look, it's a Terrigen Crystal. Like the ones Inhumans can use to transform.

Hunter: Don't touch it! I heard you turn into a rock when you do.

Bobbi: Hunter... actually you have a good point.

Bobbi picks it up with tweezers and puts it in her bag.

Hunter: So, we turning someone into an Inhuman?

Bobbi: I don't think so. The question is, why would Greggie want us to get this for him. Unless...

 _All New, next time_

 _Some are siding with A.I.M._

 _Skye and Coulson are with Captain Cook._

 _Skye: So, how are we going to get you the votes?_

 _Captain Cook: I assume you won't go undercover in Hydra again?_

 _Others with Hydra._

 _May: They were frauds Ward. Both Jordana and Khenan._

 _Ward: This whole time, huh? I feel a little dumb right now if you ask me._

 _Bakshi: Atleast we can be assured knowing you're with us, Lola._

 _While others deal with even more intense threats._

 _Bobbi: We have to get this Crystal back._

 _They hear a loud roaring in the cave._

 _Hunter: Monster!_

 _FitzSimmons and Mack keep trying to hack the system._

 _Yes, they're still doing that._

 _The Scientist: Here is my latest experiment yet._

 _Trip: You've had six "latest experiments yet" what is the actual latest?_

 _Scientist: This one._

 _Spencer walks into a dark room._

 _Spencer: The plan with soon go into fruition sir._

 _Man in Shadows (Sinister laugh): Excellent, my good man._

 _Right before it shows his face the camera pans away._

 _All New, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. ._


	10. Into the Light

Episode 10: Into the Light.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

 _Fitz, Simmons and Mack are stuck on the Globemaster._

Mack: Shadow the hedgehog on the big screen just hacked into the Globemaster's computers, we're off course!

Simmons: How do we get back in?

Mack: We take down the firewall.

Fitz: Now A.I.M. can makes walls of fire, that's so OP!

 _Bobbi and Hunter are talking to Cabin Owner_

Cabin Owner: My name is Greggie, if you two Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. find something for me in a creepy cave I'll tell you where the A.I.M. base is.

Hunter: Me and Bobs on another crazy adventure, I love it!

Bobbi: Crazy, being the word of the day.

 _Skye, Coulson and May see Captain Cook is running against Ward_

Coulson: Who do we campaign for?

Skye: I don't know, why doesn't S.H.I.E.L.D. run for this stuff?

May: I'm with Skye, it's ridiculous we are in this whole ordeal in the first place.

Coulson: We just can't, May.

Skye: Did we all just forget about Trip?

 _I didn't! Trip and Peter are in the A.I.M Laboratory_

Trip: Please, no more experiments.

Peter: I can't go from fast to slow, it's so wrong!

Scientist: We have plans for you two, very important for the organization. So, no, we will be doing more tests.

Trip: Rats.

Peter (To Trip): Where?

 _Bobbi and Hunter exploring the cave._

Bobbi: Where do you think the crystal is?

Hunter: Look a pebble! I'm going to name you pebbie.

Bobbi: Okay, I guess I'll be the one looking for this.

Bobbi walks into a section of the cave full of crystals

Hunter: That might be it.

Bobbi: What is this, a Terrigen Crystal? Why would Greggie want this?

 _Coulson Skye and May are campaiging for Ward now_

Coulson: After hearing Cook's opinions, I kind of want to support him.

Skye: Same.

May: You've got to be kidding me. Fine, I'll support Ward, while you two act crazy again.

Coulson: Fine, we will.

Coulson and Skye walk off.

May: Why am I always surrounded by idiots?

Bobbi (To May): Tell me about it!

Trip (To May): You said it.

And now...

 _Skye, Coulson and Captain Cook_

 _Location: The election booth... I'm voting for Trump._

Captain Cook: I am so excited I have my own campaign crew.

Skye: So, what are we going to do first?

Captain Cook: You two can help me get some more supporters, we'll be going around the city garnering support.

Coulson: Sounds good, before you know it Mr. Cook you'll have support than pre 9-11 Bush.

Skye: I'm pretty sure Bush lost the popular vote to Al Gore, but I get what he's saying.

Captain Cook: We better get started, we're burning daylight here.

Captain Cook's phone starts ringing.

Captain Cook (On Phone): Cookie here.

Man in shadows (On Phone): Must I call you that?

Captain Cook: If you want me to keep doing crap for you, definitely. What's up boss?

Man in shadows: Well... (gritting teeth) cookie... (back to normal) I need you to come back to the base. We have reason to believe the plans for the enhanced soldiers might be in motion very soon.

Captain Cook: Oh, really? I'll be right there.

Man in shadows: Don't keep me waiting.

Captain Cook: I won't, sir.

Skye: What was that about?

Captain Cook: Oh... my wife needs me.

Coulson: Why don't you have a wedding ring if you're married?

Captain Cook: Oh... I mean, I need my wife.

Coulson: That doesn't answer my question.

Captain Cook: Oh... I mean, I need to find her right now before I marry her.

Skye: How do you know who you're marrying, are you some type of Time Traveler?

Captain Cook: Oh... I mean... whatever shut your yapping, I got to go. You two watch over the Voting Booth, answer anyone questions and make sure to campaign for me as hard as you can.

Captain Cook gets into his A.I.M. mobile and drives away.

Skye tries to take one of Captain Cook's special edition candies from the booth.

Coulson flicks it away out of her hand.

Skye (To Coulson): What the hell?

Coulson: Those are for the voters!

Coulson and Skye just sit there.

Coulson: Oh, what the hell...

Coulson takes a hand full of candy and stuffs it in his mouth.

He spits out all the wrappers.

Coulson (To Skye): Forget to take those off, bleh

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _Ward and May_

 _Location: Hydra Building_

Ward: Khenan and Jordana were what!?

May: Frauds. Both of them.

Ward: I need to sit down, I can't believe S.H.I.E.L.D. would play dirty like that!

May: How did you not notice? "Khenan" was just Coulson wearing a rainbow blanket, a dreadlock wig while doing an extremely offensive accent, and "Jordana" was literally Skye in a blonde wig.

Bakshi: Atleast we can be assured your intentions are sincere, isn't that right Lola?

May: Of... of course. Totally loyal right here, nothing odd about a green haired rocker from Texas having interest in Hydra, not at all.

May fixes her wig, which was poorly put together.

Bakshi: Exactly as we thought!

Ward (To May): Anything else I should know, Lola?

May: Coulson and Skye also put up those posters against your Mayoral campaign.

Ward: WHAT!?

May: And now they're going to try and campaign for Captain Cook and A.I.M.

Ward: WHAT!? WHAT!?

May: That's kind of it.

Ward: I'm sorry, are you trying to say something May, I can't hear anything. Stupid vent is so loud! New cooling system in the building, Bakshi's idea, of course.

Bakshi turns off the central air system.

Bakshi: He may complain now, but without it we wouldn't be able to keep our Ice Cream in easily accessible places.

Bakshi takes an Ice Cream Cone out of a drawer in Ward's desk.

May: I was trying to say, Skye and Coulson are working for Captain Cook and A.I.M. for the election.

Ward: This is going to hit us hard, A.I.M. is already a powerhouse as it is. With S.H.I.E.L.D. now backing them for mayor, I think I have a Raccoon's chance in space.

May: But don't worry Ward, with me spearheading this campaign, I will make you mayor. And what the hell does that mean?

Ward: The raccoon thing? I read it in a fortune Cookie the other day.

May: That's not even a fortune.

Ward: Yeah, I need to stop going to that weird place down the street for my potsticker cravings.

 _Trip and Peter_

 _Location: A.I.M. Facility - Testing Lab..._ _I'm friend's with the monster that's in my lab!_

The Scientist comes into the lab and gets his gloves on. While Trip & Peter sit in there Oversized Hamster Cages.

Scientist: Good morning gentlemen, hope you had a _ball_ last night?

Nobody laughs.

Trip: You don't deserve to have your crappy jokes laughed at

Scientist: None the less, I have more tests for you two.

Peter: When can I have Spider back? I'm tired on all these stupid tests.

Scientist: Actually, we're moving away from the experimenting and going into testing your own physical skills.

Trip: What do you mean?

Scientist: What I mean is, A.I.M. is going to be putting you guys through a list of physical tests to see how strong the two of you are.

Trip: That should be easy. I'm a trained S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent, I could something like that easy.

Peter (To Trip): I can't Last time I went to the gym was after the Hulk first appeared on TV, I was like "ah man, I want muscles like that." Then I went to the gym and sprained by wrist on the ten pound weights, I just got Taco Bell instead.

Trip: Okay... but don't you get exercise running around with Spider and whatnot?

Scientist: Actually, Spider also provides it's user with all the excess energy needed to run with it. Any physical activity done while under it's control serve little to no "actual" exercise.

Trip: Of course!

Peter: Let's just get to it, Doc.

Scientist: Excellent. First, you'll need to get changed.

The Scientist throws clothes into Peter & Trip's cells, he sits on a chair and watches.

Trip: You going to leave?

Scientist: I have to watch, make sure you don't use what I gave you as weapons to get out.

Peter: They're gym clothes.

Scientist: Your point?

 _Bobbi & Hunter _

_Location: The Cave... rats and bats and snakes, oh my!_

Bobbi: I still can't believe there was a Terrigen Crystal in there, why do you think it was all the way in this cave system?

Hunter: I don't know, but Pebbie thinks we should just give the man what he wants and go on our merry way.

Bobbi (To Hunter): Well, tell Pebbie that Greggie was a creep and I have my doubts he has good intentions with that Crystal, he was really vague about this whole thing too.

Hunter: Pebbie doesn't think you read people well Bobbi, he thinks you judge too harshly to project your own insecurities onto them.

Bobbi: Tell that Pebble I am the S.H.I.E.L.D. team's main psychology expert and if he thinks he can try and play Shrink with me, he's not another thing coming, and you tell him that to his face.

Hunter: Bobbi... it's just a pebble.

Bobbi: What, you were... nevermind.

Hunter: Calm now, are we? Good.

Bobbi: Talking to a pebble, get a grip Bobbi.

Hunter: But, we should give the Crystal to Greggie.

Bobbi: Alright, I guess we do need the information anyhow.

Suddenly they both hear a growl.

Bobbi: What was that?

Hunter: A very hungry carnivore?

Bobbi: Maybe, I'm nervous now.

Hunter: Don't worry, I'll protect you from... AHHHHH! Monster!

They can see a giant creature in the dark start running towards them.

Monster: RAAAAAHHHAAAAHHHHH

Bobbi: C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cave monster!

Hunter jumps in Bobbi arms as they both run from the monster.

The Monster chases Bobbi and Hunter threw a bunch of doors, three lined up on each cave side.

Bobbi: Where did all these doors come from?

Hunter: Just keep running!

 _Skye & Coulson_

A man walks up to the booth.

Coulson: Hello there fellow American Citizen, are you interested in electing Captain James Cook as this city's great mayor?

Skye: You mean, this great city's mayor?

Coulson (To Skye): I didn't, but now when I think about it, that sounds better.

Man: Why should I vote for Captain Cook, dude looks like a sleeze to me.

Coulson: Well, there are a lot of reasons to vote Cook, one is because he's not Grant Ward.

Man: Be he _is_ Captain Cook.

Coulson:... Skye, what should I say?

Skye: How am I supposed to know. (To the Man) Captain Cook wants to help the city in a great way.

Man: Oh awesome, he has my vote!

Skye: Cool, that brings our support up _checks list_ one vote more for Captain Cook.

Coulson: Must be a slow day today, I've barely seen anyone come to the Community Centre and everyone who does either just wipes their nose with one of the Captain Cook style tissues or ignores us.

Skye: We just need to more motivation for people to support him. I mean, why are we supporting him?

Coulson: Because we can't let Ward win this, imagine a Hydra ran Los Angeles. (Imitating Announcer) _Come to Los Angeles the City of Angels, and while you're at it HAIL HYDRA!_

Coulson puts his arms out.

Skye: That's it, we're doing this because we don't want Ward to win. We just need to make Anti-Ward posters, then people will have to vote for Captain Cook.

Coulson: We've got these Captain Cook themed pencils that not one person picked up, we can use those to write. We need paper though.

Skye: I'll head to the shop, you watch the booth.

Coulson: You got it, get some more candies while you're at it!

 _Trip and Peter_

 _Location: The A.I.M. Exclusive gym... $60s for a months membership, what a ripoff._

Trip and Peter are standing there both in gym attire.

Trip: Do I have to wear this ridiculous get up? These shorts are way too small on me, and think there's something written on the back this tank top.

Trip turns around and on the back of it says _"Sexy Mama"_.

Peter: Just so you know Trip, I changed my mind, I'm going to kick your butt in every one of these exercises.

Trip: Cut the crap Peter, you know the Scientist said that Spider _doesn't_ improve your physical stamina, so shut it.

Peter: I will not "shut it" even if it doesn't I have experience now with running, when was the last time you worked out?

Trip: I'm a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent! We work out all the time!

Peter: I'm asking when?

Trip:... I had to carry a heavy box of movies like 6 months ago.

Peter gives Trip a look

Trip: Okay fine, but I did do my training and I still have some of it in me. So knock off that know it all stuff.

Peter: Fine.

Peter and Trip start stretching.

The Scientist walks in dressed like a Gym Coach.

He blows his whistle.

Scientist: Okay team, huddle up!

Trip: We're not really a team, there are only two of us, and we're both here.

Scientist (To Trip): Just come here!

Peter and Trip come closer to Scientist

Scientist: Thank you, the first of your physical tests will be trying to Hola Hoop.

Trip: Why would you ever need us to Hola Hoop? What does any of this have to do with science?

Scientist: We need to study your physical capacity in all ways Mr. Triplett, now stop whining and do it please.

The Scientist throws Trip and Peter two Hola Hoops, one red and the other blue.

Trip goes for the red one.

Peter: I want that one! I want it.

Trip: Ugh.

Trip takes the blue one and they both try and use them.

Trip: This is actually kind of fun.

Peter: Yeah, once you the rhyme of it, ow, hip cramp. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Peter starts jabbing his hips forward while flapping on the ground.

Scientist: Less than Impressive Mr. Pott.

Peter: Shut up, I ate ten Ego Waffles this morning, with Syrup!

Scientist: I knew we should stop feeding the subjects the waffles.

Trip (To Peter): 1 - 0, so much for your trash talk.

 _Bobbi & Hunter_

They're both still running from the Monster.

Bobbi: Quickly, through this little hole in the wall

Hunter: I don't know if Pebbie has enough energy to get through there.

Bobbi: Just get in the damn hole

Bobbi pushes Hunter into the hole and goes in after.

Hunter: Well, this sure is compact. You think it won't notice us?

Bobbi: It shouldn't, what do you think that thing is?

Hunter: I don't know, but it was fast, and big.

Bobbi: It might be an inhuman of types, if this place is a Terrigen Crystal Den or something, would make sense this is where ceremonies like that take place.

Hunter: Oh, it's Inhuman. Just tell it we know Daisy, that should calm it down.

Bobbi: That's the dumbest thing you've said all day, why would telling what that is we know Daisy make it not attack us?

Hunter: Because Daisy's an Inhuman, and you think the monster is an Inhuman, it's a bonding experience. Haven't you read my book?

Bobbi: Your book? Did you finally learn how to use that Typewriter Fitz got you for your birthday.

Hunter: No, I used your IPad actually, you have a weird browser history.

Bobbi: Since we're both on the verge of being eaten inside a cramped space, I'm going to let that one slide.

Hunter: Thanks a bunch.

Bobbi: Yeah, whatever. But the question is, how are we going to get out of this cave, or outwit that Monster?

Hunter: Maybe the stuff Greggie gave us in the bag? There's a flashlight and a ripped blanket in there, we can make something of those things, can't we?

Bobbi: Good idea, maybe this flashlight could mess with it, if it's in this dark cave all the time it might be sensitive to brightness. I just realized, how did you get a book published when you have no prior experience as a writer and did the whole thing off of an IPad that wasn't even yours?

Hunter: I have connections.

Bobbi: Not going to engage you on this, hand me the flashlight.

Hunter gives her the flashlight.

Bobbi walks out of the hole with the Flashlight.

Bobbi: _Whistles_ Here, kitty kitty.

She hears something loud running toward her.

Monster: RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Hunter (To Bobbi): Does it seem like just an Inhuman?

Bobbi: No, not really. Might just be an average cave monster. But that's not too much for the Mockingbird. Kiai!

Bobbi shines the Flashlight right on the Monster.

Monster: RAAAAAAAAAA

It is stunned by the brightness.

Bobbi: It worked!? Yes! Quickly, make a run for it.

Bobbi and Hunter start running down the corridor.

Hunter: I can see the light, we've done it!

Bobbi: Let's go.

They both hear something big running towards them, and a monster roar.

Bobbi: It's after us, it's too fast, how can we make it.

Hunter: I have a little trick in my backpocket, literally.

Hunter out of his backpocket, takes out his _Trumpet_ and blows as loud as he can.

The monster is stunned.

Monster: Rwwwwww

The Monster retreats into the cave.

Hunter: All with the power of music!

Bobbi: I can't believe that thing was actually useful, thanks Lance.

Hunter: Let's get this thing to Greggie and get our Trip back.

Bobbi: "Trip", you mean the Agent or our going here?

Hunter: Just keep walking.

They both leave the cave and go into the light.

 _Hydra Headquarters_

May walks into the lounge where Kara is sitting down.

Kara: Lola, have a seat.

May sits down.

May: What do you need, Kara?

Kara: I know.

May: You know what?

Kara: I know you know.

May: You that I know, which you know? I'm confused.

Kara: I know you're Melinda May!

May: Keep your voice down.

May looks around.

May: I'm sorry, who is this, "Melinda" person?

Kara: Don't play games with me. I'm _not_ here to rat you out.

May: Than why are you bringing this up?

Kara: Because I want to help you.

May: Why?

Kara: As I have made extensively clear here, I don't much care for Ward.

May: Yes, I think we all know by now.

Kara: And with you in our ranks we can try to sabotage his operation. Without me getting my hands bloody, it's a win-win.

May: I did want to help Ward get mayor though.

Kara: We can still let him get Mayor, I'm not against Hydra as an organization, I just really want to take down Ward. You in on this?

May: How did you find me out?

Kara: Really, Melinda? I impersonated you for awhile, I know you and what you look like to a t.

May: I see, well that's something.

Kara: Not to mention, your disguise is terrible, I see can see your real hair coming out of that wig.

May: Taking Ward down, yet putting Hydra themselves in a position of power. This is an odd situation indeed.

Kara: Happens all the time here, May. Welcome to the New Hydra. _Groan_

 _Skye and Coulson_

Coulson is sitting at the booth.

Skye: Hey, I got the paper.

Coulson: Good. Do you have my candy?

Skye: Of course.

Skye throws Coulson ten candies.

Coulson: Oh, yum!

Before Coulson eats them, he takes off the wrappers.

Coulson: Not doing that again.

Skye: I got you some comics too.

Coulson: Which kind?

Skye: Your favorite, Heroic Legion.

Coulson: Oh yeah! I love Heroic Legion, anything in particular.

Skye: You know, the classic members, Amazingman, Ratman, Spectacular Sister, The Quick, Blue Flashlight, Wet Willy, all those guys.

Coulson: Awesome, I need to find out how Amazingman outsmarts his rival, Rex Ranther.

Skye: It's awesome by the way. Now, what to write on these posters.

Skye cracks her knuckles.

Coulson: Just do the same stuff you wrote before, that seemed to do the trick with getting Cook some support.

Skye: Exactly. One issue.

Coulson (To Skye): What is it?

Skye: I only did that when I was not sure who Ward was running against.

Coulson: So?

Skye: Now that I know who is, I can't come up with diddley spit, which means I can't make good propaganda posters.

Coulson: That is very weird Writer's Block, or Propaganda Block? Wow.

Skye: We're going to need to work together for this one, how good of a writer are you Coulson?

Coulson: I wrote a paper once in High School, and don't forget my Looney Tunes fanfiction.

 _FitzSimmons and Mack_

Mack is still trying to hack the computer, with FitzSimmons looking over his shoulder.

Mack: I have come to a conclusion.

Simmons: What?

Mack: I have no idea how to hack this thing.

Mack gets up.

Fitz: We just let A.I.M. win like that. There's still some time, let's come up with something you guys.

Simmons: Maybe we can get all the weapons in the Globemaster ready and take those A.I.M. buggers down in showdown.

Fitz: Can't, I used all the Weapons supplies to power that _Smores 'n Doors_ kit we used for the slumber party.

Mack: That was a total bust, it only used Marshmellow paste. Nobody wants smoores with Marshmellow paste!

Simmons: It looks like we're out of time, the ship is landing!

The Globemaster lands outside of the A.I.M. Facility.

FitzSimmons get out of it and someone comes out to greet them. They stair in shock.

Fitz: Oh my god, (To Random A.I.M. Soldier) please don't make us go with him. Anyone but him!

 _Bobbi and Hunter_

 _Location: Forest outside cave_

Bobbi: I'm so excited to deliver this Crystal to Greggie, so we can find and stop those A.I.M. nutjobs.

Hunter (To Bobbi): We're going to have to give atleast twenty-five percent of the credit to Pebbie.

Bobbi: You know what, we'll be so popular back at S.H.I.E.L.D. for re-uniting the team I'm okay with that.

Hunter: Oh goody, I was worried there would be another showdown between you two.

Bobbi: I was too Hunter. Look, there is it!

Hunter and Bobbi go into the cabin.

Greggie: Well, anything?

Hunter: We've got your Crystal!

Greggie: Fantastic.

Hunter gives the Crystal to Greggie.

Greggie: There men!

A bunch of A.I.M. Soldiers jump out from the behind the Crystal collections and hold up Hunter & Bobbi with their weapons.

Bobbi: What is this?

Greggie: You see, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., I knew about your plan the whole time, as did A.I.M. The one thing that was needed to complete the experiments was a Terrigen Crystal, which you two so thoughtfully got. Take them away soldiers.

Bobbi: We've got to cut down of the Working for A.I.M. Deception trope.

Hunter: Ditto.

Bobbi: I knew you were no good anyway! Why do you need a Terrigen Crystal? Those only work for Inhumans!

Greggie: Oh you naive little S.H.I.E.L.D. girl, we have plans with our research that will make Spider & Centipede look like a children's toys. Any minute now men.

The Soldiers start trying to take Hunter and Bobbi away.

Hunter (To Greggie): You won't get away with this, Pebbie will stop you.

Hunter tries to throw Pebbie at Greggie, nothing happens.

Hunter: That was disappointing

 _Trip & Peter_

 _Location: A.I.M. Gym_

Scientist: For your next test, you two will be rollerblading, enjoy.

Both Trip and Peter get on Rollerblades.

They start going on it.

Trip: This is fun.

Peter: Yeah, not so bad at all.

Scientist: Do some tricks.

Peter jumps, does a twirl in the air and lands.

Trip tries to go a little faster and Trips.

Peter (Trip): 1 - 1, and I just won.

Trip: This round.

Captain Cook walks into the Gym.

Trip: Oh come on, what is that guy doing?

Captain Cook: I've got some new recruits for y'all.

Captain Cook and Spencer bring out Mack, Fitz, Simmons, Bobbi and Hunter.

Hunter: Hey Bobbi, it isn't so bad. We're all united again. Mostly.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Greggie walks into the main office in the A.I.M. building.

Man in shadows: You have what we are seeking?

Greggie: Of course. Deception is an amazing tool to have, I managed to trick two Agents into getting the Crystal for us.

Greggie takes out a pair of tweezers and puts it on the desk.

Man in shadows looks at it.

Man in shadows: Than we have all that we seek, the next plan is putting our experimenting to use.

The camera pans over to the Man in shadows, while he walks into light revealing himself to be, Aldrich Killian, founder of A.I.M!

 _All New, Next Time_

Aldrich: Now that we have the crystal, we need two geniuses to complete our plans.

Captain Cook: I may have just what you need, sir.

Skye and Coulson finish making their propaganda posters.

Coulson: What do you think, is it any good?

Skye: It looks great, if we're trying to parody ourselves!

Coulson: It's not that bad.

Skye: Oh, it really is.

FitzSimmons are playing a Basketball game against Trip and Peter.

Scientist: On your marks, get set, go!

Trip: That's for racing, do you know anything about sports!?

Simmons: He's a scientist, duh.

 _All new Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Coming soon_


	11. Un-unbound

Episode 11: Un-Unbound

Skye and Trip are walking through the hallway of the Globemaster, the plane is grounded.

Skye: I'm so glad we're finally going to get off the ship and catch up, it's been awhile old Trippy.

Trip: I ain't old. Besides you owe me after all that Terrigen Mist crap I went through for you. Here's my plan, I say we go to the arcade, play some rounds of Mortal Kombat, maybe some Dance-Dance Revolution, I'm the king of that by the way. Maybe we can get a pizza afterwards, and get back to the Globemaster before we leave.

Skye: Fine by me. Let's rock that joint!

Skye starts doing an air guitar.

Trip stairs at her.

Skye: What?

Trip: Please don't do that again.

Skye: Sorry.

As Trip walks over he sees a Deadpool Action figure on the ground.

Trip: Huh, I wonder who's this is?

Skye: Yeah, someone is probably missing their toy right now, maybe we should find out who it belongs to.

Trip: I don't want to go through the ship asking who it belongs to, let's just leave it.

Skye: Aha! You didn't return it, you don't deserve to play Arcade games with me.

Trip: What the hell is this?

Skye: That was a test! I put that there, only to see what _you_ would do. And you choose wrong Triplett.

Trip: Oh come on, you were testing me? I didn't even know it.

Mack comes out through a door.

Mack: Actually, Trip, It was my test.

Skye: Mack, what are you talking about?

Mack: I planted that Action Figure in your pocket knowing you would try and test Trip with it, and you failed _my_ test, which was supposed to be about being compassionate towards people's different opinions. We can't go bowling next sunday.

Skye: I knew something was suspicious when a toy I never bought randomly ended up in my pocket.

Mack: So, I guess you both failed.

Bobbi walks in.

Bobbi (To Mack): You too, Mack. This was all my test.

Mack: What? I bought this Deadpool toy, how could that have been you testing _me_?

Bobbi: We went to Toys R Us together, remember? I showed you the action figure than _you_ bought it.

Mack: Oh right, so what were you testing?

Bobbi: To see your resourcefulness with seemingly useless objects. Testing other agents... is that useful?

Hunter walks in.

Hunter: Actually Bobbi you _failed_ my test.

Trip: This has to be a joke. Was everything we did these last couple of days all part of these stupid tests?

Hunter (To Bobbi): Who's idea was it to go to the Toys R Us?

Skye: Yours.

Hunter: No, Fitzs.

Bobbi: You said it was your test, how in any way was it?

Hunter: I agreed with him.

Fitz and Simmons walk into the hallway.

Fitz: Me and Simmons were testing to see how you would react when put into a seemingly normal environment.

Simmons: The results were quite interesting.

Bobbi (To Fitz): So, did I pass?

Fitz: You tell me, is testing other Agents useful?

Bobbi: Damn my own words.

Hunter: You can say that again. Wait, did I damn _my_ own words?

Trip: So was anything we did not part of these mind games?

Coulson and May enter the hallway.

Coulson: Probably not.

Skye: Coulson, you were in this too?

Coulson: You bet. Me and May decided to test what FitzSimmons would do when experimenting on you guys. We gave them the assignment.

May: Coulson just dragged me along. I thought it sounded stupid.

Simmons: How did we do?

Coulson: Is testing other Agents a good experiment.

Fitz: Decently so.

Nick Fury comes out.

Nick: While we're on this topic, I have to confess something to you Agent Coulson, this has all been a test.

Coulson: Director Fury, what are you talking about?

The Avengers, Victoria Hand, Ward, the Agents in the hallway and other characters from the Marvel Cinematic Universe come out and start clapping.

Coulson: What's going on?

Nick: Your whole life since _Iron Man_ has been one big test for you, Agent Coulson. To see how an Agent would react to a superhero team forming to fight off aliens and super computers, and to see how you would handle a Hydra invasion of S.H.I.E.L.D., I got to say, totally worth it.

Coulson: I don't believe this, so all of these people...

Nick: Paid actors, all of them, or S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents, pretending to be Hydra.

Ward walks over

Ward: Sorry sir about all this, Fury bribed me with Sour Patch Kids.

Coulson: What about the...

Nick: Special effects, we have great FX guys.

Coulson: Even you, Tony?

Tony: Especially me, Phil. I helped Nick here start this whole thing.

Coulson: Huh, I guess Tony Stark does look a little bit like Robert Downey Jr.

Nick (To Coulson): So, now since this little game is over, you need to get back to work.

Suddenly, the Mad Titan Thanos walks out.

Thanos: Nicholas J. Fury, you have failed the test.

Nick: Who to the what now? Who the hell is this guy?

Thanos: Ha, who I am is irrelevant. You lost the test I gave you, I have obtained all of the Infinity Stones eons ago, I used there power to create a simulation of the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. to see if _you_ could find out about all the Infinity Stones and outwit me possibly, making you smart enough to be my apprentice. Clearly, I was mistaken.

Suddenly everything fads away, except for Nick and Thanos, only to find themselves on an astroid.

Nick: So, everything that ever happened, including me paying all those actors and setting up the MCU for Coulson was just a big test for me?

Thanos: Precisely. But you failed, prepare for destruction.

Nick: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Nick Fury suddenly wakes up, he's in his bedroom and it's 2:30 A.M. in the morning.

Nick: Whew, it was just a big bad dream, now where was I?

Nick Fury sees in his bed a naked Oliver Queen, playing with the TV remote.

Oliver: Do you get HBO on here?

Nick: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oliver Queen than wakes up in _his_ bed.

Oliver: Felicity, I had that dream again!

Felicity gets up next to him.

Felicity: The one where Skye and Trip are arguing about that toy and Nick Fury is just being tested by Thanos, and then somehow you end up _in bed_ with him?

Oliver: Exactly.

Felicity: What did I tell you, Ollie? You need to stop watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. before you go to bed.

Oliver: But it's just so cool. Ugh! Fine.

Oliver and Felicity lay in the bed, neither sleeping.

Oliver: Felicity.

Felicity: Yes, Oliver?

Oliver: You want to watch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Felicity: Definitely.

Oliver gets the remote and turns on the TV.

Zooming in on Oliver and Felicity's television.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Skye: I can't believe Ward is running for Mayor.

May: And against Captain Cook no less!

Coulson: Well, it's obvious what we have to do.

May: Support Ward.

Coulson: Support Cook.

Coulson and Skye goes to campaign for Captain Cook

May goes to the Hydra building.

May: Jordana and Khenan were just Agents Skye and Coulson in disguise.

Ward: Say what?

Bobbi and Hunter take refuge in Greggie's house.

Hunter (To Greggie): We're S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents.

Bobbi: We're looking for the A.I.M. headquarters.

Greggie: I know where it is, but in order for me to tell you, the two of you must do something for me.

Bobbi: What?

Greggie: Go into a cave and get a crystal for me.

Bobbi and Hunter go find what appears to be a _Terrigen Crystal_ and go to Greggis's cabin.

Greggie: Psych! I've been working with A.I.M. the entire time, seize them!

FitzSimmons and Mack are stuck on the globemaster, heading to the A.I.M. base.

Mack: Oh no, how are we going to get out this one!?

They land and are taken into the facility.

Trip and Peter are doing tests for the Scientist.

Scientist: Looks like we've got some buddies for you two.

Spencer the A.I.M. Enforcer brings in Bobbi, Hunter, FitzSimmons and Mack

Trip: United at last... mostly.

Coulson: Hey!

Skye: Don't really care.

Greggie walks into the A.I.M. Leader's office.

The leader is reveled to be the one, the only, Aldrich Killian!

Aldrich: Let our phase immense.

And now...

 _Aldrich Killian and Greggie_

 _Location: A.I.M. Headquarters... Really writers? Out of all the MCU villains you could've brought back, you picked Aldrich Killian?_

Aldrich: Our plans will soon be in motion.

Greggie: Yeah, you just said that. What do you want me to do with the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents in the gym?

Aldrich: Continuing the testing on the most likely subjects, give the others something to do. We only need them for leverage.

Greggie: I'll go do that.

Aldrich: Before you go Greggie, how is the election?

Greggie: Cook seems to be leading now, oddly enough S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents seem to be campaigning for him, but before that trashed him for a short time.

Aldrich: I have trusted James to pull out a win for mayor. If he can't a huge part of our world domination plan will be put on hold.

Greggie: Uh, sir, I think he likes to be called "Cookie".

Aldrich: I'm not calling him that! If you try and order me one more time Greggie, I'll show you _my_ cookie!

Greggie: You call your fist cookie?

Aldrich: What, no. I mean my literal cookie. I got it at the 1999's New Year's Eve party where I met Tony Stark. Hard as a rock now and covered in mold, I'll show you, if I am disobeyed again.

Greggie: It's from 1999! That's over fifteen years ago, that is so gross!

Aldrich (Camera close up): I know.

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

Bobbi, Hunter, Mack, Fitz,Simmons Trip and Peter are all standing there

Mack: Bobbi, Hunter, Trip? What are you guys doing here?

Bobbi: How can I say this without sounding insane? Me and Hunter were thrown out of a plane by Coulson, and landed in the middle of a forest, where we took shelter with Greggie over there, and he sent us into a cave filled with some monster that was never explained where we got him a Terrigen Crystal. But to our woe he was working for A.I.M. and we got sent here.

Hunter: Atleast we finally found Trip.

Trip: Oh yeah, so happy out of all the times you guys could come looking for me, you pick now. Not when I was wondering around LA and could've easily been brought back. I want some Fist-Print cookies dammit!

Mack: Yeah, Trip. We finished the cooking plotline ages ago.

Trip: Say what! I hate this.

Fitz (To Bobbi): Me, Simmons and Mack were on the Globemaster until the A.I.M. leader hacked it and made it land here.

Bobbi: Why didn't you press the automatic reset button, that throws off any hackers and lets the driver re-gain control of the ship? Made for situations _exactly_ like that.

Simmons: That's what the button was for? I thought it reset the S.H.I.E.L.D. cars. You don't know how long I spent finding and locking the radios on the Kidz Bop channel.

Everyone stairs at Simmons.

Simmons: What? I like kids, and I like music. Perfect combination!

Mack sees Peter in the background doing the Charleston Dance.

Peter: You guys should dance with me, I'm going to have a butt of steel by the time this is done. _Notices Mack_ You!

Mack: You!

Trip sees Captain Cook than walk in.

Trip: You?

Captain Cook: You?

Hunter: Who are you! Who, who, who, who.

Everyone stairs at Hunter now.

Hunter: I thought we were singing a song.

Mack: Peter, what are you doing here?

Peter: After you abandoned me and stole my Spider A.I.M. threw me in this weird place. Apparently I didn't return Spider when I should've or something.

Trip: And the bigger question, why is Captain Cook here?

Captain Cook: Relex, I'm only here for Sitz and Fimmons.

Simmons: What did he just say?

Fitz: Our name is legendary. Make us cook drugs for you, and capturing us and our ship again is one thing, but mispronouncing our names is just low.

Trip: Atleast it's not me this time.

Captain Cook: Yeah, apparently we need you two again. So, follow me.

 _Coulson and Skye_

 _Location: Voting Booth_

 _Coulson is drawing a campaign poster. Skye is looking the other way_

Coulson: Almost done...

Skye (Turning Away): Can I look please?

Coulson: Not until it's finished, Skye. We've been over this.

Skye: Wasn't I supposed to help you _make_ the posters?

Coulson: Yeah, but I decided to do this on my own. My idea is too good and I don't want you screwing with it... and done.

Skye goes over

Skye: Wow, it's a ... piece of crap. What is that even supposed to be?

The Propaganda poster is a half circle with a zigzag line in between it.

Skye: What the hell even is this, it looks like a wannabe Math or Psychics equation for studying the universe or something. You're making posters that give people math problems now, Coulson?

Coulson: No! It's supposed to symbolic, Skye. The Zigzag is the voters, half of the circle is who they're voting for. Intelligence wins the vote. Duh.

Skye: Well, I don't know why you thought that would work but we need something trendy, something innovative. We need a catchy slogan. Like, how about _don't be_ _a Crook, vote for Cook._

Coulson: But now you're calling the voters crooks.

Skye: Better than saying they're Zigzags! I don't even know what it means, nor am I voting yet I'm offended by it.

Coulson: We can go to the shop and buy more supplies maybe bedazzle these up a little.

Skye: The cashier at the shop used to make propaganda posters for Union Allied Construction, she could help us.

Coulson: Sounds great, the election is coming up soon and we've got nothing for Cook. Wait, why does a construction company need propaganda?

Skye: Oh Phil, you are your... questions.

 _Ward and May_

 _Location: Hydra Headquarters_

In the Hydra Auditorium

Ward: And that's why I should be mayor... any questions?

Ward looks to see no one in the audience. Except for one man...

Man in Audience: You suck!

Ward: Who even is this guy? How on Earth did he even get in here?

Bakshi and May come in.

Ward: How am I supposed to prepare for this when none of you will ever watch my fake speeches?

Bakshi: I was on a roll with Minigolf.

Ward: Since you're here anyway, you two ask me some mock questions.

May: We're not here for your speech practice. We've got an issue, you're down in the polls.

Ward: Probably because S.H.I.E.L.D. keeps supporting Cook's campaign. Why would they even want A.I.M. to win? I mean, I only spent years tormenting Coulson and his team, but I thought we were chill. I mean, business is business.

Bakshi: More like Secret Espionage Politics is Secret Espionage Politics.

Ward: That's too long though. How about SEP is SEP. Yeah, I like that. Coulson needs to know that sep is sep.

May: We're getting off topic here. We need to get you higher up, Ward. Or you're going to lose this election.

Ward: We've tried everything, but I can't get people to vote for me. I even volunteered at that Puppy Shelter.

Bakshi: That was a Retirement home!

Ward: No wonder they kept biting me when I tried to pick them up.

May: I have an idea, the reason A.I.M. got ahead was because of the propaganda posters Coulson and Skye put up. So, we just need some good ones for you. Help get your image back up.

Ward: That's a good idea, heard there's a store downtown. The cashier has some good ideas on how to make those posters, ask her about it.

May: It's a plan, I'll go talk to Kara.

May walks up into Kara's office.

Her office is full of pictures filled with Ward, all of them blacked out.

May: She used green highlighter on this one, ew.

May walks deeper into it.

Kara: May! What can I help you with?

May: Ward gave me another mission, we need to help the campaign.

Kara: Again? When can we just overthrow him?

May: We talked about this, after the campaign.

Kara: So, what are we doing?

May: Going to some store with a cashier who's an expert on propaganda posters. Since Skye and Coulson used those to successfully further Captain Cook's campaign I thought we could do the same for Ward. The real question is, how can you actually make propaganda posters against Ward that are _believable?_

Kara: You said it. We'll figure something out, I have a way with words if you didn't notice.

 _Captain Cook and FitzSimmons_

 _Location: A.I.M. Laboratory... half of these test tubes are just filled with colored water_

Captain Cook: Welp, here it is.

Fitz: This is actually a pretty nice lab.

Simmons smacks Fitz's pec.

Fitz: Ow, my boobie!

Simmons: Fitz! We can't work for this madman again! (To Captain Cook) I'm sorry, but we are not taking part in your utterly insane experiments again.

Captain Cook: You don't have a choice sweet cheeks. But, we need you to do something a little different for us this time.

Simmons: Like what?

Captain Cook takes out his tweezers and reachers into his pocket.

Captain Cook: Where is it? I'll just take everything out.

Captain Cook takes out a roll of toilet paper, a mini cat scratching post, an apple, a wind up race car, a trumpet, and the Terrigen Crystal.

Captain Cook: Ha, got the Trumpet from Hunter.

Simmons: What are you going to do with that Terrigen Crystal?

Captain Cook: I'm not doing anything with it. You two are.

Simmons: I beg your pardon?

Captain Cook: Listen, as much as I like teasing you two knuckleheaded Monkey fiends, you're smart.

Simmons: Only Fitz really likes monkeys.. but whatever.

Fitz: Monkey's will take over once the rain forests get too small, fact.

Captain Cook: Anyway! We want to find out what gives the Terrigen Crystal it's ability to grant those with Inhuman blood superpowers. Our scientists can't make heads or tails how to do it, but S.H.I.E.L.D. might.

Simmons: What makes you think we could figure out how those work anymore than your scientists could?

Captain Cook: S.H.I.E.L.D. has been studying up on Inhumans, so if anyone could figure it out, it's you two.

Fitz: We are pretty smart, and did study a lot about Inhumans. A.I.M. did their homework.

Captain Cook: We're smart people too

Fitz: But, didn't you say your scientists couldn't figure out what makes Inhumans gain their powers from the crystal. Making you not actually as smart as us?

Captain Cook: You see there's a perfectly logical explanation for that Fitzie.

Fitz: What?

Captain Cook: Two magic words: Shut up.

Simmons: Not to mention, you're giving the job to people who don't work for you. We could easily turn at the drop of the hat.

Captain Cook: Look, I didn't say we were that smart of people! Just do it okay, and _don't_ mess it up.

Fitz: Or what?

Captain Cook: You're buddies will face the full wrath of A.I.M.!

Captain Cook turns on a projector showing the captured Agents in the A.I.M. gym.

Meanwhile, in said gym.

The Agents and Peter are doing Jumping Jacks.

Scientist: Keep going... keep going... yes, you powered my mini-toaster. Now I can finally cook those little slithers of bread that are in the bag after you finished most of it.

They're all panting.

Hunter: I feel like I'm on the Jumping Jack squad again. (To Scientist) I don't suppose you have a piece of technology that makes you super good at jumping jacks, do you?

Scientist: Uh, no.

Mack: What are we even being tested for anyway?

Scientist: How can I be polite about this... none of your business.

Bobbi: Trip, Peter? What did they do to you?

Peter: They made me slow! And then turned us into a drink.

Bobbi: I really hope that's a metaphor for something.

Trip goes close to Bobbi.

Trip: I wish that too.

Bobbi: But, you experienced it.

Trip: Ex-freaking-actly.

Bobbi: Shutters.

Scientist: All right, gather up everyone.

Everyone gathers up.

Scientist: (To Trip and Peter) We're going to be doing another test, which you other Agents can be involved in too.

Trip: What is it?

Scientist: A good old fashion game of Dodgeball! The world's most intense sport, don't google that.

Peter puts his IPhone away.

Peter: Sorry.

Mack: He had a phone this whole time?

Scientist: The teams are Mack and Bobbi against Trip and Hunter.

Hunter: What about Peter?

Scientist: Oh, that's the magic of it, Lance. Peter, as part of your test you will be playing both sides, equally.

Peter: Both sides? Of this Dodgeball match? Against these two Agents? Do I finally get Spider back?

Scientist: No. You will have to do it within your own skills.

Peter: Carrots and Honey Grahams, that sucks.

Scientist: On your marks, get set, go!

Scientist puts his hand up.

Trip: That's for starting rac...

Trip gets whacked with a Dodgeball.

Both teams try to get points with Peter trying to do it for both teams.

Peter: (One side of court) We're winning!

Peter runs to the other side of the court

Peter: We're losing!

Bobbi, Mack and Peter win.

Peter (To Bobbi): Yeah, we won, we're awesome.

Peter walks to the otherside of the Gym.

Peter (To Trip): We lost, this sucks, I hope we do better next time.

Scientist: Very good. Peter and Trip come with me.

Peter and Trip leave the Gym.

Mack, Hunter and Bobbi are standing in there.

Mack: He just left us here.

Bobbi: No one even seems to be watching us.

Hunter: So, do we get finally play Duck-Duck goose?

Bobbi: I vote no. We should wait until he comes back.

The light go off in the gym.

Mack:... I have a feeling our old Scientist buddy might be done for the night.

 _Coulson and Skye_

 _Walking to the Store... we're off to see the cashier, the wonderful cashier of the store!_

Skye: Almost there, you have any initial ideas for this poster?

Coulson: None really, I mean you shot down everything I said.

Skye: Like what?

Coulson: Like, when I pitched putting My Little Pony in the posters, people love that stuff.

Skye: No way sir, we're not touching the MLP fandom. That stuff is way, way too controversial.

Coulson: Whatever, let's hear your ideas.

Skye: How about one where Captain Cook is dressed like Captain America, and is beating up Ward dressed like Loki.

Coulson: That's a solid idea Agent Skye.

Skye: And we could call the hero... Captain Americook.

Coulson: Ehhh, that sounds kind of stupid, now when I hear the name.

Skye: Let's go into the store and see what we find.

They get into the store.

Store Cashier: Welcome back Skye, need some more propaganda posters? I think I got a few ideas left from my time at Union Allied.

Coulson: Again, construction company! Why propaganda?

Skye: Coulson, I told you. None of this questioning stuff, not with these guys.

Coulson: WHICH GUYS?

Skye (To Store Cashier): Yeah, we wanted to actually do more _positive_ posters, got any ideas for that?

Store Cashier: 'course I do. How about a poster with that guy you're campaigning for, and all of the best parts of his ideas drawn in speech bubbles around him. It's creative, and fun, like comics.

Coulson: Comics are fun.

Skye: Sounds like some good ideas, we'll take ten.

 _May, Bakshi and Kara_

 _Also walking to the Store... repetitive caption much?_

Bakshi: That's why I love Chinese Sushi it's so unique and fresh. Especially when you have it with tiger hair on top.

May: Gross! Japan have always been the masters of Sushi, your taste is so bad.

Bakshi: How can a taste be bad, it's my own taste!

May: Why does peanut butter on pizza taste bad then? If no taste can be bad?

Bakshi: Peanut butter on Pizza is my jam, May.

May: You cannot be serious.

May facepalms.

Kara: Please! We're here.

May: Let's not waste any time then.

They're at the store.

May: Let's go make some good propaganda posters.

Bakshi: I hope this Cashier isn't an A.I.M. Agent.

Kara and May look at Bakshi weird.

May: Why do you say that?

Bakshi: Because all the random characters introduced up to this point have mostly been, I hope we don't have such luck.

Kara: Fine, let's go in now.

The trio enter the building.

They walk over to the Store Cashier only to find her, talking to _Skye & Coulson_

Coulson (To May, Bakshi and Kara): What are you guys doing here?

Store Cashier: Hydra Agents, stuff's about to real up in this joint!

Skye: We're the ones getting that poster. Rather you want us to or not! Get out!

May: Make us.

May gets in a fighting stance.

Skye gets her powers ready. Coulson takes out his gun.

May: You covering me?

Bakshi: Of course. YAAAAAAAA!

 _FitzSimmons_

 _Location: A.I.M. Lab_

Simmons: I can't understand why Captain Cook wants us to find out about why these Terrigen Crystals give powers?

Fitz: Maybe so he can get a power. Imagine if Inhumans worked for A.I.M. they would be unstoppable, Simmons.

Simmons: I know, Fitz. But that makes me think.

Fitz: What?

Simmons: Maybe we should refuse to do this, it's better than having A.I.M. take over the world. They'll probably just force us to do more work like this for them.

Fitz: We can't Simmons, for our friends sake.

Simmons: But Fitz, think of the children. All of the people A.I.M. could hurt with power like that.

Fitz: They'll manage. Have for millennia.

Simmons: What about the monkeys, Fitz?

Fitz: The... monkeys?

Simmons: Yes, all those innocent monkeys A.I.M. could control if they had an army of Inhumans.

Fitz: Err, fine I'll think of something. I don't want A.I.M. messing with anyone, especially not the monkeys.

Simmons: Thank you. I personally like Flamingos more though.

Fitz slowly looks up, giving Simmons the evil eye.

 _Meanwhile, Trip and Peter are back in the cages._

Trip: These cages again, come on! We're not hamsters.

Peter: Yeah, we definitely are not!

Scientist: You are to me...

Peter: Is, that a compliment?

Trip: No.

Scientists: You two know why you are being brought here?

Trip: No.

Scientist: Because you passed the tests, you know why?

Trip: NO!

Peter: Will you quit saying that? Don't say it again!

Scientist: You see, Antoine Triplett and Peter Pott.

Peter: What?

Scientist: Despite your, failures in the physical testing, and the mental for that matter, you still exhibit one valuable trait.

Trip: I really do not care.

Scientist: You remain the same throughout being put under the influence of our technology. We can train you to be better physically and mentally, but we can't for resistance to side effects, that you are born with. I'm happy to say, you two passed.

Peter: Yippie.

Trip: So, what happens now?

Scientist: We move forward with our plans. (Gets on Walkie Talkie) Cookie, the hamsters passed.

Captain Cook: Finally! Someone calls me by my chosen nickname!

 _At the Store, a fight breaks out._

The S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents go against the Hydra Agents.

Skye: You suck when you can't look like May.

Kara: Bite me, Tremors!

May: That name is only used exclusively for Mack.

Skye quakes the whole store.

Coulson is fighting Bakshi through the Arts and Craft section of the store.

Coulson: I'm a trained S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent, I've eaten goons like you for breakfast.

Coulson takes some glue and squeezes it on Bakshi's shirt.

Bakshi just looks at him.

Coulson:... I've got nothing.

Bakshi: I do!

Bakshi takes a paint brush and smacks Coulson in the gut with it.

May helps Kara fight off Skye.

May: What are you doing Skye, advocating for an A.I.M. tyrant betrays the ideals of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Skye: But working for a Hydra maniac doesn't?

Coulson fights back and knocks Bakshi near them.

May: I was taking the better of two evils, A.I.M. doesn't need more help!

Skye: After all Ward has done? You should know he isn't the better option here, May!

Everyone stops fighting.

Bakshi:... Lola, you're a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent?

May: Uh, no. People just call me, "May" sometimes, you know the nickname I got in college.

Bakshi: Really?

May: Oh, what the hell, most of us here know anyway.

May takes off her wig.

May: Yes, I am Agent Melinda May and I originally was going undercover in Hydra. But I came back to help Ward, but these buffoons didn't.

Skye: HEY! We only tried to help A.I.M. so Hydra, our enemies for years wouldn't be in power. Even though Ward is totally going to be redeemed one of these days.

Coulson: Minus the nonsense at the end, Skye is completely right. We never truly had intentions of keeping Captain Cook in power.

Kara: Neither did we with Ward.

Coulson: What do you mean?

May: We wanted to overthrow him, then let S.H.I.E.L.D. come in and take over the election and Hydra. Kind of brilliant, isn't it?

Bakshi: We were going to turn on him, got to say, I have been way more surprised before.

Skye: Since Ward is probably still at the Hydra base, why don't we just confront him now, and you guys being his Agent can take over the campaign while we interrogate him and dismantle Hydra, it works so well.

Kara: Fine by me, I used to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent and Ward stabbed me. I've been wanting to get even with that punk for months now.

Coulson: To the Hydra Mobile.

The S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra Agents take the Mobile to the Secret/obvious headquarters to confront Ward.

They all get into the building.

Ward: Bakshi, Kara, what are you two doing here?

Coulson & Skye walk out.

Skye: They came to their senses, and decided to help us finish you!

Ward: Skye, Coulson? (To Bakshi, Kara) You two double crossed me?

May comes out without her Lola makeup.

May: I helped them out too.

Ward: Lola, come on!? You were Agent May?

May: I was indeed. Get him.

Coulson bashes Ward against the wall by the throat with his forearm, and takes out a pistol.

Ward: No, please. I just had my eyebrows done amazingly.

Kara: That was two months ago, pretentious D-bag.

Coulson: We won Ward. It's over.

Ward: Wait! Before you take me into prison, or splatter my brains across this room.

Bakshi: Nasty!

Ward: I have to know why you went undercover in S.H.I.E.L.D. Just to take me down, my election?

Coulson: No, not that.

Ward: Than what?

May: Because were looking for Agent Trip, he's been missing for weeks now and we really wanted to find him.

Skye: I completely forgot about that. Never actually found him, or heard back from Bobbi and Hunter for that matter.

Ward: Trip is missing. Last time I checked my tabs on A.I.M. he was with Captain Cook. I might know where he is.

Coulson: Talk, Ward!

Ward: I sometimes send Bakshi and Kara over to the locations of A.I.M. bases, where they take pictures, listen in, all that jazz. That's how we knew Trip was being taken to one of them by Captain Cook himself.

Coulson: And?

Ward: And we kept hearing some name uttered by the A.I.M. leaders and the Boss man, "Project Autumn".

Kara: More like what I heard from them. Thanks for the credit Hydra boss.

Skye (To Ward): Project Autumn, what's that?

Ward: I don't know. But we both have beef with A.I.M. and even though we're on different sides Trip is my friend. We can work together and try to find them.

May: He knows where the base is. It also doesn't look like he has much of a choice with the matter.

Coulson: Fine.

He lets go of Ward.

Skye: One step closer to redemption Ward. Good job!

Skye hugs Ward.

Ward: Please, don't make me regret this.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Fitz and Simmons are still working on finding out about the Terrigen Crystals.

Simmons: See anything, Fitz?

Fitz: Mostly just shards of Kree crystals.

Simmons: Well, that's mostly a given.

Fitz (sarcastically): Haha.

Simmons: Wait, I found something. I think I know why these give Inhumans Supernatural abilities.

Fitz: How do they do it, Simmons?

Simmons: The crystals have little pieces of organic beings inside of them which if connected to a Human tissue in just the right code will give powers. But if the code isn't big enough they turn to stone, like you saw when non-Inhumans try to touch it.

Fitz: But why can it only work on those who were experimented on with Inhumans genes?

Simmons: Ah, a good question. The Inhuman genes give bigger codes that they can connect to, which is why they get powers and needed it through experiments by the Kree.

Aldrich Killian walks in, with Spencer and Greggie by his side.

Aldrich: Very good, Jemma Simmons: You're both very smart when you work together.

Fitz: You! The fake Mandarin guy? You're behind all this, why?

Aldrich: I'm the leader of A.I.M., Fitz. Who did you expect?

Simmons: We're not doing anything for you.

Aldrich: You don't have to do anything else. I listened in on your convo and understand how this all works, our plans will still be going in order, as expected.

Aldrich takes the Crystal with a special gloved hand and walks out.

Aldrich: Spencer, watch these two.

Spencer: Of course, Boss.

Aldrich walks out, while Spencer guards him.

Simmons: You won't get away with this!

Aldrich (Camera Close up): I already have!

 _All New, Next Time_

 _The Agents are going to war._

 _They all grab guns from the Hydra arsenal._

 _Coulson: It's time we confronted A.I.M. and saved our own._

 _Skye: This selection is lame!_

 _Ward: Yeah, I've been trying to go to the weapons store for ages now, but I've been so lazy._

 _Trip and Peter are tied up to experimental tables._

 _Scientist: Have you ever heard of Project Autumn?_

 _Peter: Nope._

 _Scientist: Again, rhetorical question._

 _Fitz and Simmons are stuck in the lab with Spencer._

 _Fitz (To Spencer): So, do you like Board Games?_

 _Spencer: No._

 _Simmons: Who doesn't like Board Games?_

 _While the finale goal is beginning to immense._

 _Aldrich Killian and Captain Cook are looking at a container full of serum in the middle of a huge laboratory._

 _Aldrich: This is what we've been working for Captain Cook, all in this container._

 _Captain Cook: What "we've been working for" looks icky._

 _Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Next Time._


	12. Aiming for Freedom

**The following contains possible spoilers for the most recent episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and other Marvel Cinematic Universe films, it might also contain some (slightly) offensive jokes, though is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I am not related to the Cast, Crew or anyone involved with Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC, or Marvel Entertainment. With that said, viewer discretion is advised.**

Episode 12: Aiming for Freedom

The S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents are hanging out together in the lounge.

Hunter: Anyone want to play darts with me?

Mack: Not really.

Hunter: Why not?

Mack: Because we're not college kids hanging out in an inner-city bar.

Hunter: Darn it, what do you think we should do then?

Bobbi: We can play cards again.

Skye: No!

Coulson screams

May: Who got pranked this time?

Coulson runs out of his office.

Coulson: You won't believe what I just heard?

All (deadpan): What?

Coulson: I was checking to see when we all could finally have that X-Men crossover episode I've always been dreaming about, but than I found out they aren't in this universe!? What's up with that!?

Skye: Uh,... sir?

Coulson: What!?

Bobbi: The X-Men haven't been part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe for years now, didn't you know the Cinematic rights were owned by Fox?

Coulson: I thought those all took place in this universe, I had to check everything after the timeline changed in Days of Future Past, that was all for nothing?

Fitz: Apparently so.

Simmons: Look on the bright side, we get to focus on less popular Marvel characters like Iron Man and Captain America now.

Coulson: Screw them! I want Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm and Professor Xavier! How long has this grave injustice been occurring!?

Skye: Pretty much since Iron Man.

Coulson: I need to sit down, Trip, get me a computer. I need to write some Looney Tunes fanfiction.

Trip gets Coulson a computer.

Trip: You doing a smutty one?

Coulson: You bet. Want to read once I'm done?

Trip: I'd rather eat a pinecone... covered in acid!

Hunter (To Coulson): If it helps, I wasn't too sure about it all either, glad this happened so I can pretend I knew the whole time!

Trip: With razor blades coming out of it!

Coulson: So, there are a bunch of Marvel properties that don't exist in our shared universe?

Skye: Yeah, Sony had Spider-Man for awhile too, just recently changed.

Coulson: Makes sense, he sort of did just _appear_ out of nowhere.

Bobbi: I noticed that too, just one day everyone acted like he always existed.

Coulson: Well, I should take comfort Marvel has 100% control of the Fantastic Four, their first family.

Mack: About that...

Bobbi: Don't.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Bobbi, Hunter, FitzSimmons, and Mack are taken to the A.I.M. headquarters

Peter: We got some company.

Trip (To Hunter, Bobbi, and Mack): What are you guys doing here?

Hunter: Now, that, is a funny story.

Bobbi: Groan.

Captain Cook walks in.

Captain Cook: Scientists, come with me.

Fitz: I'm going to have to poop in a towel again, aren't I?

Simmons and Fitz go with Captain Cook to the A.I.M. Lab.

Captain Cook: You two nutcrackers may be fun to goof around with, but you're smart. Find out why these Terrigen Crystals give Inhumans their powers.

Fitz (To Simmons): Did he just call us "nutcrackers"?

Simmons: It just hit me, Inhumans are the MCU's X-Men.

Trip, Mack, Bobbi, Hunter and Peter just played a game of dodgeball.

Mack: How is this science?

Scientist: It just is, Trip and Peter come with me.

Trip and Peter are set in another laboratory.

Scientist: You've proven your ability to be unaffected by our technology, which means you are proper subjects.

Trip: "Proper"?

Skye and Coulson are making propaganda posters.

Coulson: What do you think?

Skye: It, well, sucks.

Coulson: Oh really, I worked so hard on it.

Skye: Why don't we go to the store and see if the cashier can help us. She's awesome with this stuff.

May, Ward, Bakshi and Kara are at the Hydra Building.

May (To Ward): You're down in the polls.

Ward: Make some of those propaganda posters for my campaign, those really helped drag me down, thanks to those S.H.I.E.L.D. buffoons.

Kara: I'll go with you May, because I've shown to be totally loyal to you, Ward, my master.

Ward (Reading the news): Fine by me.

Skye and Coulson bump into May and the Hydra Agents at the store.

Bakshi: Charge!

Coulson takes him out with a punch.

Skye quakes Kara, while her and May duke it out.

May: I give up. It's me Melinda May, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., and I'm planning on stopping Ward.

Coulson: We want that too. Why don't we go to the Hydra Building and kick his butt?

Skye: Great idea, sir.

The S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra Agents go to the Base.

They confront Ward.

Ward: You guys were originally looking for Trip? I might actually know where he is.

Bakshi: I completely forgot that guy ever existed.

Skye (To Bakshi): Look who's talking, mister only around for Season 2!

Coulson: You can help us?

Ward: Yeah, we can work together. We both dislike A.I.M. and want to help Trip, why not?

They decide to let him go.

In the A.I.M. base FitzSimmons found out what makes Terrigen Crystals able to give Inhumans powers.

Simmons: It's tiny microorganic beings inside the crystals that attach to a gene that Inhumans can easily attach to.

Aldrich Killian walks in.

Aldrich: So, you two figured out what gives these powers, good job. My plans are further in motion.

Fitz: What are your plans?

Aldrich (To Fitz): I can't tell you, not now.

Aldrich is about to leave.

Aldrich: Spencer, watch these two for now.

Spencer: Got it, boss.

And now...

 _Coulson, May, Skye, Bakshi, Kara and Ward_

 _Location: Hydra Headquarters... there are a lot of names in that caption._

Ward: So, are we actually going to confront A.I.M. together?

May: No, we all just set up one big practical joke, knowing everything you would say and do, and that you would question us on it at this very moment. We have no intention of confronting the people who kidnapped our Agents and long been enemies of our agency, that sound about right to you, huh?

Ward: Well... you aren't nice.

May: What else is new?

Coulson: I don't know how we're going to do this, Ward. A.I.M. is an entire science organization with an arms guard division, and we're six S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra Agents. It doesn't take a genius to know we're outnumbered here

Ward: I know, and I have a plan. A weapon's cache for a mission like this. Some of Hydra's most advanced and top secret technology, it will all be at our disposal.

Skye: Awesome. Where is it?

Ward: I will show you.

Ward goes over a Giant Door with a sign over it that says " _NOT A WEAPON'S CACHE"_

Coulson: Nobody, I mean literally _nobody_ is going to be fooled by that.

Bakshi: But it says it's "not" a weapon's cache, that means there are no weapons in there.

Coulson just looks at Bakshi, and then back at the door.

Ward just opens it.

Skye: They don't even have a lock for it?

Ward turns on the lights and takes out a huge container.

Ward: Brace your eyes, S.H.I.E.L.D. peasants.

Skye: Is that the weapon in there?

Ward: Sure is.

Skye: That is... wow.

May: Very impressive.

Coulson: Indeed.

Ward opens the container only to reveal a bunch of small pistols in it.

Skye: Oh, you've got to be kidding me?

Ward: These little guys are classics, they'll get the job done.

Kara: Those won't do, Ward! We need _bigger_... no _powerful_ guns, ones that can really put a dent in A.I.M.'s plans.

Ward: We have some other weapons in the public room.

May: Of course you do.

Ward: Also, on the topic of Kara, you should wear this!

Ward hands Kara her shifting mask.

Kara: You have got to be kidding?

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

FitzSimmons & Spencer

Location: A.I.M. Lab... how many of these are there?

Fitz and Simmons are sitting around.

Spencer is guarding the door.

Simmons: How long is he going to just stand there?

Fitz: What do you expect him to do? Sit down and start eating an pear.

Spencer sits down and starts eating a pear.

Fitz:.. don't say it.

Simmons: I wasn't going to.

Fitz:...

Simmons:... nice guess Fitz!

Fitz: Why you!

Spencer: Hey, quite over there. I'm trying to eat this pear in peace.

Simmons: Why do you want us to find out what gives Inhumans powers anyway?

Spencer: None of your business, nerd.

Simmons: Hey, that was rude. Jock!

Fitz (To Simmons): That isn't really an insult.

Simmons (To Fitz): Whatever.

Fitz: Why can't you tell us, you're obviously not going to let us free after this, so why not let us know what we were working for?

Spencer: Alright, you want to know why we wanted you to find out about those Crystals?

Simmons: We... just asked?

Spencer: To give powers, we want to create an army of superhumans. One like the Inhumans, except with our loyal soldiers that can be controlled. With the except for two...

Fitz: Two?

Spencer: Oh, yes, two. There are two special ones that we use the most advanced experiments on, the ones who can really handle it. We call it Project Autumn.

It fads to Trip and Peter in the A.I.M. Testing room.

Trip: Oh crap, my strap is too tight.

Peter: Mine is too cold. Why do they use metal for these things? Anything else would've worked fine.

The Scientist walks in.

Scientist: Sorry that took so long, boys. I was, well just feeling kind of lazy. Let's begin the final testing.

Peter: The really final test? Like, the final of the final tests?

Scientist: That one indeed. First, we need to inject you with this. Well, not inject, more like, you'll see.

The Scientist gives Peter & Trip an oversized Baby bottles.

Scientist: You need to drink from these bottles.

Trip: This guy is mad. Now we have to drink from baby bottles in this place. Are you sure this is science and not just a college prank?

Scientist: I'm sure.

 _Trip, Hunter and Bobbi_

 _Location: A.I.M. Bathroom - Showers_

Mack: I'm glad the A.I.M. folks are letting us take a shower after that game of dodgeball.

Bobbi (To Mack): Hush! I'm trying to listen to Hunter.

Hunter: The snack that smiles back, Goldfish. What am I singing, Bobbi?

Bobbi: Let me guess, The Goldfish song.

Hunter: Dang, you always know, don't you?

Bobbi: I guess it's just a hidden talent. _Rolls Eyes_

Hunter: How about this, (Singing) _Fairly Odd Parents, duh_!

Mack: Hey Hunter, shut up. Get some soap on my back.

Hunter: Sorry Mack, I'll get right to it.

Hunter takes the soap and cleans Mack's back.

Mack: How are we going to get out of here?

Bobbi: Beats me. We have A.I.M. Guards everywhere. Even in the shower with us.

Hunter looks behind him to see an A.I.M. guard standing _in_ with him.

A.I.M Guard: Keep washing.

Hunter: Sorry.

Bobbi: Now when I think of it, maybe we shouldn't be plotting our escape with them looking at us like that.

Mack: That sounds smart.

Bobbi: Because it is.

A.I.M. Guard: Stop talking already and clean yourselves. Go!

 _Coulson, Skye, Kara, May, Ward and Bakshi_

 _Location: The Hydra Mobile - driving the A.I.M. Headquarters... how they plan to get to a top secret base with an overglorified Minivan. The world may never know._

Coulson, May, Skye and Bakshi are sitting in the back.

With Kara shotgun and Ward driving.

Coulson: This car smells like grapes. Am I the only one who smells grapes?

Skye (To Ward): Where exactly are we going?

Ward: To the A.I.M. base, to get Trip and the other Agents you got captured, doofus, remember?

Skye: I mean, where _is_ the A.I.M. base?

Ward: Oh, just in this forest.

Skye: Now for the waiting game.

Kara:...

May:...

Coulson:...

Ward:...

Bakshi:... I'm bored.

Coulson: What do you want us to do Mr. Bakshi, we still have a long drive.

Bakshi: Let's play a game.

Skye: Duck, duck goose?

Coulson: In a car?

Skye: That won't work, will it?

May (quietly): No.

Ward: There's no need for any of that. We're here.

Everyone looks out to see a giant fortress in the middle of the forest.

May: How did nobody find this?

Ward: They have a cloaking device.

Coulson: It's just off now?

Kara: No, silly. We have an Anti-cloaking device.

Kara shows Coulson the switch, she turns it off and the building disappears.

Ward: We need to send someone in. Distract the security on the outside.

Coulson: Who?

Ward: I was thinking... maybe a certain Jamaican could return?

Coulson: Maybe...

Ward: I even got your rainbow blanket and dreadlock wig.

Coulson: Fine. I just hope they buy the idea of a lost Jamaican guy in the forest.

Coulson goes to the A.I.M. base dressed as _Khenan Karlton_

Coulson (Khenan) walks up to the Guards at the front.

Coulson: S'cuse me fams? Is this da way to da surf hut?

A.I.M. Guard: Who the hell is this guy?

Other A.I.M. Guard: There's no surf place around here "fam", now get lost!

Coulson: Oh but dats the thing you see, I wasn't looking for a surf resort, ya see?

A.I.M Guard: What?

Coulson: I was looking (Regular accent) for this!

Coulson takes out two ices and gets rid of the guards.

All the other Guards stair at him. They release their weapons.

Coulson: Crap. Probably should've thought through that a little bit more.

Suddenly the Hydra Mobile busts into the base.

Kara (To Coulson): Well, you had one job. Act like a clueless Jamaican, what you're good at.

Coulson: Sorry, I got excited and thought I could take those two. Technically, I did.

Kara: Whatever, just get in now.

 _Meanwhile, in the A.I.M. Locker room... It has a locker room too? God, how big is this place?_

Bobbi: This is the longest shower I've ever had.

Hunter: Not for me. I once beat the world record for longest showering, no, actually that might have been longest time _not_ showering.

Mack gags.

Bobbi: Surprised they let us prisoners just use their facilities like this.

Mack: Don't forget the guards Bobs.

The guards are still standing in with them.

Hunter: I don't even think those guns are waterproof...

The hydra Mobile busts in to the Locker Room, knocking all the guards out as Ward jumps of the vehicle.

Ward: Someone hire the A-team?

He winks at the camera. Everyone stairs at him.

Ward: What? None of you know what the A-Team is?

Bobbi: We do, but that reference makes no sense. And that isn't even a real quote!

Ward: It's because... we're a team... and we came to save you... like the A-Team do... you guys suck!

Ward walks off. Coulson, Skye, May, Kara and Bakshi follow him.

Mack: You're just leaving... without us... hello?

They all leave without them.

Bobbi: Better question, why are they working with Ward, Kara and Bakshi suddenly? We missed a lot playing that stupid dodgeball game. Poop!

 _Meanwhile in the Lab_

Fitz and Simmons playing chess with different beakers.

Fitz: I wonder how much longer Spencer is going to make us stay in here.

Simmons: I know! I want some answers from Aldrich, he's the one who made us look into those Terrigen Crystals anyway. Check.

Fitz: But he is a super villain, and those guys don't always give straight answers.

Simmons: Let's not forget the pronoun game people kept playing with him, just so his identity would be hidden. Check.

Fitz: Maybe Spencer will spill the beans.

Simmons: Not likely. Remember we asked him? He's not saying anything without Aldrich's get-go first. Check.

Fitz: Than I guess this is going to take awhile. Atleast we have our games.

Simmons: You can say that again. Checkmate.

Fitz: Wait, is the flask my king? I thought that was the pawn!

Simmons: In the middle-back row?

Fitz: I thought we were playing hipster chess where all the pieces are reversed. That's why I didn't move any of my pawns, I thought they were all kings.

Spencer is looking a camera.

He sees Skye, May, Coulson, Kara and Ward watching Bakshi try to squeeze on an A.I.M. Uniform.

Spencer: We've got intruders. (To FitzSimmons) Stay put!

Spencer walks out the door with his Night-Night gun.

 _The S.H.I.E.L.D./Hydra crew_

Bakshi keeps trying to squeeze the A.I.M. Guard uniform on.

Bakshi: I can't get this on.

Skye: Sunil, let's go! We need get into those A.I.M. costumes to blend in and rescue our folks.

Bakshi: She just called me Sunil, no one has ever called me that. Maybe I should try unzipping the back first.

Ward: You didn't unzip the back when you were trying it on?

Bakshi: Sometimes I forget...

Coulson: We need to get moving soon. Who knows what kind of twisted things the A.I.M. Scientists are doing to innocent S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents as we speak!

Spencer is sneaking in the hallway. He gets out his Personal Radio.

Spencer (To Radio): Greggie, the S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra folks teamed up and are invading the base. Come back me up.

Greggie: Sure thing, just let me finish this important paper work.

Greggie is playing Farmville on Facebook.

Greggie: If my crops die I am going to go all Lash on that fool.

He walks down the stairs.

Back in the hallway, Spencer confronts the teams.

Spencer: A-ha!

May: Ha-a!

Everyone stairs at May.

May: It sounded cooler in my head.

Spencer: I've got you all right where I want you. Now give up, so we can turn you into experiments!

Spencer gets on his personal radio.

Spencer (To Aldrich): We've got some intruders in here. S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra Agents

Aldrich: Why are you talking to me and not finding them, nitwit!?

Spencer: Oh, good point, sir.

Spencer looks up, they're all gone.

Spencer: That's annoying. Where's Greggie?

Aldrich Killian in his office sends an alert to all the stations.

Aldrich (Intercom): We have intruders in the building, this is not a drill. Intruders are in the building. Any soldier who finds them will be rewarded considerably by me. Also, Bob we all know it was you who clogged the toilet at the Potluck.

 _In the Lab_

Scientist: They might disrupt my important research.

Trip: Exactly. Now someone will stop your insanity. For pete's sake, you're making Peter drink out a giant baby bottle.

Peter: It's actually kind of nice if you treat the test table like a giant crib.

Trip: What?

Scientist: I have to start my main experiments on you both now. Tell me, Mr. Pott? Do you want to be fast again?

The Scientist takes some chemicals out of Spider and mixes it with a vile of Terrigen Crystal extract.

Peter: Uh, yeah. Being fast was awesome.

Scientist: Good.

The Scientist puts a needle right in Peter's face.

Trip: Right in the face. Really?

 _Bobbi, Hunter and Mack are dressed and out of the locker room_

Hunter: A.I.M. has great soap. My pits have never smelled better.

Bobbi: Cool story, bro.

Hunter: Don't believe me? Smell 'em, tell me is that good or what!?

Hunter tries to put his pits near Bobbi.

Bobbi: Ew, stop!

Mack: Guys, we have to find the team. Don't know why they just abandoned us, but we need to get out of here. This is our chance.

Bobbi: He has soldiers looking for us now, didn't you hear the intercom?

Mack: That's why we have to move. Now, let's go you two.

Hunter: This is really weird.

They all walk through the hallway until they see Greggie.

Hunter: The guy who stole my Trumpet. What do you want?

Greggie: I'm here to stop you intruders.

Bobbi: You can try, but I tend to go _extra_ hard on those who betray me.

Hunter: As opposed to villains that don't?

Bobbi: Yeah.

Mack: So, you only care about the bad guy if they personally hurt you? That's just not very heroic, Agent Morse.

Bobbi: Well, I was saying how...

Greggie tries to Kung Fu chop Bobbi, he misses.

The three of them fight. Greggie is overwhelmed, because he is not a good fighter.

Greggie: Why did they get me involved in this? I just joined for the Dental insurance.

Bobbi: It's over Greggie, now tell us where our team is?

Greggie: I don't know, I'm not keeping tabs on them.

Mack: You don't tell us something important, I'm going to make an Omelette out of you.

Hunter (To Mack): That's just gross.

Greggie: Okay, okay! I can tell you guys where Aldrich is!

Bobbi: Who?

Greggie: Aldrich Killian, he's running everything. I can tell you where he is, so you and S.H.I.E.L.D. can stop him. Be heroes, get the respect you guys want so badly.

Bobbi: Fine, where is he?

Greggie: There's a secret elevator floor.

Bobbi: There is no elevator in this building. It's freaking annoying.

Greggie: No, there is. It's at the very end of that super long hallway where the only bathrooms are. On it if you press 1, than 2, than 1 again it will take you to his tower. But be careful, Aldrich is really powerful.

Mack: We've handled worse. Besides, that guy deserves a beat down for screwing up the Mandarin.

Greggie: You'll never make it. We're on our way to making advanced humans, a whole army of them.

Hunter: Well, that's awfully convenient for them.

 _Bakshi and Kara are hiding in the air vent._

Kara: Move Bakshi! We need to get out of here!

Bakshi: What about Ward?

Kara: Screw him. This will be our revenge, finally. Leaving him here with the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents and A.I.M. My two enemies getting what they deserve. I could sing!

Bakshi: Second enemy? Who's that?

Kara: May! She's the one who I kept fighting with. Something about stealing her identity or something. Besides, she tricked me into getting hurt by Ward, she needs her punishment too.

Bakshi: Look! Down there, it's the way out.

Kara and Bakshi jump down the Vent to the front door.

Bakshi: Let's get out of here.

Bakshi tries to open the door.

Kara: Why aren't you opening the door, let's go!

Bakshi: I can't. It must be locked from the inside. I need an A.I.M. Agent key card to get through.

Kara: Really? That's stupid. Go get a key card from that guy in the other room.

An A.I.M. Guard is sitting in the other room... guarding.

Bakshi: Why can't you? Just shapeshift to look like Captain Cook or something!

Kara: I have to keep guard in case someone comes in here, just go Sunil.

Bakshi: I can't! Wait, you just called me Sunil too? Why is everyone saying that now? Anyway, it makes me scared doing covert missions.

Kara: You're a chicken!

Bakshi: Am not!

Kara: Yes, you are.

Bakshi: Who am I kidding, I really am.

Bakshi sits down a conveniently placed chair.

Bakshi: When I was in the army, they used to steal my Flap Jacks at lunch. I was such a chicken they called me "Sunil Bak-bakshi".

Kara; It's okay... but that name is kind of awesome.

Bakshi: I was a chicken then, I'm a chicken now. I can't do this, Kara.

Kara: We'll figure this out. Just calm down, coming here and doing this mission with us makes you brave. I'm sorry for calling you that.

Bakshi: It's fine, thank you.

Suddenly, they see something zooming by very quickly.

Bakshi: What the hell was that?

Suddenly something extremely fast bursts into the room.

Kara: Who is this?

 _May, walking with an A.I.M. uniform on_

May walks through the lounge with a bunch of A.I.M. Soldiers

May: Morning.

A.I.M. Agent: It's the afternoon!

May gets coffee and walks out of there.

May: Where would the others have gone?

She tries to drink the coffee, spilling it on her mask.

May: Where, oh where.

She comes across a door.

May: Maybe here?

May opens the door to see FitzSimmons arguing over their chess game.

Simmons: No, the pawn can't move diagonally. Those are the bishops!

Fitz: Than why can Pawns only get other pieces moving _diagonally?_ Doesn't make much sense, does it Simmons?

Simmons: I'm not having this argument with you, Fitz.

Fitz: Well then I won't play board games with you anymore. (To May) Who are you?

May takes off her mask.

May: It's time to escape, what are you doing in here?

Simmons: We were held hostage by A.I.M. when they took down the Globemaster and made us do an experiment involving giving soldiers powers.

May: I never knew it was that bad. What did they make you two do?

Fitz: We worked on Terrigen Crystals and found out why they gave those Inhumans powers. Now, Aldrich knows how to make an army of pseudo-Inuman A.I.M. soldiers!

May: Wait, Aldrich? As in Aldrich Killian?

Simmons: Yes, May. He's leading A.I.M. through all of this.

May: This just keeps getting better and better, let's go I got split up from the others awhile back.

 _Coulson, Ward and Skye... standing in some hallway corner._

They're all being silent.

Ward (Whispering): We can't just stand here.

Coulson: Why not?

Ward: Wasn't the whole point of this mission to find Trip?

Coulson: Good point. Let's get a move on.

Skye: This place is humongous. How will we find him?

Ward: We have to look don't we?

Spencer: Maybe you should've before?

Skye, Ward and Coulson look at Spencer.

Skye: Wha-wha-what!? How did you find us?

Spencer: You were "hiding" in the middle of a hallway, it wasn't too hard really.

Skye quakes him while Ward puts him a headlock.

Coulson: That was easy. Talk Spencer, where is Trip?

Spencer: We aren't that easy, S.H.I.E.L.D. peasants!

Ward: Hey! That's my quote!

Spencer overpowered Ward and throws him over into Skye.

Coulson and Spencer than fight.

Ward struggles and helps Skye up.

Coulson gets overpowered too while Spencer is punching him on the ground.

Spencer: You've got nothing on me, oaf!

Coulson tries to grab Spencer with his hand, and actually crushes his eye with his thumb. His Robotic hand.

Coulson: Huh, forgot I had that.

Coulson than grabs Spencer by the throat and throws him across the room into the wall, he's beaten down.

Ward: Never thought I would be happy about that hand.

Coulson (To Ward): Touche. How's Skye?

Skye: I'm fine, just a little tumbled is all.

Ward: I tried to help her.

Skye: Yes, yes Ward did. Because he loves me. Helping us fight the bad guys and helping the girl when she's hurt. _Gets up_ You're on your way to becoming a great man, Ward.

Skye leaves into the next room, closing the door. She opens it coming out shortly after.

Skye: Janitor's closet. That's a lot less epic.

Ward: Yeah, can we get moving?

Coulson: I would like that.

Skye: Same.

They all get moving to the other door.

They run into Hunter, Bobbi & Mack.

Skye: You guys again?

Bobbi: Yeah, you know the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents who you left behind. Thanks a lot!

Hunter: She's kind of in a bad mood because her pits don't smell as good as mine do!

Mack (To Hunter): Shut up about that. (To Other Agents) We've got some news for you.

Ward: You know where Trip is?

Mack: No. But we do how to find the _guy_ who's behind all this.

Coulson: How do we?

Mack: Go to the elevator over there and press 1,2,1 in order on the elevator dial, it will take you to his secret area.

Skye: Let's not waste anytime.

Ward: Still have to save Trip.

Skye: If we stop A.I.M. and it's leader we can save Trip and both of our organizations.

Ward: Good point.

They all head to the elevator.

Coulson (To Bobbi, Hunter, Mack): You three stay here. Keep guard for if Spencer or anyone else shows up, or help the other Agents.

Bobbi: Another menial role, awesome.

The other three get into the Elevator and press the buttons. They're going up.

In the Elevator Black Sabbath is playing.

Ward: This is strange music to have in an elevator. Must be a fan. Good for him.

Coulson: Preach.

Skye: Groan.

The Elevator reaches it Apex and they exit into the main office. Aldrich is sitting on his desk chair looking out of the window.

Aldrich: Isn't it amazing?

Skye: What is?

Aldrich: How futile the very petals of existence are. Look at this forest, how it all burns to the ground and grows back, without any say or suggestion, it just does. Imagine if humanity were the same? Would there be wars? Genocide? Or would we all go together in the collective good and save not just ourselves, but the planet we inhabit? All our problems could disappear, just like a ember inside a flaming forest, floating, and floating, and floating away.

Ward: What the hell are you talking about?

Aldrich: Honestly, no idea. I just wanted to sound like a deep & philosophical villain. _The chair turns around._ It didn't work.

Coulson: Aldrich Killian?

Ward: Iron Man's enemy?

Skye: You're the leader of A.I.M.?

Aldrich: Yes.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Trip is tied up. The Scientist is brewing another potion.

Scientist: Alright, finished. Now Triplett, I shall be able to grand you abilities like your friend.

Trip: Just don't corrupt my mind too! I don't want to be some Winter Soldier 2.0

Scientist: Too bad. When have I ever cared about you wanted, Trip?

Trip: Drats!

May opens the door, with FitzSimmons.

May: Stop right there!

Scientist: Who the hell are you?

May: Trip's co-worker.

Trip: Couldn't say friend? Really? Not cool, man.

May punches the Scientist.

Fitz and Simmons walk over to Trip.

Fitz: Trip, are you okay?

Trip: Yeah, I'm fine. Not too happy about being abandoned and all.

Simmons: Sorry about that. But you _did_ get sent away and we lost track of you.

Trip: It's fine, just get me out of here.

May escorts the three of them out with her.

May: Trip? Where's Peter?

Trip: He got experimented on, and his mind warped. He's... well...he's a monster now.

Simmons: Uh oh.

 _All New, Next Year_

 _The Midseason finale_

 _Skye, Coulson and Ward are fighting Aldrich Killian_

 _Aldrich: Give up Agents, you're nothing against my supreme power!_

 _Ward (Panting): Wow. For a guy who got beaten by Pepper Potts in Yoga Pants, he's actually kind of tough._

 _Skye: You can say that._

 _May: What happened to Peter?_

 _Trip: Trust me, you don't want to know!_

 _May: Just tell me!_

 _Bakshi and Kara are tied up to the wall._

 _Spencer is talking with Greggie._

 _Spencer: We need to finish those super soldiers. The S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents got us behind the schedule._

 _Greggie: Can I just check my crops on farmville?_

 _Spencer: NO!_

 _Mack, Bobbi and Hunter are guarding the hallway._

 _Bobbi:..._

 _Mack:..._

 _Hunter:... this is really boring._

 _Mack: Ditto._

 _Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., All New Next Time_


	13. War of Battles

**Part 1: Midseason Finale**

 **The following contains possible spoilers for the most recent episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and other Marvel Cinematic Universe films, it might also contain some (slightly) offensive jokes, though is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I am not related to the Cast, Crew or anyone involved with Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC, or Marvel Entertainment. With that said, viewer discretion is advised.**

 **This contains no spoilers for Star Wars.**

Episode 13: War of Battles

Coulson, Hunter, Bobbi, Mack and May are walking together.

May: I'm so excited to see the new Star Wars movie!

Coulson: You said it. I've been planning to see this for months, I legally changed my name to R2D2 Couslon just for this moment. Really awkward when I had to get my driver's license renewed though, totally worth it. Plus, with my connections I booked us tickets for a dinner afterwards with the Cast of the movie. It's gonna be tight y'all!

Hunter: I just hope there's more Jar Jar Binks, he's my favorite Star Wars character. Next to The Emperor and Chewbacca of course.

Hunter goes over to a someone in a Chewbacca costume

Hunter: Bobbi, that's a great costume.

Bobbi (On Hunter's other side): I'm over here!

The person takes off the costume revealing themself to be Mack.

Mack: You know Chewbacca's my favorite too!

Hunter: Oh, I could've sworn Bobbi came in a Chewbacca costume. She's got the body for it.

Bobbi is about to punch Hunter in the back of the head.

Mack: Where are Skye and Trip?

Coulson: Oh, they're Trekkies.

Bobbi: Really?

Coulson: Oh yeah, they're having a marathon of all the Star Trek movies back on the Globemaster, all twelve of them. It's going to be a long night.

May: What about FitzSimmons?

Coulson: Science fair.

May: They both got into a science fair?

Coulson: Oh, no. Two completely unrelated science fairs, they both got into their own ones. Fitz's Vinegar Volcano was awesome, and Simmons' Magnet didn't look too shabby either.

May: Okay... let's get the tickets I can't wait another second for Episode IIV! The sequel we've all been waiting for!

Coulson: We're checking in!

They all head into the theatre.

Coulson: We're buying the popcorn.

They all head into the Auditorium.

Coulson: We're finding our seats.

Bobbi: Are you going to narrate the whole night?

Coulson: Sorry. I'm so excited for the movie though!

Bobbi: So am I!

Coulson: A sequel to Return of the Jedi, who would've thought it could actually happen.

Mack: It kind of did happen... expanded universe and all but whatever.

Coulson: Oh come on, who reads those?

Mack: Thousands upon thousands of Star Wars fan.

Coulson:... stop being a prit and eat your Red Vines.

Two and a half hours later.

They all walk out.

Coulson: Wow...

Hunter: Wow is right!

Coulson: You guys all thought the same thing in there?

May: Definitely.

Mack: Without a doubt.

Bobbi: So, who is going to say it?

Coulson: I'm the Director, I'll do it. That was terrible. Like really, _really_ bad. Totally ruined Star Wars for me.

Everyone is staring at him.

Coulson: Why are you looking at me like a horse with a cyborg snout?

May: That movie... was awesome. Sir.

Mack: We all agreed.

Everyone nods with Mack.

Hunter: Yeah, with respect sir. You're delusional.

Coulson: Are you kidding me? You call that a good Star Wars movie... where do I begin.

Mack: It got everything right! Made me feel like a gitty little kid watching Star Wars again. You need to lighten up, sir.

Hunter: You said it, Mackkie!

Coulson: Wow, I guess I'm not a Star Wars fan to you anymore?

May: No, why don't you go hang out with Skye and Trip, the Trekkies if you think you're tastes as so much better than ours?

Coulson: You know what... I'm going to do just that.

Coulson takes out his phone.

Coulson: Hello Skye, yeah. I'm joining you guys tonight, which movie are you on?

Skye (Other line): Oh hey, Coulson. Yeah, we're totally down for one more Trekker in our midst. We're on The Next Generation movies now! Hope you like Jean Jacques Piccard!

Coulson: I'm going back guys, enjoy your dinner.

May: I joking about going with Skye and Trip, Coulson. Didn't think you would seriously be that petty.

Mack: Come on, you're leaving? Just because you didn't like the movie? That's bunk man.

Coulson (To Mack): No, it's not. What's bunk is that you actually used the word "bunk" to describe an unfavorable situations, what the hell does that even mean, Mack!?

Mack: You just said, in unfavorable situations.

Coulson: I'm going now, goodbye!

Bobbi: What do you want us to do with your ticket for the dinner?

Coulson: Figure it out.

They're all sitting at the dinner.

Hunter: This is awesome.

Ward: You really didn't have any one else you could bring to this?

Hunter: Don't you like eating Dim Sum with the Cast of Star Wars?

Ward: I guess kinda.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Trip and Peter get captured by A.I.M, then experimented on by the Scientist.

Scientist: We have a lot of plans for you two, now drink from this bottle.

Peter: It helps if you think the cage is a giant crib.

Trip: Gross.

The S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra Agents team up to infiltrate A.I.M. and save their Agents

Ward: To the Hydra Mobile.

One crappy overglorified minivan ride through a forest later.

Coulson: We made it to the base! Now, let's get in.

Coulson pretends to be _Khenan Karlton,_ Jamaican dude to distract the guards.

Coulson: Yo, let us in, fam.

A.I.M. Guard: Who is this guy?

Coulson: They're on to me, our cover is blown, fight!

They all fight their way into the base.

Bobbi, Hunter and Mack escape the A.I.M. Locker Room.

Hunter: My pits smell sensational.

Bobbi: Stop it, Hunter.

They also beat up Greggie.

Mack: Take that, fool.

Fitz and Simmons are working in the lab.

Spencer: You need to find out what gives Inhumans there powers, so we can create an army of them on our own

Fitz: We figured it out.

Simmons: But now they'll destroy the world with superpowered A.I.M. soldiers.

May breaks in and lets FitzSimmons out.

May: Let's go, we need to get Trip too.

They head into the lab and May knocks out the Scientist.

He is out cold.

Trip: He did something to Peter, fused him with a more _intense_ version of Spider. He's a monster now!

May: This just keeps getting better and better.

Kara and Bakshi try to break out of the building, they're held up by someone.

Kara: What kind of door locks from the _inside_?

Skye, Coulson and Ward fight Spencer and make it to the Elevator into Aldrich Killians office. When Bobbi, Hunter, and Mack catch up to them they guard it.

Coulson: Nice rock music in the elevator.

Ward: I agree.

Once they're there.

Aldrich: I'm trying to be deep and complex, is it working?

Skye: No.

Aldrich: Well, thanks for being honest. I'll have to give you a quick death

And now...

 _Skye, Coulson and Ward_

 _Location: A.I.M. - Highest Level - Aldrich's Office... why do the big baddies always have to have big showoff offices? It's a total give away for their location._

Ward: You're coming with us. Right now.

Aldrich: I don't think I want to.

Skye: You don't have a choice.

Skye tries to "quake" Aldrich Killian. Nothing happens to him.

He takes off his sports coat revealing he has "Quake proof" Vibranium vest under it.

Aldrich: I come prepared, Agent Skye.

Aldrich Killian does a backflip and breaks his desk in half

Aldrich: Come at me, S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents.

Coulson: What did that desk ever do to you?

Ward: Actually, I'm a Hydra...

Aldrich punches Ward.

Ward: Ugh!

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _In the hallway with FitzSimmons, May and Trip_

May: Any ideas where Peter might be?

Trip: How the hell should I know? I told you, the guy went haywire.

Fitz: The Scientist would've probably known.

May: I knew I shouldn't have knocked him out. Damn my fists of fury!

Simmons (To May): You can complain about your "fists of fury" another time! We have a lot of Agents to save, and bad guys to deal with!

May: The other Agents can take care of themselves. If what Trip said is true, and Peter is truly dangerous. We need to stop him.

Trip: Woah, woah, woah... we're walking into a dead-end hallway.

May looks and see all of them facing a wall.

May: _Groan_ Who designed this place!?

 _Bakshi and Kara_

 _Location: The door out... can't seem to actually open it though._

Both of them are being held up by a mystery man.

Bakshi: Easy now. Who is this guy?

Kara: I don't know, but he looks really fast.

The camera pans over revealing him to be... Peter Pott...

Peter: I'm finally fast again! Now I owe a little Scientist a favor. I'm sure he'll love two new pets.

Bakshi: Gulp.

Peter picks up two Hamsters.

Peter: They're so cute, I found them in the Lab and just know that Science guy will love them! Oh yeah, he'll also like you guys to experiment on too!

Kara: Over my shape shifted face.

Kara tries to fight Peter, who super quickly punches her and Bakshi in the stomach.

Bakshi: Ow, he's fast and strong.

Kara (To Bakshi): No. You're just weak!

Kara goes to punch Peter again, but he deflects it and punches he down... again.

Kara: Okay, maybe he is strong.

Peter really quickly ties them both up to the wall.

Peter: I should take you right to the Scientist, but I've got other instructions for my talents.

Peter zooms right off.

Kara: The Flash... that's who he reminds me of.

 _Bobbi, Hunter and Mack_

 _Location: Guarding the Elevator... always need some cheap place to put those three, eh writers?_

Hunter:...

Bobbi:...

Mack:...

Hunter:... I'm bored!

Mack: Why did we agree to guard this elevator again? And from whom?

Bobbi: I already said that! We're always stuck doing menial crap for the big guys.

Hunter: Correction Bobbi, you do, not us. We're in the big leagues, right Mackie?

Mack: Uh, no, Hunter. Bobbi is right, Coulson always makes us do the boring stuff. I want action, and right now.

Bobbi: Coulson, Skye and Ward are up there right now kicking Aldrich's ass, why don't we just ditch? Come back in a couple hours, they'll never know.

Mack: You know what, we should.

They all walk off.

Hunter: Let's go to the A.I.M. toy shop too! I want a M.O.D.O.K. plushie!

Meanwhile, the camera pans over to Spencer still knocked out, they were supposed to be watching _him_.

Spencer: What the... where am I? Spencer gets up.

Spencer: Crap, they must've beaten me and gone up to confront Aldrich. Who am I talking to?

Someone is calling Spencer on his Walkie Talkie.

Spencer: Who is this?

Greggie: It's me Greggie, the hell happened to you?

Spencer: I got in a fight with the S.H.I.E.L.D. & Hydra Agents, they knocked me out. I just re-gained consciousness.

Greggie: That so happened to me too! I've been up for like a half hour now.

Spencer: Greggie! Why didn't you do something to help the organization?

Greggie: I don't know, I didn't want my virtual crops to die so I got my computer and logged into Facebook. After doing that, I than I started stalking my ex-girlfriends, and than people I went to High School with, and than I did people at my work, I saw you! I remembered after that what my mission was, and now here we are!

Spencer:... I'm sorry... what? Just come meet me at the end of the hallway, near the elevator. We have to help Aldrich.

Greggie: And why should we do that when there are other enemy Agents here running Amok? Aldrich can take care of himself, let's go take them down. Than he'll be truly proud.

Spencer: That's a violation of our duty as A.I.M. .. you know that actually make sense.

Greggie: Now you go meet me in the middle of the hallway outside the gym in a little bit

Spencer: Deal!

 _Coulson, Ward and Skye - Fighting Aldrich Killian in the Top Office_

Coulson: Your reign of terror is over Aldrich Killian this ends now.

Coulson charges at him and Aldrich smacks him back.

Coulson: Oh, he's tough.

Ward: Together, come on!

Skye, Ward and Coulson charge towards him.

Aldrich: This is gonna be sweet.

They all start fighting about, landing good hits on each other.

All the S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra Agents are now on their asses.

They huddle up.

Ward: What the hell is going on guys? We're getting our asses handed to us.

Coulson: He's really tough. Like, super duper tough.

Skye: Yeah, and he keeps healing from all of my attacks. What are we gonna do?

Ward: Okay, I have a plan, we attack him, until he submits.

Coulson: Good plan.

Skye: Except I can't quake him, I barely know how to fight without it, I've been an Inhuman for so long it's weird to not have my power. Or, I do have it but it just isn't useful now.

Ward (To Skye): Shut it! (To everyone) Do we have a plan.

Aldrich: When are guys gonna be done be finished with the huddle? I've got a pilates appointment in a couple hours.

Ward (To Aldrich): Almost done!

Coulson: One more question.

Ward: _Sigh,_ what Coulson?

Coulson: When should I attack him?

Skye: Weren't we just going to attack him?

Ward: Yeah, your question just held us back even further.

Coulson: Fine. Let's attack now.

The Agents all jumps kicks and smack Aldrich.

Aldrich: Finally.

He breathes fire back at them. They just barely avoid it.

Skye: SINCE WHEN CAN HE BREATHE FLAMES!? That's freaking scary dude!

Ward: You've got a point there Skye, why did we agree to be the ones to fight him?

Coulson: We're the most competent members of our respective teams.

Ward: Pretty much.

 _Kara & Bakshi_

 _Location: The Door Out hallway... or the door in hallway, if you're an optimist._

Bakshi: He tied us up pretty good.

Kara: Ditto. I think it's constricting my veins. Look, my hands look like giant blueberries.

Bakshi: That's gross, but we need to find a way out of here.

Kara: How are we going to do it? We're tied up, and Peter looks pretty angry, and powerful.

Bakshi: I thought you had a plan.

Kara: Why would I have a plan?

Bakshi: Well, you're the resourceful one.

Kara: Well, that's true.

Bakshi: And I'm the pretty face of the group

Kara: No, Bakshi, just no.

Suddenly, someone opens the door and is walking in.

Bakshi: Uh oh.

It's Mack, Bobbi and Hunter.

Hunter: Look who we found. The bleeping Hydra Agents!

Kara: A little help here.

Bobbi: _Chuckles_ this is a little ironic.

Kara: Yeah, yeah me and Ward captured and tied you up. Now the roles are reversed and I'm tied up. Stop looking at the ironic parallels in these stories and just help me down

Bobbi: I don't actually think I will.

Kara: You're kidding?

Bobbi: No, I'm not

Mack (To Bobbi): We can't be like that Bobs.

 _Mack lets Kara down from her ties, Hunter helps Bakshi._

Mack: Who did this to you?

Kara: Peter Pott, the scientists here must've done something to him, because now he's like evil.

Mack: Peter Pott, evil, this is gonna be rough, I can feel it already.

 _Greggie and Spencer_

 _Location: Some other hallway... don't be too specific!_

Spencer meets up with Greggie.

Spencer: Greggie, how are you?

Greggie: Fine, could've been better. I had a little indigestion earlier from some bad Mac & Cheese and...

Spencer: It was a rhetorical question, dumbass. Now where are they?

Greggie: I dunno. But I do have some good news. We got someone new on our side. I just called him over to us, on my Walkie.

A speedster zooms into the room and is standing right next to Spencer.

Spencer: Who is this man breathing down my neck... literally.

Peter: I AM PETER THE A.I.M. SPEEDSTER SIR!

Spencer: Ahh, right in my eardrum. I hope my left ear enjoys your voices

Greggie: Isn't he something else, he's the latest part of the Enhanced Human Program for A.I.M., or EHPAIM as it's called by the cool kids

Spencer: EHPAIM? What the hell does "ehpaim" mean?

Greggie: It doesn't mean anything Spencer, it's just Enhanced Human Program for A.I.M.

Spencer: That's not what I was... nevermind.

Greggie: The Scientist also told me there's more on the way. Once we get some people and give them Inhuman powers with those Terrigen Crystals, and brainwash 'em we'll have a whole army of these guys, all with different powers.

Peter: I have captured two Agents before, of Hydra. Sunil Bakshi and Kara Palamas I believe.

Spencer: Than show me to them.

Greggie: Right behind ya.

Peter: I'll lead the way.

 _May, Trip, and FitzSimmons_

 _Location: Yet another different hallway... that caption is getting old, FAST!_

Fitz: This place is a maze. We'll never find out way out.

May: Quit that attitude. We'll find the other Agents and get out of here.

Simmons: I think the others were in the gym last time I checked. Should we go over there?

May: Simmons! Why didn't you tell me that before? It's vital information on this operation!

Trip: Don't even get me started.

May: We need to watch our steps. No telling where we can go with that manic Peter running about.

Trip: I know, he's dangerous, but he means well.

Fitz: How do you know? He's probably just an A.I.M. asset at this point.

Trip: We hung out together for awhile in this place, we were experimented on, as friends. He's the only other guy who got liquified by that scientist... literally, I refuse to be the only one.

Fitz: Well, I'm at a lose for what to do. Might as well just sit here and wait for Coulson to pick up our slack. I'll play by Harmonica to pass the time.

Simmons: Bazinga!

Fitz (To Simmons): You didn't even make a joke!

Simmons: Really? That means you "made a joke"?

Fitz: Yeah, haven't you seen the Big Bang Theory?

Simmons: No, people keep telling me I would like though. But I can never get through a full episode, all the science tall makes me think of my _real_ work, though I do like that skinny fellow in the superhero shirts... what's his name, Snyder?

May: What the hell are you guys babbling on about?

Trip: Get to your plan, Simmons!

Simmons: Oh, right. You remember how this whole fiasco started, right?

Trip: How could I forget?

Simmons: Anyway, it started when we were _looking_ for Spider. Remember, I had this device.

Simmons takes out her device.

Trip: Oh yeah.

Fitz: Completely forgot that thing existed.

Simmons: The A.I.M. guards didn't confiscate it from me since they didn't think it was a danger.

May: What does it do?

Simmons: Well, it has the ability to track the highest level of energy in the area. With all the juices Peter must have to get him so fast, it must be him.

Trip: It's worth a shot, I mean, we can't keep fumbling around these hallways for the next half hour.

Fitz: Fumbling _implies_ we were going somewhere. I've passed that janitor's closet and the hallway that leads to a wall like six times already!

 _Skye, Coulson and Ward fighting Aldrich Killian_

Aldrich: You are but maggots, to my power, weak Agents!

Aldrich shoots a fire blast at the trio

Coulson: Well, you have poptarts for brains!

Coulson lands a punch on Aldrich.

Skye: If you can shoot fire at us, can you take off that Vibranium armor so I can quake too?

Ward (To Skye): You really can't function without quaking at him?

Skye: I'm an Inhuman, Ward. It's what we do, read a book.

Aldrich (To Skye): Uh, no!

Aldrich Karate chops Ward.

Ward: Ow! Right in the kisser.

Aldrich manages punches Coulson down and kicks Skye.

Skye: Wow, that was bad one.

Aldrich: Face it, you're done here Agents. I'm going to make my armies and take over the world. All with the powers of Inhumans, Tony Stark would be so proud. Than I'm going to have the soldiers raid his tower and destroy him... but still, he would be proud.

Coulson: What's your goal again? It's been kind of unclear this whole time, do you want Tony Stark to like you? Do you want to take over the world? I don't get it.

Aldrich: My goals are beyond your understanding, peasant!

Skye: Sounds like excuses to me.

Aldrich: I have goals, and I'm not having this argument with you! Prepare for your doom.

Aldrich Killian is about to breathe fire at them.

Ward shoots a window and it crashes open.

Aldrich turns around.

Aldrich: What the hell was that for? Now it's going to get freezing up here, and the draft. Oh gosh, the draft my papers will go flying everywhere. Why couldn't you Agents just handle your defeat with honor, now I have to call the contractor and get this replaced and...

Coulson (To Skye, whispering): He doesn't have Vibranium on his back, I know because I own that very same suit.

Skye and Ward look at Coulson.

Coulson: What? You never know if the Inhumans or Skye go rogue. Better safe than sorry.

Skye: We'll talk about this later.

Skye releases a huge pent up Quake and knocks Aldrich Killian out of the window and onto the roof.

Aldrich heals from his wounds, thanks to Extremis.

Aldrich: Ah, you turds! I will destroy you!

 _Mack, Hunter, Bobbi, Kara and Bakshi_

Mack: Where do you think the other Agents are?

Bakshi (To Mack): Knowing Fitz and Simmons they're probably off doing science things, May though, I have no idea.

Kara: Probably stealing my identity, again!

Bobbi: You stole her identity Kara, remember?

Kara: Oh yeah. I don't know why I thought it was the other way.

Mack: I think I might know where the lab is.

Bobbi: How?

Mack: I overheard Captain Cook or whatever that guys ridiculous name is talking about it over the phone.

Hunter: It's not ridiculous, he's a Captain. Who happens to cook.

Bobbi (To Mack): We should get over there then.

Peter: Not on my watch!

Suddenly, Peter Pott mind controlled and under the influence of the Spider in his veins walks out of a corner shadow to the team.

Bakshi: You!

Hunter: Weird, he isn't even wearing a watch.

Peter: I'm not going to let you idiots get in the way of A.I.M.'s master plan.

Mack: Says who?

Spencer: Me.

Spencer walks out of the shadows.

Kara: You too?

Spencer: Yes, and we have a plan. Of world domination with an army of Inhuman powered soldiers, something we have complete interest in fulfilling.

Mack: You won't get away with this.

Greggie: Oh, I think we will.

Greggie walks out, from the shadows.

Bobbi: You can't be serious? Do you have a whole mob hiding in that corner shadow too?

Hunter (To Greggie): The man who stole my trumpet. We meet again. Seriously, can I have it back?

Greggie: Uh, no Hunter. You cannot.

Hunter: Why not?

Greggie: Because I need to use it... for my personal interests.

Greggie makes an "evil" face.

Spencer: Let's go, Peter keep all of these fools in line. We're going to the lab.

Mack: We were going there anyway.

Spencer: Going to pretend I didn't hear that...

 _Skye, Coulson Ward vs Aldrich Killian_

 _Location: A.I.M. Facility Rooftop... still fighting._

The three Agents are all fighting against Aldrich, while Aldrich heals from all of it.

Ward: I can't do this. He's too strong.

Skye: No matter what we do, he just heals from it. How can we stop someone like that?

Aldrich (To Skye): You can't, that is why you must stop this Agents. Let me have my way!

Skye: Nevah!

Aldrich: THATS. NOT. A. WORD!

Aldrich breathes fire once again at them, a lot this time. While doing that Coulson sneaks behind him and puts him in a headlock.

Coulson: It's over Aldrich, no more fire for you.

Ward walks over, he punches Aldrich in the stomach.

Ward: Talk, where are you keeping Trip?

Aldrich: Even if I were to tell you, Hydra scum, it's too late. My scientists are brainwashing him and Peter Pott, they'll be the first tests of our super soldier army. Powered by Spider and the power of Inhuman DNA and Terrigen.

Skye: Spider...? Trip is strong, he can handle it.

Aldrich: I'm afraid my dear, no mere S.H.I.E.L.D. (or Hydra) Agent can resist the Project Autumn.

Coulson: Than tell us where Trip is, and our other Agents. We need to save them too!

Aldrich: Word of advice, Philly, don't headlock the guy who can superheat himself. It's not a good idea.

Coulson: Why not?

 _FitzSimmons, May and Trip_

Trip: Where are we even going?

Simmons: Where this tracker leads us, that should be right to Peter.

May: Whatever Simmons, I don't know where we could find them anyway, so best luck to you.

Simmons: I think we're really close!

Fitz: Oh boy, I hope we have the chops to take down someone like Peter.

May: I do, no speedster can outrun my fury. He yeah!

Fitz:... showoff.

Simmons: He should be... right through this door.

Simmons opens the door as the team gets through, May flips inside and gets her tazer out... only to see it's the lab again.

May: Simmons, we're back in the lab! Did that thing lead us in a circle!?

Simmons: No, it must be a mistake, on your part. My device would never... oh, yes, actually it might be. The machines tracks the highest _energy_ in the vacinity and it must be coming from all the equipment in this lab

Trip (To Simmons): When we get to the Globemaster again, please BURN that stupid thing. This is the second time it's made us go somewhere we didn't want.

Fitz: Should've left the devices to me. That's what I said from the beginning.

May: Great, now we have no leads.

Suddenly, the door to the lab opens.

Peter: Looking for me.

Peter, Spencer and Greggie walk in.

With Mack, Bobbi, Bakshi, Kara and Hunter all tied up behind them.

Simmons: Oh lookie, here, we found Peter anyway.

May: What the hell did you do to them!?

Spencer: We tied them up, and took them to the lab. Knowing _you_ would be here, you S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents you.

Greggie: Got to say, I didn't think you would be so dumb to stay in here, but you were!

Trip: It wasn't our fault, we got lead here by Simmons stupid device.

Mack (To Trip): The same one that lead you to Captain Cook's lab and got you into this whole mess in the first place?

Trip (To Mack): Yeah, exactly.

Peter: Trippy, my old friend. Why don't you go make the good choice and side with us at A.I.M, we'll treat you well. Better than these buffoons.

Trip: You're brainwashed! I ain't joining A.I.M., these guys might be jerks and dolts. But they're MY jerks and dolts!

May: Mine too.

Everyone: And mine.

Greggie: This is really pathetic.

Spencer: You seriously think you can stop us now? Our leader is fighting S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra's leaders as we speak. We have that entire genome full of Inhuman DNA ready to be injected into our soldiers to create a superhuman army and take over the world. You've lost we won, and now you won't even join the victorious side? I guess Trip was right, you guys are dolts.

May: We never denied it!

Spencer takes out a gun.

Spencer: Now, let's give you a pathetic end so you won't be trouble anymore.

 _Meanwhile, on the roof above the lab_

Aldrich: I have a way out of this, imbeciles.

Skye: What's he talking about?

Coulson: I don't know, but am I the only one who's getting kind of hot?

Suddenly, Aldrich blows up and creates a giant hole in the roof landing right in the lab.

They all get confused, by the ordeal.

Ward: What happened? Whatever, Bakshi Kara, help me fight Aldrich Killian!

Bakshi: We can't!

Kara: Our hands are bound!

Ward: They aren't anymore!

All the S.H.I.E.L.D. & Hydra prisoners look to see themselves unbound.

Coulson: Agents, we need to fight off Aldrich Killian! And stop whatever sinister plans A.I.M. may have!

Peter (To Coulson): I won't let you do that!

Skye: I won't let you, do _do_ that!

Peter: Than it's war!

Peter and Skye start using there powers to fight.

Trip: I'll help her.

Trip jumps into their flurry of speed running, quaking and punches.

Coulson: FitzSimmons! Deal with that Inhuman Genome machine, make sure he can't give any powers!

Fitz: Will do, sir!

Simmons: We're on it.

Coulson: Bobbi, Hunter and Mack

Bobbi: Already on it.

Bobbi punches Spencer in the face.

Hunter takes his Trumpet from Greggie and starts beating him with it.

Hunter: Nobody takes my Trumpet! Now what did you do with Pebbie?

Greggie (To Hunter): What the hell is a "pebbie"?

They are all fighting.

Skye and Trip are fighting Peter.

Trip: Ah, I can't keep up with him, Skye.

Skye: Use the Spider.

Trip sees a Spider device on the ground.

Trip: Oh, what the hell!

Trip puts it on and starts running after Peter, he knocks him down and they fight.

Trip: Peter, please stop this insanity! I'm your friend, you're my friend, you're the only one who's experienced what I experienced in this place. Don't go rogue now.

Peter: I'm done listening to you, Trip! I have other loyalties, such as A.I.M.!

Trip: I hate to do this, but if you won't come back to S.H.I.E.L.D. and the good, I must help end you!

Trip and Peter keep fighting, with Skye on the side.

While Bakshi, Kara, Ward, Coulson, and May are fighting Aldrich Killian, FitzSimmons are off studying the Inhuman Genome machine, to stop A.I.M's plans.

Fitz: It's hopeless this machine is far too complex for us to take down alone.

Simmons: Now, let's not lose our heads here, Fitz. We can maybe re-calibrate the inner-programming and make the machine shut it's self down.

Fitz: Not without a computer! We just need a very simple way to stop bringing power to the machine, than it can't convert the Inhuman genes anymore.

Simmons: Oh, just unplug it.

Simmons unplugs the machine.

Fitz (To Simmons): Very Brilliant Jemma, sometimes the best solutions, are the most basic,

Aldrich Killian stops fighting to see what they've done.

Aldrich (To FitzSimmons): You've... ruined my machine!? MY PLANS! AHHHH

Aldrich Killian breathes a huge amount of fire which lands right into the experimenting device

It starts malfunctioning.

Coulson: The machine is malfunctioning!

Ward: I've seen devices like that, Coulson. With it's amount of power, it could blow this entire building on our heads.

Mack: Than let's get the hell out of here!

Spencer and Greggie are beaten down, with Aldrich still in raged at FitzSimmons he doesn't notice the machines' issues.

Aldrich: I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL!

Coulson, Ward, Kara, Bakshi, Mack, Bobbi, FitzSimmons and Hunter start running out the door.

Skye follows.

Skye: Trip, let's go! You heard Coulson, this place is blowing up.

Trip: No! I refuse to leave Peter, we have to fix him.

Skye: Trip, leave him, please!

Trip: I wasn't joking before, if I have to be the one with the A.I.M. science experiences on the team, I want nothing to do with it.

Coulson's hand comes in and drags Skye out, as all the Agents run after Aldrich Killian.

They make it to the door.

Bobbi: It's stuck.

Kara: Oh yeah, that requires an activation key.

Ward pulls one out and uses it.

Everyone looks at him.

Ward: What? Never know when it might come in handy. You should be _thanking me_ for this!

They all make it out the door (except Trip) and when they are out the entire building explodes.

Skye: TRIP!

Coulson holds Skye back.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Everyone watches in silence.

Kara: Such a shame.

Ward:... I don't mean to intrude the moment, but we were in there for a whole day. You know what tonight is?

Fitz (To Ward): What?

Ward: Election night, I'm still running against Captain Cook guys.

Skye: Oh yeah, forgot about that. Can't you just pull out?

Ward: Now? Not that easy, even if I do Cook will gain control, A.I.M. could get back into power.

Coulson: Than there's only one thing to do...

Ward: What is it?

Hunter: Ask pebbie for advice... I'm so glad he's back

Bobbi (To Hunter): Shut up, shut up, shut up

 _All new, next time_

 _Part 2 of the Midseason Finale_

 _Ward: We have to get back to the city for the debate and vote!_

 _Skye: Not so fast..._

 _Ward looks and see the Hydramobile getting towed._

 _Tow Truck Driver: No parking after 3:00 A.M._

 _Ward: Oh, come on._

 _Fitz: We need to find a way so Captain Cook doesn't win, any plans Simmons?_

 _Simmons: Make sure people vote for Ward and not him?_

 _Fitz: Stop doing that._

 _Simmons: Stop doing what_

 _Captain Cook (On the phone): What do you mean the base was destroyed? By the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents? They're teaming us with Hydra? Stuff just got real guys, time to up our campaign._

 _In the rubble of the A.I.M base that exploded._

 _A hand pops up and rises through the concrete._

 _Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., all new, coming soon._


	14. Cook v Ward

**Part 2: Midseason Finale**

 **The following contains possible spoilers for the most recent episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and other Marvel Cinematic Universe films, it might also contain some (slightly) offensive jokes, though it is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I am not related to the Cast, Crew or anyone involved with Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC, or Marvel Entertainment. With that said, viewer discretion is advised.**

Episode 14: Cook v. Ward

MadTitan427 walks out on stage in front of all the Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. cast members.

MadTitan427: So, hehe. It's been awhile.

Everyone: Booo!

Coulson: Hack

Skye: You suck!

Fitz: wanker

Simmons: Lazy fool!

Mack throws a tomato.

MadTitan427: Yeah, yeah. I know that I was gone for a really long time.

Bobbi: Try 7 months.

MadTitan427: Don't get fresh. As I was saying, I know I was gone for a long time but realized I had an duty to finish this project, with dignity.

Ward: That's a little bit of an overstatement.

MadTitan427: Good point, you guys lost all your dignity after that cooking episode.

May: Preach!

Skye: But why come back now?

Hunter: Skye, Skye, let's ask the more serious questions. For example, can _Ajax_ soap be used as glue for my toy train?

Bobbi: _Facepalm_

Mack: Oh jeez, I did not miss this.

MadTitan427 (To Hunter): Uh, no. So yeah, let's pick up where we left off. Just like I never abruptly halted the entire series for almost half a year.

May: Just get on with the show already!

MadTitan427: As you wish, roll the previouslies. A.K.A. the segment when the viewer zones out and/or checks their phone.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Trip and Peter got captured by A.I.M.

Bobbi, Hunter, Mack and FitzSimmons join them.

Trip: Yippie. United again.

Ward is confronted in the Hydra Building.

Ward: We can work together. We hate A.I.M. too, we'll even help you get those lost Agents back.

Coulson: Oh yeah, I got caught in all this political bizz buzz I forgot all about those lost Agents.

May: I say we take the deal.

The Hydra and S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents go into the Hydramobile and crash it into the A.I.M. base.

Kara: That could've been more pleasant.

Ward: We need to split up to take this entire base.

Mack: We know who's leading all this. It's Aldrich Killian, the Iron Man 3 villain, on the top floor.

Skye: Than let's go find him and kick his ass.

Coulson (To Mack): You Bobbi and Hunter guard the elevator.

Meanwhile, Trip and Peter are being experimented on with Project Autumn

Trip: Oh no, you're gong to turn me into a drink again and blend with Peter!

Scientist: What? No. We're just going to give you powers and brainwash you.

Trip: Oh. Still, ahhh!

Peter gets Spider infused into him.

Peter: Oh yeah, I'm the fastest guy alive now!

Trip (Peter): That is beyond cringe, dude. Don't trademark that.

Coulson, Ward and Skye fight Aldrich Killian.

Aldrich: You can't win this!

He explodes while breathing fire and the roof collapses and they land in the lab.

Fitz: We need to stop that device that will give his soldier powers.

Simmons: Right. But how?

Fitz: Maybe unplugging it will work.

They unplug it and it all goes down.

Aldrich Killian (To FitzSimmons): You... destroyed my plan. Everything was for nothing.

Aldrich Killian breathes fire on the main science equipment and the building and is about to explode.

Ward: We need to get out of ASAP!

Skye: Trip, come on let's escape.

Trip: I can't, I'll just weight you down.

Bobbi: But we need to save you.

Trip: No, what we need is a heroic sacrifice. Now go!

Everyone leaves and the building also blows up. But they couldn't get to Trip or Peter in time.

Skye: Trip!

And now...

Ward, Kara, Bakshi, Skye, Coulson, Hunter Bobbi, May and Mack

Location: The Forest... viewing the destroyed A.I.M. base

Skye: I can't believe trip is gone.

Fitz: I know, he was our friend.

Simmons: Our team will be that much weaker without him.

Hunter: He can't be gone. Maybe we just need to find him under these rocks.

Hunter picks up a small rock.

Hunter: Trip, are you there?

Hunter picks up another rock.

Hunter: Anyone?

Hunter sits down.

Hunter: I can't find him.

Skye: Thanks...

Ward: I'm really sorry about Trip. But we have to get back to the city soon. Tonight's election night and if I don't even show up, then my campaign is as screwed as a doornail.

Mack (To Ward): Then you need to get your sweet behind to that Election!

They all walk over to the Hydramobile, only to see it getting impounded.

Bakshi: What are they doing to the Hydramobile!?

Ward: What the hell.

Ward walks over to the driver.

Ward: What's going on here? Why are you towing away my Minivan?

Kara: Not just a minivan, Bakshi. It's a badass mobile!

Towtruck Driver: This here was parked in a handicapped spot I need to take it to the lot. You can pay 300 dollars to get it back.

Ward: What? Why on Earth is the ONE parking spot in this godforsaken facility a handicapped spot!?

Towtruck Driver: Aldrich Killian hurt his leg a couple months back. After his fight with Iron Man.

Fitz: Aldrich Killian was defeated before.

Towtruck Driver: Rules are still rules.

Ward: The one spot in a middle of a forest, to the secret terrorist's hidden base is a handicapped spot that the Towtruck company regularly visits to clear out if someone not handicapped is parked there.

Towtruck Driver (To Ward): Now you're getting it.

Towtruck Driver pats Ward on the back.

He drives away.

Towtruck Driver: See you later, buttfaces!

May: Ward, you alright with this?

Ward is slowly twitching in rage.

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _Captain Cook and Campaign Crew_

 _Location: Captain Cook's Campaign Office... also known as The Cookie Factory._

Captain Cook: Where are Coulson and Skye, they should've been campaigning for me!

A.I.M. Employee: It appears as though they've abandoned their stations on a two day long quest to get supplies for propaganda posters.

Captain Cook: You think they got lost in the store or something?

A.I.M. Employee: Unlikely.

Captain Cook: Oh no, what if they're scared and hungry in one of the three aisles there. Soldier, send a squadron into the store to go find them. It's election night and we need their posters.

A.I.M. Employee: _Sigh_ I'll go call them in.

Captain Cook's phone rings.

Captain Cook: Go for cookie.

Spencer: It's all destroyed! The plan, Aldrich, the Inhuman genome, Project Autumn all of it! S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra must've teamed up because they sure bested us here.

Spencer is standing in front of the destroyed building.

Captain Cook: Woah, woah, slow down there, Pup.

Spencer: Can it, Cook. We lost, S.H.I.E.L.D. double-crossed us and took us down. You need to win this election.

Captain Cook: Skye and Coulson ain't working for us anymore!? Aw shucks. I can't win without them, they were the glue holding this whole campaign together.

Spencer: Well you better figure something out, are you in L.A.? I need to get there soon. Send a helicopter.

Captain Cook: Oh, about that...

Spencer: Tell me you can send a Helicopter.

Captain Cook: I can, but do I want to!?

Spencer: Yes, you do.

Captain Cook: Seems like it would cost a lot of gas.

Spencer: Send the 'copter, Cook!

 _Meanwhile, across from where Spencer is talking on the Phone with Captain Cook_

Ward is still twitching.

Coulson: Should we... call a doctor or something?

Mack: There ain't no hospitals around here.

Mack slaps Ward.

Ward: What was that for? My car was just towed for the dumbest excuse I can think of.

Kara: Just cough up the 300 dollars and get the car back.

Ward (To Kara): I don't have any money. I didn't think I would _be_ in this situation when I was going to fight off A.I.M. all my money is in the safe back in L.A.

Kara: Any of the S.H.I.E.L.D. folks have money?

Coulson: Nope. We all thought the same thing you Hydra "folks" did.

Ward: Of course.

Bakshi: What are we gonna do?

Simmons: Worse yet, Ward has the election. Our top priority has to be getting him there.

May: Just split the team up. A group can get the mobile and the other gets Ward to the Election.

Ward: Good idea, May. We need the Globemaster so we can get back to the city in time for the election.

Fitz: I can call it back.

Ward: Bobbi, Hunter, Mack, you three go to the lot and get the Hydramobile back.

Hunter: Car hunting, yeah! Pebbie's favorite.

Mack (To Bobbi): When did he start talking to a rock?

Ward: Me, May, Coulson and Skye will get on the Globemaster and go handle the Election.

Coulson: Can I...

Ward: No Khenan.

Coulson: But I really want to

Ward: NO KHENAN!

Coulson: Fine...fam.

Ward (To Coulson): What did I say!?

Skye: Oh, I totally forgot. We have all those supplies for the store, we can work on Ward's propaganda posters on the Globemaster.

May: Which they were originally going to used for Captain Cook's campaign.

Ward: As for FitzSimmons, Kara and Bakshi, you three can go explore the site. See if anything is unusual there.

Coulson: Also, try and find Trip's body. We should give him a proper goodbye.

Fitz: Sounds good to me.

Simmons: He deserves it.

Bobbi: We're missing something here. We have no car.

Mack: Bobs is right, how are we going to get to the lot in time we no transportation?

Ward: Simple, we'll call you a Taxi. Bakshi!

Bakshi calls them a Taxi.

Mack: Well, I guess that works.

Fitz: The ship's here.

The Globemaster lands in a convenient area in the forest with no trees or big rocks to block it.

They all get on.

Skye: Oh, FitzSimmons! If you find any really cool rocks in the rubble, save them for me.

Fitz: Okay?

The Globemaster and takes off. Bobbi, Hunter and Mack get into their Taxi.

Simmons: Let's get started.

Simmons hands them all metal detectors.

Kara: You just had these with you the whole time?

Simmons: _Sigh_ Yes, unfortunately. Fitz here, wanted to go treasure hunting before we got captured by A.I.M.

Fitz: I just know Coulson has treasure hidden on that Globemaster!

Simmons: Look through the rubble and let's see what we can find.

They all start searching.

Bakshi: Guys.

Simmons: Bakshi, how did you find something already?

Bakshi: I think it found me.

Fitz: What? Is that a riddle or something? A piece of metal found you?

Bakshi is than walked forward by Spencer with a gun.

Spencer: Thought you could get rid of me that easily, S.H.I.E.L.D. peasants!

Simmons: Spencer! You were here this whole time?

Spencer: Yeah. Managed to survive the explosion without a scratch.

Simmons: This whole time? Wow, that lowers my self-confidence.

 _On the Globemaster_

They're all sitting in the lounge.

Coulson: Vote for Grant Ward! No, that's wasn't good enough. Try voting for Grant Ward. No that just sounds like an informercial. _You bored, vote for Ward!_ Wow, I want to punch _myself_ in the face after hearing that one.

Skye: Just let the posters do all the talking Coulson.

May: You got any green pens?

Skye: Why do you need green?

May: For the boogers.

Skye: There are no boogers, May. This is supposed to be a good propaganda poster, and boogers are gross.

May: Well, I can't stop doing them now.

Skye: What have you even drawn on that side of the poster?

Skye looks and sees May side of the poster full of booger drawings.

Skye: May! What the hell is this!?

May: I got bored and I remembered how Ward called me Weezey a long time ago when I had a cold, so I got back at him by drawing boogers on his poster.

Coulson: Can we still use that though?

Skye (To Coulson): No! It's ruined now.

Coulson: But that was all of our equipment!

Skye: Exactly.

Ward: AHHHHH!

Ward walks into the room.

May: What happened this time?

Ward: Who put a _literal_ bar of soap into the Washing Machine instead of the detergent?

Skye: Oh yeah, Hunter does that sometimes. He put Oatmeal in there last time instead of soap. All my clothes were itchy for months after that.

Ward: No one told me! Now all my clothes are ruined, I needed to wash my suit for the big Election. What am I going to wear now.

Coulson: I might have a spare suit to give you.

Ward: They were all in the wash Coulson.

Coulson: Oh, come on. Now I'm mad too!

Coulson sits down, pouting.

Skye: We have all these fabrics from the store, maybe me and May can make a suit for you.

Ward: I guess that will have to do. But don't you only have blues, greens and purples?

May: I used to tailor when I was kid, I know how to make good suits, don't worry.

Ward: You tailored as a kid?

May: Well... I had a lot of free time... and it was fun to use my hands... don't judge me Hydra Traitor!

 _Hunter, Bobbi, and Mack_

They all get out of the Taxi.

Hunter: Thanks for the ride. Sorry for calling your radio station "Wanker Music". I'm sure Twenty One Pilots is a great band!

The Taxi Driver gives Hunter a dirty look and goes off.

Bobbi: Well, better not waste any time.

Mack (To Bobbi): Like we just did by having to listen to you saying that?

Hunter: Nobody likes a Condescending Cady, Mack.

Bobbi (To Mack): Haha.

They all walk into the lot.

Bobbi: Hello, we're here to pick up the Minivan.

Lot Owner: Which would that be, we have more than one here?

Bobbi: The one with the Octopus Icon on it.

Lot Owner: Still not specific enough.

Bobbi: Seriously? It's red, it looks like skull with eight tentacles coming out of the head. How can there be more than one of those!?

Lot Owner: Oh, that Hydra Van?

Mack: Yes, the Hydra Van.

Lot Owner: I got it over here, come on.

The Lot Owner leads Hunter, Bobbi and Mack to the Hydra van.

Lot Owner: This here will cost you about three-hundred dollars.

Mack, Bobbi and Hunter search their pockets.

Bobbi: Nothing.

Mack: I got two nickels.

Bobbi: We don't have that kind of money.

Lot Owner: Than you can't have the van back.

Hunter: Will _this_ be a proper substitute?

Hunter hands the Lot Owner a box of Paper Clips he found in his pocket.

Lot Owner: Six-hundred dollars now, thanks to the idiot.

He still takes the Paper clips.

Hunter: Well, YOU have no class!

Bobbi (To Lot Owner): We need to get that car back!

Mack: Yeah, is there anyway we can get without paying all that cash?

Lot Owner: There is one way.

Lot Owner smirks.

Hunter: Oh, I don't like that smirk.

Mack (To Hunter): Shut up. (To Lot Owner) What is it?

Lot Owner: I have a bus that me or my boys haven't been able to pick up for a full month. Get it for me, and I'll consider your debut payed, and you can have the car back.

Bobbi: Sounds fair.

Lot Owner: You'll be driving my personal pick up truck.

Lot Owner leads the trio to the pick up truck.

Lot Owner: I'm not gonna lie, it's aged a little bit, not as well as you would hope.

He stops walking.

Bobbi: Oh crap.

The pick up truck is completely rusted and the tires are almost destroyed.

 _FitzSimmons, Kara and Bakshi_

 _Location: The Rubble of the secret A.I.M. base... I got a piece of rubble in my shoe!_

Simmons: Don't shot!

Spencer: I'm not gonna shot you.

Fitz: Oh, thank god!

Spencer: I'm taking you back to the _other_ A.I.M. base to imprisoned.

Simmons:...

Fitz:... can you just shot me instead?

Kara: Wait, there are _other_ A.I.M. bases?

Spencer: Yeah, you think Aldrich Killian didn't have contingencies if his plans went down under? Think again. We have benefactors from all over, and the re-building process will only be jump started when Captain Cook _wins_ this election!

Bakshi: Ward is going to win!

Spencer: Please. You S.H.I.E.L.D. peasants already made propaganda for Cook's campaign. Besides A.I.M. as far as the public is concerned is just a cute, dorky little science organization. As a matter of fact...

While Spencer is babbling endlessly, Fitz inches his way closer, with each sentence.

Spencer:... Henry David Thoreau! And that's why S.H.I.E.L.D. will simply fall to the prospects of superior organizations. Any questions?

Bakshi raises his hand.

Bakshi: You do know I'm Hydra right.

Spencer: Tomato tom-a-to.

Fitz (Right up to him): Not even close.

Spencer: Woah, you're totally invading my personal space bubble.

Fitz hits Spencer over the head with his metal detector and he drops the gun.

Simmons picks it up.

Simmons: We're not going to be A.I.M.'s slaves anymore, Spencer.

Kara: How about we put you in a prison made by "S.H.I.E.L.D. peasants" and see how you like it?

Spencer: I really got to stop turning every interrogation into a monologue.

 _Meanwhile, on the Globemaster._

Everyone is waiting in the lounge.

Ward is trying on his new suit.

Skye: Come on, let's see how it looks.

Coulson: And how May and Skye did.

Ward walks out in a light purple suit, with a lime green bow tie and a blue undershirt.

Coulson: Oh man.

May: We are beyond screwed.

Ward: It can't be that bad (Sees in mirror) Ah! I look like a colorblind Joker wannabe, skye, why would you ever make this?

Skye (To Ward): I had to work with what was given, I'm an _Artist_ Ward, it's what we do.

Ward: Well, I hope my points were that good people will ignore the fact it looks like I'm wearing the hides of Barney the dinosaur.

May: Barney was my childhood idol! (Puts fingers in ears) Lalalalala, can't hear you. Lalalala.

Ward: It looks like we're almost there too. Do we have time to get a replacement?

Coulson: Doesn't look like it, the Election starts in about 15 minutes, that should be the drive to the event alone.

May: Plus, I need to land this thing.

Ward: Fine, just hurry up. I don't want to be late on top of all the other shenanigans.

May lands the Globemaster in the middle of a busy street corner.

May: Good news, I found a place where I can land.

Skye: Wow. I'm the surprised the pedestrians don't notice some giant S.H.I.E.L.D. Vehicle in the middle of the street.

May: That's the magic of a cloaking device.

Outside a man is driving and suddenly crashes into the invisible Globemaster.

Man: I can't move forward. Must just be a very big cluster of air, it happens, I'll go around i

May, Ward, Coulson and Skye get out of the Globemaster.

Coulson: We couldn't have stopped outside the Stadium?

May: No. There's no room for a landing there.

Ward: If we start walking right now we can get there with five minutes to spare.

Skye: Or if we run that's 10 minutes, might be able to buy some celebratory Chocolate chip cookies from the Bake Sale.

Coulson: Sounds fair.

Everyone starts running.

 _Bobbi, Hunter and Mack_

 _Location: The streets of Boise Idaho... driving one of those three-seat pick-up trucks that totally exist_

Mack: Bobbi, can you drive a little faster the rust is starting to go up my leg.

Bobbi: I can't the pedal is broken.

Mack: Then how have you been driving it

Bobbi: Technically, I haven't, just been pushing really hard on the wheel and it's been moving. Which is why it took over 15 minutes to make that small right turn last street.

Hunter: Maybe Pebbie can try driving. He really has a knack for machinery.

Mack: I swear Hunter, if you mention that rock one more time I'm throwing it out of the Pick Up truck, with you still holding onto it.

Hunter: What's that Pebbie, you want to throw _Agent Mack_ out of the pick up truck? (To Mack) Looks like the feelings are mutual.

Mack: I'd love to see him try. Damn pebble doesn't even lift.

Bobbi parks the car and sees the bus they need to tow.

Bobbi: So we need to impound that? Shouldn't be too hard.

Mack: They said no one would pick this bus up for a month, so there must be a catch.

Hunter: Maybe it's because the bus doesn't want to leave.

Bobbi: We need the engine if we're gonna move it.

Mack I can take a look when I hook the bus up to the back.

Bobbi: Thanks. I'm still amazed we got this far. I thought for sure that downhill was going to break it to pieces

 _Skye, Ward, Coulson and May_

 _Location: The Election Event_

They're all done running next to the Bake Sale Stand.

Skye: Oh, chocolate chip, yum

Skye quickly grabs a cookie.

She spits it all out on Coulson's shirt.

Coulson: Oatmeal and Raisin?

Skye: Oatmeal and Raisin.

Ward: I for one _love_ Oatmeal and Raisin cookies.

May: We need to get Ward up the Election podium. The debate's gonna start soon. Captain Cook is already signing autographs.

In the background.

Voter: Captain Cook! Sign my shirt.

Captain Cook: Well of course I can, loyal voter.

He signs it.

Voter: Oh, I'm Ward/Hydra all the way. I just wanted to sell this shirt on Ebay. Thanks anyway.

Captain Cook: Well, that was bunk.

Ward gets up on the podium, Cook follows.

Captain Cook (To Ward): Didn't think you would even show up.

Ward: Well, you thought wrong.

Captain Cook: We're gonna make you pay for destroying our plans. A.I.M. never loses.

Ward: Same with Hydra. Cut off one head, two more grow in it's place. Why you think I keep Kara and Bak around?

Captain Cook: Same reason Aldrich kept me and Spencer around.

Ward: _Growls_

Moderator: It is almost time to begin voting. Now would be the time to give an speech to present why _you_ would best be suited for mayor of Los Angeles, California.

Captain Cook: Fans, supporters, friends. Thank you for helping make this country and city even more amazing by participating in our great democratic system, with great traditions and great ideals, ran by great people.

Coulson (whispering): He said _great_ four times in one sentence.

Captain Cook: To answer what this man, who I for the love of god have no idea is, asked. I love this city because of the amazing people, the brilliant natural beauty, and Hollywood baby! Woah.

Everyone cheers.

Moderator: Now for you, Mr. Ward.

Ward: Well... you know, I don't have an amazing speech planned here. But I will say this, I know me and the United States have had problems in recent times. I know Hydra has for all intents and purposes tried to dismantle and cause chaos in the very government I'm trying to now become a part of. But I learned a valuable lesson in these last couple of days. That just because somebody was once your enemy doesn't mean they always have to be. Sometimes there's potential for them to be your friend, your alley, your buddy. Who may actually serve you much better in the long run. So, Los Angeles I want to improve this city with every fiber of my being. Please let me do that and redeem myself in your eyes and to the Government of the United States. If you _Stand By Me_ in this election, I won't let you down.

The audience cheers.

Skye (Whispering): He was looking at us the whole time. I think I'm gonna cry.

May (Balling): Going to?

 _At the A.I.M. Rubble_

Fitz and Simmons search around.

Kara and Bakshi and working on tying up Spencer.

Fitz: Other than a bunch of Apollo bar rappers it looks like most everything was blown in the explosion.

Spencer: Except for me.

Simmons: I can't find Trip, Peter or Aldrich's body anywhere.

Fitz: Did they blow up too?

Simmons: That what I thought at first, but there's no bone residue that matches either of them.

Fitz: Do you think...

Simmons: No, it's impossible, they couldn't have all survived or anything like that.

Fitz: It is Marvel after all.

Simmons: We have Spencer over there, we can ask him.

Bakshi: Spencer, are Trip, Peter or Aldrich still alive?

Spencer: I'm not telling S.H.I.E.L.D. a damn thing.

Bakshi: Well, we tried.

Kara: Guys, the election is almost through. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm _standing by Ward_ this time. I hope he wins this.

Simmons: I want to see!

Fitz: Me too.

They all watch live from Kara's Ipad.

 _The Tow-Truck in Boise._

Mack comes back inside.

Bobbi: Any luck?

Mack: I hooked it up to the car and fixed the engine. It should work now.

Bobbi presses the pedal and it zooms forward.

Bobbi: Thanks Mack, you're a lifesaver!

Hunter (To Mack): You did well, Chap. Even pebbie forgives you for being a jerk earlier.

Mack: You know what, tell Pebbie I accept.

Hunter: Good, because he wants to know if you could teach him about machines another day. (Whispering) I think it will be a great boding experience.

Mack: Now, he lost it.

Bobbi: Let's head back to the Lot.

Bobbi drives forward with the Bus being towed, when hung over people inside start waking up _inside_.

Party Dude: Woah, are we like, getting towed or something?

Other Party Dude: We can't shut this party down bro, we got to stop it.

They drive the Bus the opposite direction.

Bobbi: What's going on, the chain is being pulled. I can't drive forward!

Mack: There are people inside the bus. They're driving the other way, from the looks of them they've been partying in there for months.

Bobbi: That's why the other truckers couldn't pull them up.

The chain breaks and the bus drives away.

The car stops.

Bobbi:...

Mack:...

Hunter:...

Bobbi: Want to just steal the Hydramobile back?

Mack: Fine.

They go back to the lot.

Lot Owner: Where's the bus?

Bobbi: We couldn't get it.

They all get inside the Hydramobile and drive off.

Lot Owner: Hey, where do you think you're going. This is theft! Come back!

They completely drive off. Leaving him in the dust.

Lot Owner: I'll get back at those sluggers one day.

 _At the Election_

Ward and Captain Cook are watching people come in and out of the booths.

Captain Cook: You suck, Ward.

Ward: You suck lobster tails, Cook.

Captain Cook: What?

Skye: Just give it up with the trash talk, Cook. Heckling won't do you any good.

Coulson: After what you did to FitzSimmons and Trip, plus the working with A.I.M. you're lucky we don't Karate chop you in half.

Captain Cook: You two traitors shouldn't even have the right to speak. You were working for _me_ and _my_ campaign, what happened?

Coulson: We saw the truth, that A.I.M. is nothing but a corrupt Hydra wannabe with plans of world domination. We're not going to let that pass.

Captain Cook: That's odd because you said the same thing about Ward a couple days ago, Just pick a side already. Honestly Coulson, your allegiances flip more than a pancake.

Skye: We do pick a side.

She stands next to Ward.

Skye: It's with Ward.

Captain Cook: So be it then, but don't be surprised when A.I.M. goes after you two.

May: I think the voting is finished.

Moderator: The votes are in. Will the two Mayoral candidates come up to the stage.

Ward and Captain Cook go the stage.

Captain Cook shots a spitball aiming at Ward, it hits the Moderator.

He gives Captain Cook a dirty look and wipes it off.

Moderator (Gritting teeth): Thank you candidates for both running. It was a good race, but we do have a winner in this envelope.

Ward: Fingers crossed.

Moderator: The winner is, Grant Ward of Hydra.

Ward: YEAH! I won! Boo yeah. In your face haters.

Ward starts dancing on stage.

Captain Cook: I can't believe I lost, A.I.M. is finished.

Captain Cook gets hit in the face by a spitball.

Captain Cook: What the hell?

He sees the Moderator quickly put a straw in his pocket and casually look the other way.

FitzSimmons Kara and Bakshi are all cheering watching on the Ipad.

Bobbi, Hunter and Mack are watching on a TV screen in a bar.

Mack: He finally won.

Hunter: No thanks to us. We were barely involved in any of that, I didn't know there _was_ an election going until five minutes ago.

Bobbi: I called the Globemaster. They should come pick us up soon, I guess we can watch this and have a drink until then.

On the TV screen

Interviewer: Grant Ward's election seemed to be favored by a strong majority. We interviewed a civilian to find out exactly why they think that was.

The interviewer is talking to someone.

Interviewer: So Madeline, why do you think Ward won the election?

Madeline: I definitely didn't want to vote for a Hydra member to be the mayor, but those propaganda posters and slogans for Captain Cook's campaign were a deal breaker. Half of them didn't even make any sense or were just plain dumb. I think Captain Americook personally set most people over the edge.

Outside, Hunter, Bobbi and Mack hear a loud noise.

When they go check it out they see the Globemaster parked and the Hydramobile being pulled in.

 _Later that night._

Ward: Thanks S.H.I.E.L.D. for all your support. I know we've had our differences in the past, but I'm glad we could work together to put down a common enemy for both of our interests.

Coulson: Don't mention it Ward, I'm glad to be on good terms with you again, for now. But I have a feeling that S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra will cross paths again. I just hope you won't let it cloud your judgement, Mayor.

Ward: I hope the very same. No matter which side we're on, I'm just glad I'm not the one that has a talking pebble.

Hunter (To Mack): I'm so happy Coulson made Pebbie an Agent. He really wants to do a mission with you.

Mack: Oh jeez.

Coulson (To Fitz): What happened with Spencer?

Fitz: He's locked up. Me and Simmons plan to start asking him some questions soon.

Coulson: What about Captain Cook.

Bobbi: He escaped right after the election. But but I have a guy feeling we'll see him again.

Ward: Well, I better get back to the office with my two assistants. Thanks again.

May: I'm already regretting it. This new _good guy_ Ward attitude is really tacky.

Ward walks to the back of the Globemaster with Kara and Bakshi while it lands in LA.

Coulson: Skye, why do you seem so happy?

Skye: Because I was right.

Coulson: What were you right about?

Skye: You made fun of me all this time for standing by Ward and thinking he was going to be redeemed. What just happened to him?

Coulson:... Oh fuc

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

In a mysterious warehouse.

Captain Cook is sitting down speaking to someone.

Captain Cook: I don't know what to do. We lost the election, Project Autumn is disbanded, the base is destroyed. According to the plan, you're who we're supposed to go to if all fails.

The camera pans to Captain Cook talking to the _real_ Mandarin.

Mandarin: Don't fret, James. We did manage to salvage those bodies. I'm sure we can make good use of them, uses A.I.M. would be proud of.

Captain Cook: I just don't know, did Aldrich really want the _real_ Mandarin continue the quest for world domination.

Viper: Oh yes... me and Aldrich go way back... consider this a re-payment on his part.

Captain Cook: I guess you're my new boss then.

Mandarin: I guess I am.

 _Sinister Laugh_


	15. Upper Hand

**The following contains possible spoilers for the most recent episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and other Marvel Cinematic Universe films, it might also contain some (slightly) offensive jokes, though it is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I am not related to the Cast, Crew or anyone involved with Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC, or Marvel Entertainment. With that said, viewer discretion is advised.**

Episode 15: Upper Hand

At an A.I.M. warehouse, a group of soldiers are guarding a special computer with top secret information.

Three other A.I.M. Soldiers enter in from the back.

A.I.M. Guard: Finally, my shift was supposed to end an hour ago. Please don't tell me someone broke the Porta Potty again.

He runs off.

The three A.I.M. "Guards" take off their masks revealing themselves to be Skye, Mack and May.

May: Let's get into the computer. Skye, you know what to do.

Skye: Already on it

Skye starts hacking

Mack: Come on, Skye. We have to get into Aldrich Killian's secret A.I.M. files.

Skye: Almost got it...

Skye keeps hacking.

May: Let's go.

Skye: There! Here's his secret files. Cat Pictures and all.

Mack: Alright. Load 'em to the hard drive and let's bust this joint.

Skye starts downloading it to the flashdrive.

Skye: There are sooo many Shane Dawson videos on here. It's creepy.

May: Let's hurry up.

Skye: And... done!

Skye removes the flashdrive.

May: Come on, we need to head back.

The Agents start trying to leave the warehouse.

Mack takes one of the Grainola Bars left on the table.

Mack: Can't go escaping without a snack.

Announcer: Grainola Bar taken. Intruders! Everything shut down.

All the doors close and the lights go out.

Skye: Is it just me or is everything dark all the sudden?

May: We can get out of here. We just have to _feel_ our way around. Come on, team.

They start feeling around.

Mack: I think I found a lever.

May: That's my arm, Mack.

Skye: I packed my flashlight, maybe this is a good time to use it.

May: You think?

Skye turns on her flashlight.

Skye: We are definitely locked in. This sucks.

Mack: Then let's break our way out.

May: We can't those doors are solid titanium.

Everyone: Oh.

May: We have back up if we take too long. Hunter and Bobbi should be here any minute.

In the S.H.I.E.L.D. van

Hunter is sitting shotgun and Bobbi in the back. They're not driving anywhere.

Bobbi: Hunter, what's going on?

Hunter: Oh, Pebbie volunteered to drive us this time.

Bobbi: Come on, Hunter. It's been three months, this is just stupid now. The rock can't be a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent!

Hunter: Bobbi, don't be racist. It's 2016, Pebbles rights are human rights.

Bobbi: Pebbles aren't humans!

Hunter: Are you sure, Bobbi?

Bobbi: Ugh!

Bobbi throws Pebbie out the window drives the van toward the warehouse.

Hunter: HOW COULD YOU!? MURDER! VILLAIN! MEANY MEANY POT OF BEANIES!

Bobbi (To Hunter): Pot of beanies?

Hunter: People say that all the time, Bobbi. Read a book.

Back inside.

Mack: We have to find a way out!

Skye: But how?

May: How am I supposed to know!?

Skye: Here's how:

Skye quakes her away through the doors.

Mack: Why didn't we think of that before?

They all run outside.

The alarm alarms went off.

Mack: Okay, seriously, that is just a waste of money.

Ten A.I.M. soldiers jump out and start attacking the Agents.

The S.H.I.E.L.D. Van jumps out and runs them out.

Bobbi: Somebody call a van!?

Skye: Let's go!

They all get into the van and start driving away, and escape the A.I.M. soldiers.

May: We lost them, good job.

Bobbi: Did you get it?

Skye: Hell yeah we did.

Skye shows the flashdrive.

The whole car cheers.

Hunter: I would cheer louder if it weren't for Bobbi and her Beanieness!

Skye: What did she do?

Hunter: She threw Pebbie out the window!

The car gasps.

Bobbi: What? You guys were attached to that _rock_?

Mack: No, but come on, Hunter loved that thing. What you did is just cruel.

Hunter: Now you owe me a pet boulder.

Coulson: Previously on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Ward: The election is starting tonight.

Coulson: We have to get Ward over there and help him win against Captain Cook.

Hunter: What about us?

Coulson: Right. FitzSimmons, Kara, Bakshi you explore the A.I.M. Building to see if you can find Trip or Aldrich Killian. Bobbi, Mack, Hunter you try and get Ward's Van back.

Mack: Let's get a truck back.

FitzSimmons get held up by Spencer.

Spencer: I got you now, S.H.I.E.L.D. peasants!

They knock the gun out of his hand.

Simmons: Looks like we got you.

Spencer: Aw, crap.

Fitz: There's no sign of Aldrich Killian, Trip or Peter here.

Simmons: Does that mean they could still be alive?

Hunter, Bobbi and Mack try to get the car back.

Lot Owner: Listen, since you don't have enough money I can give you the car back if you do something for me.

Mack: What?

Lot Owner: Impound a bus that's been in the same spot for months on end.

Bobbi: That should be easy.

They take the tow truck to try and impound it.

Party Dude: Someone's trying to take our truck, brah!

They break the chain and go back into the spot.

Bobbi: Why don't we just steal the Hydra Mobile back?

Hunter: Because it's immoral Bobbi, duh.

At the Election.

Captain Cook: I want to win so I can represent the people of this fine city, in this even finer state.

People: Cheering!

Ward: I want to win, because if you stand by me I will try and redeem myself while being mayor. Just because I was an enemy for so long, doesn't mean I don't have potential to be an awesome friend.

People: Cheering even louder!

Moderator: The winner is... Grant Ward.

Skye: Oh yeah, baby, up top!

May reluctantly slaps it.

Coulson: Well, eveything is back to normal I guess. We took down A.I.M., Ward won the election, Spencer is captured. I hope this means we can finally go back to generic mystery of the week adventures.

May: Back to being the emotionless pilot I guess.

Captain Cook is sitting in a warehouse.

Captain Cook: So, where do we go from here?

The Mandarin: Don't worry, I have a plan.

Hunter: Pebbie is now an official Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.!

And now...

 _The Mandarin and Captain Cook_

Location: An Furby Doll warehouse... it's the only one that was abandoned on a monday afternoon!

Mandarin: Cook, do you have a lead on Spencer?

Captain Cook: I actually prefer to be called "Cookie" and yes, he's at S.H.I.E.L.D.

Mandarin (Blank Stair): I'm not calling you that.

Captain Cook: Sorry sir.

Mandarin: Which base?

Captain Cook:... one of them.

Mandarin: You don't have any leads besides what we are already aware of, do you?

Captain Cook: Not really, but I can find it.

Mandarin: Don't think I will spare you from my wrath, Cook. I'm not soft like Killian was, if you disobey me or waste my time I will show you just exactly how many ways my rings can cause you pain! I wont have incompetence ruin my ultimate plan.

Captain Cook: Jesus, everyone has an ultimate plan now-a-days.

Mandarin: Do I look like I'm joking?

Captain Cook: No, no, sir. I'll get right on it.

Mandarin: Good. _Don't_ disappoint me Cook, or else.

Mandarin is revealed to be a hologram in the warehouse and disappears.

Captain Cook:.. nice.

 **Eagle Icon... Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!**

 _On the Globemaster_

Coulson is reading a book

May walks in.

May: Why Coulson, are you reading a dictionary?

Coulson: What?

May: You're reading a dictionary.

Coulson: Oh, really no wonder I couldn't follow any of it.

May: When was the last time you slept?

Coulson: When did we play Twister then one night.

May:... we didn't.

Coulson: Oh. Then probably not for at least a week.

Coulson stands up.

Coulson: I've been spending all my time trying to get information out of Spencer and rooting out the last traces of Killian's regime. It's easier said then done.

May: I actually was just talking to Spencer myself.

Coulson: You get anything yet?

May: From what?

Coulson: From Spencer!

May: Oh yeah. Him! No.

Coulson: What? Why not?

May: He isn't talking.

Coulson: Then make him.

May: I can't.

Coulson sighs.

Coulson: Remember your Chakras, Phil.

Coulson takes a deep breathe.

Coulson (Gritting teeth): Why can't you make him talk?

May: Because he won't talk.

Coulson: WHY! MAY! Why won't he talk!?

May: He refuses to sir, if you want to make him go do it yourself, I'm so salary.

Coulson goes into the Prison room of the Globemaster.

Down there Fitz and Simmons are already in Spencer's cell room.

Simmons: Do more! Do more!

Fitz: Alright, highering the Helium level inside his cell.

Spencer (High pitched voice): Isn't this a little immature, you guys?

Fitz: Please, I'm a grown man obsessed with monkeys and she's afraid of Avacados, we're _way_ past immature.

Simmons: Black outsides, green insides. They're scary!

Coulson walks in.

Coulson: Fitz, Simmons, out! I need to talk to Spencer for a little bit.

They both leave.

Fitz (To Simmons): I _so_ say we watch Ghostbusters.

FitzSimmons walk upstairs.

Coulson turns down the helium.

Spencer: I have nothing to say Coulson, you should head back upstairs.

Coulson: Not a chance Spencer. I'm not going until we get the information we're looking for, we found one of A.I.M.'s top secret bases in upstate New York, containing Aldrich Killian's main computer, that he stores most of the data on his projects for. Problem is, we can't find a way to encrypt it. Damn Plan Bs.

Spencer: What do you want me to do?

Coulson: We want _you_ to tell us how to encrypt that so we can use the information and ends this fiasco. I'll finally be able to sleep.

Coulson stops dozing off.

Coulson: Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, encryption.

Spencer: I don't have to tell you S.H.I.E.L.D. goons nothing, no torture remember. You guys think it's _inhumane_ or something.

Coulson: Sure, we can't do physical torture. But mental? Whole new ballpark.

Spencer: I survived Fitz and Simmons childlike toying with the cell, what can you do?

Coulson pulls out a computer.

Coulson: You know what I do in my spare time Spencer?

Spencer: What?

Coulson: I write Looney Tunes FanFiction. Let me read you a chapter

 _Ward is sitting in his office, the Mayor's Office!_

Ward: Ah, things are so quiet now that I'm mayor.

He starts patting his hands on the desk.

Ward: Maybe it was Kara and Bakshi, they were always the loud ones.

Ward starts spinning in his chair.

Ward: Gosh, this job is dull.

Ward taps his finger.

Ward: THIS SUCKS!

Ward gets up.

Ward: Let's take a walk.

Ward walks outside. He is greeted by adoring fans.

Fan: We love you, Ward!

Other fan: You're the best, Ward!

Third Fan: Move us **for** ward!

Ward (To Third Fan): That's a little cringy, but okay.

A woman goes up to him.

Ward: Can I help you?

Woman: Hello, my name is Elle can I have your autograph?

Ward: Sure, Elle.

Ward signs the autograph.

 _Thanks for soppurting me, Elle - Ward_

Elle: Oh, thanks. When are you running for World Security Council?

Ward: For what?

Elle: For World Security Council? Anyone who's anyone is running for World Security Council.

Ward: You make a good point, soon!

Elle: Wonderful.

Elle walks off stage.

Ward (walking off): I've got to run for that council in a hot minute...

 _Skye, Mack, Bobbi and Hunter_

 _Location: Repair Shop - Globemaster_

Mack: For the last time Hunter, I'm not turning the car engine into a stereo player. It's not even possible!

Hunter: It's not possible because you won't do it!

Bobbi: He's got you there, Mack.

Hunter: Thank you, Bobbi.

Skye: I too wouldn't mind a jukebox.

Mack: Groan.

Skye starts practicing her quaking.

Coulson comes up stairs.

Hunter: Coulson, to what do we owe the pleasure of conversing with you?

Coulson: Hunter, don't try and sound smart. I need to speak with you all.

Skye: About what?

Coulson: I got information on the encryption device

Skye: Great. What is it?

Coulson: According, to Spencer there's a device we need. Located somewhere that a group of Agents need to head towards

Mack: Where?

Coulson: Wait for it...

Bobbi:...

Skye:...

Mack:...

Hunter:...

Bobbi: Why are we waiting?

Coulson: I honestly have no idea, It sounded really epic a minute ago. Bu anyway, it's in a club located in Dallas, Texas.

Skye: So me and the team, we take a Quinjet to Texas and get the device?

Coulson: Pretty much.

Hunter: I'm so excited to go to Texas, I've been waiting all season to get my cowboy on!

Bobbi: I'm already regretting this.

 _FitzSimmons_

 _Location: S.H.I.E.L.D. Laboratory_

Fitz: Almost done tinkering... and viola! Our all-new all-powerful S.H.I.E.L.D. weapon is complete!

Simmons: Fantastic! What should we call it?

Fitz: I was thinking the Day-Day Gun, because it's purpose is to wake-up unconscious or sleeping enemies.

Simmons: Yes, Fitz. I know, I helped you design it from the ground up.

May walks in.

May: British Scientists, I need something.

Simmons: May, I believe this is the first time you've walked into the lab before.

Fitz: What can we do for you?

May (To Fitz): Since Coulson is busy with S.H.I.E.L.D. stuff, and all the other _cool_ Agents are on a mission, I decided it was time I finally let you both in on something big?

Simmons: _Cool_ Agents? That was un _cool_ of you, May.

Fitz: Like a gorilla big?

May: _Sigh_ Yes Fitz, like a gorilla big.

Fitz: How about an elephant big?

May: I'm not doing this with you! Do you want me to let you in on my scoop or not!?

Simmons: What is it?

May: Agent Coulson keeps focusing his attention on rooting out the last bits of A.I.M. still wondering around the globe, but I think there's an even bigger threat that Aldrich Killian was just serving under.

Fitz: How do you know this?

May: I have some connections, and I think what were dealing with is a little bit beyond what we're used to. Something we don't fully know how to fight against or even understand, something Coulson refuses to treat as a legitimate threat because even _he_ is skeptical of it. It's _Magic_

Simmons: The Band?

 _Dallas, Texas_

The Quinjet lands and drops everyone off outside the club.

Skye: This entire block is disgusting!

Mack: It smells like my Aunt Mackesha.

Bobbi: Mackesha? Her name is Mackesha Mackenzie?

Hunter: Have you even met my family, my Uncle's name is Hunter.

Skye: Let's just get into the club and find out what what we're looking for. And maybe get a stay for the show and get some Onion Rings, unless they're soggy, then don't even bother.

They all go into the club.

Everyone is wearing loose, cheap clothing while they're all armed to the teeth in S.H.I.E.L.D. equipment and weapons.

Bobbi: I think we kind of stand out here.

Mack: Just try and fit in then.

Mack starts dancing. Everyone stairs.

Skye: Keep looking until you find it, must be hidden somewhere in here.

Announcer: Welcome to the show ladies and gentlemen! We're now presenting our latest performer, all the way from Seattle Washington. Please Welcome Señor Hot Wax!

Joey Gutierrez walks out onto the stage. He starts performing.

Skye: Oh... my... god.

Hunter: I know, just because he's Latino he gets called Señor, it's doesn't even make sense with his name.

Skye: Not that, it's Joey!

Skye runs up to the stage.

Skye: Psss, Joey! It's me Skye, what are you doing here?

Joey: Oh my gosh, Skye! You can't see me doing this!

Joey runs off stage.

Announcer: Well, the performer ran off, I guess the show's over.

The team goes backstage.

Joey: What do you guys want?

Skye: First of all, some Non-soggy Onion Rings.

Joey hands them all Onion Rings.

Skye: Bleh!

She spits it out.

Skye: Those are the soggiest Onion Rings I've ever had.

Joey: Well we do soak them in water for 10 hours beforehand. But what are you guys doing here?

Mack: We could ask you the same thing!

Joey: I needed the cash. After the Secret Warriors just kind of stopped being a thing I didn't what to do with myself. My boyfriend left me so I moved back home to Texas, and not many places want to hire _known_ Inhumans so...

Skye: Well, we're here looking for an Encryption Device.

Joey: Why?

Bobbi: Top Secret S.H.I.E.L.D. Information Joey.

Hunter (whispering): It's so we can stop A.I.M.!

Mack (To Joey): You know where it is?

Joey: Oh, an Encryption Device? Yeah, we keep it under the loose ceiling board. Why didn't you ask?

He takes it and gives it to Skye.

Skye: Well... bye.

Skye walks out with Mack, Bobbi, and Hunter.

Joey follows.

Joey: Wait! There were some shady looking goons who wanted us to keep that nice and hidden, they may not be too happy if you take it.

Mack: We can take of ourselves, Thank yo...

Mack gets kicked by a mysterious man all in black with a Cyborg Leg.

Skye tries to Quake him but he moves out of the way super quickly and punches her to the ground.

Joey tries to use his Heat Powers on him and he does the same thing.

Bobbi takes out her Clubs and tries to hit the assassin with them.

But he ducks and she hits Hunter instead.

He does an upper cut punch to her.

Assassin: You took something that didn't belong to you... I'm here to get it back.

He picks up the Encryption Device and starts walking away.

Skye: Who... are you?

The Assassin looks behind in a dramatic fashion

Autumn Soldier: They call me the Autumn Soldier, A.I.M.'s newest weapon.

 **Eagle Icon**

Coulson: We'll return in a moment.

Ward comes into someone's office.

Ward: You wanted to see me?

A man walks out of the shadows, revealing himself to be _Gideon Malick_ World Security Council Member.

Gideon: Yes, thank you for coming Ward. I heard you were interested in possibly joining the great World Security Council.

Ward: I am. What did you have in mind for me?

Gideon: Let's just say, it involves getting you high in the ranks and me even higher then I am now.


End file.
